Tag Archives: Homer Bailey

Jay Bruce got one yesterday

bruceHR1

The Reds dropped another heartbreaker to the Cardinals yesterday afternoon, 7-6. The game featured a rain delay that took the start time from 12:35 PM ET to around 4:35 PM ET.

Jay Bruce hit a towering two-run home run off Lance Lynn in the first inning to put the Reds up 2-0 for his first home run of the season. Todd Frazier followed with a towering bomb to left field and the Reds were out front and running 3-0. Frazier would later add another home run later in the game off Pat Neshek that cut the Cardinals lead to the one-run deficit they would win by.

Overall, Homer Bailey was not sharp. He allowed seven hits and four earned runs over 4 and 1/3 innings. The two-run homer he allowed to Jhonny Peralta proved costly because it nearly erased a three run lead and was foreshadowing for the tough outing that Bailey had ahead of him.

Cincinnati Reds 2014 Team Preview

One of the fastest to ever play the game.

One of the fastest to ever play the game.

Since that 2012 season ended and the Reds lost to the Giants in game five of the NLDS in Cincinnati after being up two games to zero on the eventual World Champion Giants, I have really been in a deep and dark depression as a Reds fan.

Some people might get really down on me for saying that – they’ll point to when the Reds were running out Jose Acevedo or Jimmy Haynes or Brandon Claussen as starting pitchers and were a losing team and tell me how good we have it now. How we’ve ‘made the playoffs’ three out of the last four years.

But there’s something that kills you about watching a team evolve from the abyss into what you know is a core’s window – and make no mistake – the last two seasons were the peak of this current group’s window. It didn’t ever hurt like that (like this) back when we were so horrible. It has taken me the entire offseason just to get some feeling back in me after the way we went out. To be fully honest, I’m still not over that 2012 afternoon that Buster Posey hit the grandslam off Mat Latos. I’ve never felt anything like that in a lifetime of watching sports. I don’t know if I’ll ever really get over it. It was like dealing with a death.

It’s made it increasingly tough to write about the Reds. Their passive offseason this year really did nothing to dispel that. If anything, it just made me a little bit apathetic towards their upcoming season. You look at their lineup, and there’s still some thunder. There are things you can find a positive in. If their pitching staff doesn’t have any injury, it features some phenomenal arms.

But this is largely the same group that couldn’t get it done the last few seasons. Something is missing. If I could tell you what that something was I would be doing a lot more than just writing about the Reds; it’s like the million-dollar question. I think the Reds needed Aroldis Chapman to develop into a top of the rotation starter that they could roll out in a must win game in the playoffs. A Randy Johnson type figure who the opposition knows is simply going to always beat them. Someone to get Mike Leake out of there. A lot of guys could close for this team. Few guys in the league strike fear into a lineup like Chapman could as a starter. But that’s never going to happen now.

Maybe that something is a real heart and soul leader. Someone who keeps Brandon Phillips in line. As much as I like Phililps, I’m starting to wonder if he’s not a little bit of a cancer in the locker room. I wouldn’t have cared if the Reds decided to part with him – but almost sheepishly they made the choice to bring him back. And along with that, they brought back the entire group that has failed to win the big one year after year. That’s concerning. You keep banging your head against the same wall long enough, all you’re going to get is a headache. The only thing different is the manager, and Bryan Price isn’t even a new voice. It’s not a shake-up. Everyone else got better, and at best the Reds stayed the same.

Continue reading

What does $105 Million Buy You Cincinnati? Six more years of Fuckin’, that’s what

Homer Bailey

Did you hear that paw?

Six more years and $105 million dollars. That buys a man a lot of steel-tipped arrows, paw. But the most important steel-tip arrow that’s going to hit it’s mark is the one that resides in these here drawers. That’s right.

[Loads .20 gauge with buckshots, Fires it in the air, twice like Yosemite Sam]

The only thing worthwhile that little bald-headed puke Jocketty has done for this team all season is securing my services. You’re telling me in all this time the guy couldn’t have found one hitter who could help us? You’re rolling into the season with Skip Schumaker as our big free-agent? Schumaker? You a queer, Jocketty? You sure ain’t much of a hunter.

