Today’s feature dip is Kodiak Wintergreen. I think that it derives it’s name from the fact that if you were going to fuck with something, you would not fuck with a Kodiak bear; or at least it would be far down the list of things you are going to fuck with. If you are the hardcore dipper, look no further than this circular tin of spinach, as it will cut through your flesh and into your soul, like the jaws of a Kodiak bear in the Andes mountain range.
Just recently, I found myself in a situation where a simple dip of the ‘Skoal pussy shit’ wouldn’t cut it. I wanted hardcore, extreme, and I am completely bored with that of Copenhagen and all things Cope. With that, I told my local gas station cash attendant that it was time to reach for a can of Kodiak.
Kodiak combines the potency of Grizzly wintergreen (it’s unconfirmed little brother), with the long lasting flavor of a Skoal brand chew. This degree of quality will cost you in stores, as it ranges anywhere from $4.50 to $8.00, especially if you’re on the east coast; where pussies do not chew this brand of dip.
One thing that is important when you buy this tin of dip: before you slice it open ‘bust’ the mouth out of the Bear’s jaw. This was taught to me by a dumb hick of whom I do not remember in name. However, this was very wise. A small crater can be found underneath the decal in the center of the tin top. You must perform this superstitious activity so that you don’t get cancer. This is very important and will only take a moment, and might even become second nature to you.
In closing, I want to tell a small story about this brand of hog. The summer after my freshman year in college, I moved home and took up work at a local park. At this park, the guy in charge’s name was Andy. He was, as you can imagine a hillbilly, and he still works there till this day. I don’t know if he spent too many hours out on the tractor cutting grass or what, but he was about a half a click off. The most amusing part of my day, aside from cleaning up the bathrooms where park go-ers would actually write ‘fuck you’ in their own feces, or painting over the yellow parking spot markers, was watching Andy do his favorite activity all day long, chew Kodiak Wintergreen–without spitting, not even once.
It wasn’t the biggest pinch he had; but for God’s sakes, he didn’t spit. All day long I would see him just add on, and add on, and add on to his small pinch of Kodiak. He barely talked, only to grumble orders like to ‘go pick up trash on the gator’ or ‘someone threw a can of pop in the front ditch, go get it’. He could usually be found to be standing and having a 10000 mile stare at the black pavement, hosing it off for hours (I don’t know why, it wasn’t dirty), with his protected lip of Kodiak wintergreen in full tow.