But I’ve had me a big off-season full of huntin’. There was that little Mexican Senorita down in San Antonio, the Mama San at that Asian Masseuse Parlor they just opened in my hometown, and the blonde 35 year-old tennis instructor I bagged just days ago here in Arizona. One by one, the little Bailey Muzzle Loader was on it’s mark and when I took aim at their appendages, I didn’t miss.

[Loads entire tin of dip into his mouth]

I guess there’s a lot of folk back in Cincinnati who will be surprised that I’m still here. Things looked bleak at points. That nutless wonder Price tossed around the idea of making me a bullpen pitcher. There was times when my ERA was near 8. There’s been good times, and bad times. There’s been times when I was up to my elbows in split-tail. There’s been a lot of those times.

I even remember the time this team was talking about trading me. Man did I get sick of that shit.

All the while, I never lost confidence in the Homer Bailey Express Fastball. When I wind up and throw that fucker by another hitter, it’s like tragedy has never found this world. I’ve got an arm that will put asses in seats and more asses in my king size bed.

I still hate Pittsburgh, for the record. Those lucky fucks.

[Shoots endangered animal, throws it in the ditch for the Hell of it]

Even now with enough money to be above the law, I’m still gonna be the same old Homer Bailey. I’m still gonna demolish hitters. I’m still gonna amaze scouts by firing fastballs harder in the ninth that I did when I made pitch number one. I’m still gonna drive my monster truck around and go muddin’ down in Kentucky. I’m still gonna eat possum I find alongside the road.

They say $100 million changes a man. The only thing it changes about this man is the amount of condoms I’m going to need.

[Gives his blood hound dog a deer antler to chew on]

For all of you that have been with me since day one; for all of you that have never stopped believing in the Homer Bailey Express, I got a special surprise for you this season. I’m gonna bring that Cy Young trophy back to Cincinnati, and put a little Squirrel head on it. It will look better that way, because Cy Young was an ugly sumbitch.

And you ain’t even gonna believe the amounts of cum I’m gonna bring to the park this year now that I’m set for life.

[Fires six-shooter at neighbor who is cleaning his grill, barely misses]

I can’t wait to put on a pair of assless-chaps and march into Jocketty’s office and tell him I want the ball on Opening Day. If that little bald-headed shit jaw does anything but agree, I’m gonna tie him up to the ceiling chandelier like them pigs we skin out on the ranch.

Yeeee-hawwwww! Find us a power hitter Jocketty you bald bastard! I am fucking crazy!

Jay Bruce hits two home runs off Clayton Kershaw on ESPN Sunday Night Baseball

bruce HR 29

[Reds 3, Dodgers 2]

That was it last night – that was the game I have been waiting for out of Jay Bruce since his debut back in May of 2008.

There have been three homer games, home runs in the playoffs, and huge walk-off home runs. But last night was the most dominating showcase of Jay Bruce’s career. ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball has been where the entire baseball world pauses and convenes for three hours before starting a new week. There were some folks watching the NFL last night, but the people in the nation who love baseball were watching Jay Bruce hit his 28th and 29th home runs of the season off the closest thing the game has to Sandy Koufax. He did it to seal a sweep for the Reds at home over the Los Angeles Dodgers. When I saw Bruce’s second home run land in the right field moondeck, I knew that Reds season in 2013 had reached it’s zenith.

And there’s this: the home runs that Bruce hit off Kershaw were the first and second homers hit off the left-hander by a left-handed batter all season long.

[Bruce Home Run #28]
[Bruce Home Run #29]

Tell them Jay, tell them that the Reds think they’re the best team in baseball:

The Reds sit a game out of first, Homer Bailey threw pretty close to what I would consider to be a gem, and Bruce had his pair of national TV dingers off Clayton Kershaw. It doesn’t seem real.

And it’s nights like last night I feel bad for ever saying a terse word about Dusty Baker. He isn’t perfect, but we owe some debts of gratitude to Dusty for pulling the Reds out of baseball purgatory and giving the Reds back to back winning seasons for the first time since 1999-2000 (yes, the Reds now have 82 wins and will finish over .500).

The Fire of Homer Bailey

Homer+Bailey+St+Louis+Cardinals

Last night Homer Bailey took the ball and 7 and 1/3 scoreless against the might and feared St. Louis Cardinals lineup. The Reds won the game 1-0 in a series that they have to find a way to win – a series that is arguably the most important the Reds have played all season. That’s two starts in a row that Bailey has taken the ball against St. Louis and shut them out, 14.1 innings in all. He struck out 15 and walked three in those two starts, displaying something no one talks about enough when talking about Bailey; a 5 to 1 K to BB ratio. Bailey can be inconsistent, but when he’s on he’s the best pitcher the Reds can put out there.

Bailey has taken the ball twice recently in “winning time” starts against the Cardinals; games the Reds really had to have, and delivered sparkling performances. His record now sits at 10-10, but this is going to end up the season that stands out at Bailey’s best on the back of his baseball card.

The stuff that Bailey displayed last night is why I roll him out there in a one-game playoff against the same Cardinals or the Pittsburgh Pirates. Any pitcher has the chance they could get lit. But if Bailey’s on, he’s the best option the Reds have. He seems to thrive the most in a big spotlight – think about the two no-hitters, think about the NLDS game three last year against the Giants at home (as much as it hurts), and think about the last two starts against the Cardinals.

Some may argue that Mat Latos is the Reds’ ace. It’s a close call and a good argument can be made for either guy. But in one game that I have to have if I’m the Reds – backs to the wall – I’m handing the ball to the country boy from Texas and seeing if David Dewitt Bailey brings it home.

Game 134, 2013: Reds 10, Cardinals 0

Jay+Bruce+Cincinnati+Reds+v+St+Louis+Cardinals

[Box Score]

The Redlegs responded.

After a crushing loss Monday night, and a flat loss last night; the Reds came out with something to prove and hung nine runs on Adam Wainwright in the first two innings. Jay Bruce drove in five of them – with three being on his 26th home run of the season.

The Reds went with the lineup I’ve been crying for all season: Choo, Phillips, Votto, Bruce, Ludwick. Any combination from there doesn’t matter much. The Reds need to go down shooting with that order.

Homer Bailey fired 7 and 1/3 innings of shutout baseball to get the win. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Bailey go 5-0 in the month of September to finish with a really strong season. Bruce now sits on 85 RBI for the year needing just 15 in the final month to top the century mark.

I just read a recent article on Bruce by John Sickels over at Minor League ball. The article touches on the notion that Bruce has never really taken off and isn’t going to be a superstar; merely a solid big leaguer. I get it. I watch the guy every day and have seen his progression. The stats might not end up showing it but I definitely feel like Bruce is the best he’s ever been in the big leagues. He will be just 27 next season. He’s got a few more seasons to still have that jump-off-the-page, superstar season or two. For right now, he’s been the stability the Reds need in the middle of the order and has made just two errors in right field all season. He’s been the team’s MVP – and it’s the first time you can really say that.

The Reds are now 3 and 1/2 games out of first place behind the Cardinals. They still haven’t really gotten hot. This team has had a ‘meh’ feel to it all season. They have to find a way to go on their best run of the season int he final month, win the division, and avoid a one-game wildcard playoff. I’m not optimistic about it. It’s just been such a weird season.

It’s that time of the year where Jay Bruce says “Hop on my back boys, I’m going to carry you a while.”

BruceHR24

[Monday Night Box Score]
[Today's Tuesday Matinee Box Score]
[Bruce Home Run #23]
[Bruce Home Run #24]

Dan Straily and Bartolo Colon learned the hard way, when Jay Bruce decides he’s hot; it’s best just not to mess with him.

The Reds answered my notion that they were dead with two big wins at home over the Oakland A’s, and today on the radio Marty Brennaman brought up a good point. Maybe in this game of such a long season – you never are quite as good as you seem but things are never quite as bad as they seem either.

Bruce hit a big home run last night to the power alley in left center to get the Reds going in a 3-1 win. He also made a terrific running catch in the fourth inning to get Mat Latos out of trouble. Today he hit a two run homer and drove in three total and threw a runner out at home plate.

Bruce is carrying the Reds right now as he has so often through different points of this long and challenging season.

After a day off tomorrow the Reds welcome the Padres to Great American for the weekend with yet another chance to get hot and put their stamp on this 2013 chapter in the book of Cincinnati.

By the way, this was the second Simpsons match up lifetime. That’s right, today at GABP it was Homer vs. Bart just like six years ago (June 14th, 2007) when Colon and Homer Bailey faced off. In yet another piece of evidence that baseball just repeats its own history, neither pitcher has been very sharp when they’ve faced off, like in today’s game.

Homer Bailey throws his second career no-hitter

baileynohit

[Box Score]

Homer Bailey has done it again, no-hitting the San Francisco Giants two nights ago for the second consecutive no-hitter in baseball, both belonging to Bailey.

I watched the entire game in the Planet Hollywood sports book. I saw from about the third inning on that Bailey had his no-hit type stuff, it was just a matter of the luck was on his side; the luck that is a necessary of any completed no-hitter.

I could care less about the F-bomb that Homer dropped on live television in his post game interview. It made the moment even more memorable.

What this moment and this game was all about was Homer Bailey delivering on all the potential so many people have waited on all along. Bailey became just the 31st player in big league history to throw multiple no-hitters. When a guy has came into the league and thrown multple no-no’s, he’s realized his potential. He’s accomplished greatness in the game. He’s joined elite company.

No one can ever call Homer Bailey a ‘bust’, not that they would have any way; but he’s now reached a territory where he’s respected among the elite.

That’s what I kept saying to myself as I watched Bailey overpower hitters in the ninth inning with a 97 MPH fastball – “what a bulldog” – that’s the only thing I could think about. Here’s a guy who has came up through the Reds system and weathered some tough times but has shown the entire organization and the baseball world that he’s something special.

If Bailey doesn’t do another thing in this game – if the ride ends here – he’s already delivered several times on the grandest of stages for the Cincinnati Reds and provided some memories that last forever amongst the immortals.

303d1d7135ec7a16360f6a706700ecad

And here’s Marty’s call of the historic moment:

And here’s the golden post-game interview:

10 Bold Predictions for 2013: The Guys We Promise to have a HUGE Year

Eric+Hosmer

As part of our preview for the upcoming 2012 season, we’ll be doing a 10 Bold Predictions for 2013 series that will be featured between now and Opening Day. Our fifth prediction: these guys will be monsters in 2013.

This is a tough post to actually structure. I want to just bullet all these guys and let it ride, but I feel you’re owed more than that. These guys are going to have really good to absolutely monstrous 2013 seasons. Sure it’s mostly on a gut feeling, and no I haven’t reviewed their fly ball rate or their poor BABIP from last season that’s sure to rise.

You’re just going to have to take my word for it on these guys. And feel free to bookmark it and come back to it when the season is over. These guys are either going to become household names or have a spike like Ian Desmond did last season before tapering off slowly, or this season will be the one anomaly on the back of their baseball card. And we’re not going to use any guys who are already studs either, because that’s just low-rent.

Bank on the following players to have the best season of their careers in 2013:

Ike Davis: Over the Valley Fever, time to ride. The last time an ‘Ike’ was this good at hitting something, Tina Turner was topping the Billboard Top 100 charts.

Eric Hosmer: Every once in a while, there’s guys who are just too damn good to be down for long. He had a great spring, and reminded us of Joey Votto in his rookie year. He’s going to look a lot like Votto before Votto won an MVP this year which is pretty strong.

Homer Bailey: Bailey will be the best starting pitcher statistically in the Reds rotation this year now that they’ve put Aroldis Chapman in the bullpen. Pencil him in for 18 wins and an ERA around what he did last year. Somehow he’ll scrape 200 innings out of his arm that experts told us would break down years ago. Bailey will never have a season like this again, falling short of being the top of rotation stud many though he would be for a decade.

Adam Eaton: He’s going to miss some time to begin the season, but when he hits the lineup he’ll be an immediate impact in Arizona. Eaton is the real deal and a throwback version of yesteryear’s ballplayer. They just don’t make them like this guy anymore. He’ll hit .300, and if you extrapolate the numbers he puts up to 162 games, he’ll make your eyes bulge.

Josh Rutledge: Everyone is so excited about the return of King Tulo that they forget about the nice little player that developed right in front of their eyes last year. I say Rutledge puts up better offensive numbers than Tulo does in 2013.

Brandon Belt: Belt hasn’t really done what he was expected to do yet. This is the year you can count on a nice average, 23 to 25 home runs, and 80 to 85 RBI.

Starling Marte: Dread Pirate McCutchen finally gets a real first mate in Pittsburgh. Marte has the ability to do 25 homers and 40 steals as early as this season. Even if he misses, how does something like 18 long ones and 38 steals sound?

Anthony Rizzo: Here’s one of the safest bets in baseball to do .270 and 35 home runs.

Derek Holland: Someone that NO ONE is talking about is going to go out and contend for a Cy Young this year. It happens every damn year. Some relative, decent pitcher comes out and all of the sudden ‘finds it’ and they go 18-3 with a shiny ERA. Holland will have Kyle Lohse numbers from last year or something closer to it.

Max Scherzer: I’m honestly 99% certain that Scherzer will have better numbers than Verlander will in 2013. People now know why I pick the Tigers to be a World Series contender so easily, and it’s not Miggy and Fielder.

Chris Tillman: I think in a down year for the Orioles, it will be Tillman and not a Chris Davis who impresses the most. Tillman is a lottery ticket type guy, but I think he shows a little bit of magic in 2012.

Yonder Alonso: Laugh at the lack of power last season all you want. Go ahead, talk about Yasmani Grandal being the young breakout star on the Padres. Yonder from The U is going to make all you doubters look foolish in 2013. Look for .285, 25, and 100 RBI from the forgotten man in San Diego.

If we go for any more than that, we’re going to start predicting guys that everyone is all over. And that’s no fun. Look for these guys to climb in 2013. We’ve just got a feeling about them. Write it down, in permanent marker, on your grandmother’s antique dinner table in fact.

Cincinnati Reds 2013 Team Preview

Jay+Bruce

If you want me to be 100% honest, I thought it was the Reds year last year. I truly thought after they won the first two games of the NLDS in San Francisco that this team was headed to the World Series. The Reds were going to do one better than my prediction I made before the season of just reaching the NLCS; they were actually going to win the NL pennant and give themselves a shot at the first Cincinnati World Title since 1990 when I was eight years old.

The Reds completely broke my heart when they collapsed. Truth be told, I’m still not recovered from it. While I’m excited for  baseball season, I don’t necessarily think that this team in this window will ever be any better positioned to win it all. You can tell me that I’m wrong, and you can tell me that they’re better for the experience they gained and all that. My opinion is the Reds missed a golden opportunity to win it all last year and will never have a better opportunity.

The American League as a whole was suspect last season and I knew at the time that the hot team from the National League would probably win it. At first glance that team looked to be the Reds. Then Johnny Cueto got hurt. Then the Reds couldn’t make a few plays when Homer Bailey threw the gem that should have ended the series. Then the Reds had to throw Leake and throw away game four. Then in game five, Buster Posey drove a stake in my heart that will never be removed.

With that, I decided that I’ll never again believe it’s going to happen until the moment actually arrives. I am forever skeptical; forever jaded. There is no such thing as ‘we’re going to win the whole damn thing’ before we do it as I declared last year on Opening Day. Not this year. You have to prove it to me now.

Major Off-Season Moves:

  • Signed Jack Hannahan
  • Traded for Shin-Soo Choo
  • Re-signed Ryan Ludwick
  • Re-signed Jonathan Broxton
  • Re-signed Manager Dusty Baker

I know this team so well it’s scary sometimes. When I wake up in the morning during the season and the Reds have a game on their schedule, I know if they’re going to win or lose 95% of the time before the game is even played. I still watch and see the results play out. But at the end of things when the final out is recorded, I usually had a pulse of how things were going to go. My wife sometimes asks me why I don’t just smell the roses when following this team. Why don’t I just enjoy things a little bit more? I wish it were that easy. When this much passion gets involved; when you want something so badly, you can’t help but expect the zenith.

I want that damn trophy at the end of the year. There’s no reason that this group in this era shouldn’t win a title. They’re as good as anyone in the league right now. Everyone has their breaks, their weak spots, their bad luck; it’s time to go out and get it done. Anything less is considered an absolute failure. And if and when that happens I can’t help but be completely exasperated, usually after an emotional explosion.

Here’s a look at yours and my 2013 Cincinnati Reds after the jump. Continue reading

Talk Me Down From The Ledge

Last night was as it should have been. Homer Bailey was as dominant as a pitcher has ever been in the postseason.

According to Elias Sports Bureau, last night Homer Bailey became only the fourth pitcher in Major League Postseason history to allow 1 or fewer hits while striking out least 10 batters and throwing at least 7.0 innings…he joins Bal’s Mike Mussina (1997 ALCS vs Cle, 8ip, 1h, 10k), NYY’s Orlando Hernandez (1999 World Series vs Atl, 7ip, 1h, 10k) and NYY’s Roger Clemens (2000 ALCS vs Sea, 9ip, 1h, 15k).

Yet, the Reds drop this one 2-1 in 10 innings in front of the second largest crowd ever on hand at Great American Ballpark. Today, it’s Mike Leake pitching the biggest game of the Reds’ season. Johnny Cueto is done for the NLDS and the NLCS. Just terrific.

If the Reds bats awaken, they’ll move on to the NLCS. If they don’t, we’re going to lose this series in five game in a national embarrassment. If I’m completely honest with everyone that reads this blog; I’m not really satisfied with simply getting to the NLDS and winning a few playoff games. I want this damn series. I don’t care that Johnny Cueto and the team was dealt a really poor hand–and that’s what it was. When Homer Bailey pitches his ass off for you in an effort to keep you free from a lot of headaches, get more than four hits (three of which came in the first inning of the ballgame).

I now have a rotten feeling in my core I can’t seem to shake. That’s my thoughts on this early afternoon of what will be game four of the NLDS between the Giants and the Reds.

The Night Homer Bailey Ruled The Earth

[Box Score]

[Cincinnati.com] [All 27 outs - MLB.com]

When a pitcher goes 27 up, 27 down without allowing a hit; you never forget the feat that he accomplished. You remember the moment forever when you witness it.

To put in perspective the immortals that Homer Bailey joined last night, it was just the second no-hitter thrown by a Reds pitcher in my lifetime. I was just five years old in 1988 when Tom Browning threw a perfect game. I remember talking about it with my father, but just barely. If I live a full life, I might see one more Cincinnati Reds no-hitter.

If I could have chosen one guy in the big leagues that I would have liked to see throw a no-no, it would have been Homer Bailey. He’s been my favorite Reds pitcher for a long time now. I wrote back in April on my frustrations surrounding Bailey. He’s got that tragic hero trait. He’ll go out and have unbelievable stuff for six innings and then the wheels fall off. Or the bullpen inevitably blows his win (how many times has it happened this year alone?). Whacky things happen to bad-luck Bailey. But he’s been remarkably solid this season. He’s tied with Johnny Cueto to lead the team in quality starts. And he’s the only guy on that Reds roster that can speak on what it’s like to throw one of those games that Nolan Ryan knew about so well.

This was another moment in a season comprised of so much magic. If you are sitting here thinking that times are going to be like this for the next several seasons for Cincinnati; and granted they should be, please don’t be naive. It’s likely that we’ve reached the apex for this current group. Seasons like this and moments like this come along only a few times across a lifetime.

To that I say at least we were around to see it all unfold. I’ve been around the game for a long time, and I’ve seen a lot of nine inning frames expire. It takes a big moment for me to stand inches from the television (my only company being my dog) and to be yelling and pacing with every pitch. I wanted that so badly for Homer Bailey last night that when the pop up was hit to Brandon Phillips for out number 27, I yelled at the top of my lungs ‘YES! GET IT! YES!’.

Congratulations Homer Bailey. You’ve proven to the world that all that promise and all that patience was for good reason.

Stan the Man Couldn’t Sniff the Homer Bailey Express Because He Wasn’t Man Enough

Remember what I told y’all?

The only thing Bernie Brewer had to drink last night was my hot piss!

[Loads rifle, fires it in the air; twice]

Where’s that little bald-headed fuckjaw Jocketty? I reckon his desires to set me down in that bullpen have disappeared just like his view of his little pecker has over the years. Looking to acquire a pitcher? Take the day off, baldy. Just tell that worry-wart Price that I’m ready to go another nine innings tonight, and I’ll go another full nine tomorrow if he brings the right ingredients for moonshine.

[Gigs frog, hard]

Braun, Ramirez, Hart, Weeks, the little china-man lead off hitter. Not a one of um’ had balls enough to fornicate with Homer’s rocket fastball last night. When Chapman came in for the 9th inning, it musta’ seemed like a fuckin’ picnic.

The fans in this town got their britches all in a wrinkle about winning a pennant. The only flag we need to worry about bringing home this year is Clint Hurdle’s wife’s panties. And that’ll be no problem because the Homer Bailey Express was built for a long season of fucking.

[Skins muskrat with pocket knife]

Go dig up that pussy Musial, tell um’ I think he’s yella. I wanna challenge him to a draw, best man wins. When he turns around, only gun I’m going to be holdin’ is that big ace meat rocket that dangles between this legs. Cooperstown ain’t never seen anything like this.

[Takes off pair of long underwear, Puts on pair of ass-less chaps]

And I’m gonna give Stan ‘The Man’ a message to deliver to his Cardinal buddies from the Prince of 98 Miles per hour….. you tell um that Homer Bailey is ready for them, and he’s comin’ out fuckin’ down the stretch! That’s right, Holliday, Beltran, Furcal, and all the other St. Louis speds they got over there. Get ready for an orgy of splitters boys, it’s Homers turn with the ladies at this square-dance.

[Looks in mirror, combs hair back with a cougar bone handle comb]

Yeeeeeeeehawwwwww! If you think that fastball moistened some panties last night, you ain’t seen nothing yet!

I’m putting the Central Division on notice! I love baseball in a pennant chase because that’s when the whores come out! YEEEEEEEEHAWWWWW!

 

Reds Weekend Sweep the Cardinals in Cincinnati

[Box Score]

[Hal McCoy] [Cincinnati.com]

What a weekend.

On the weekend that my best friend tied the knot (the Reds lost to the Cardinals on my big day), the Reds swept the Cardinals and reclaimed sole possession of first place in the NL Central standings. They played on ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball last night. It’s the first time it’s been in Cincinnati in a very long time. Last night was about as large as a July ballgame gets. The Reds showed the nation that pitching, defense, and timely hitting are the best ways to build something special.

I think Friday and Saturday night’s games were additional evidence in this. I didn’t realize that the Reds basically have the finest defense in baseball. The starting pitching and bullpen have been phenomenal. It’s the hitting that has ran pretty hot-cold. And if you’re going to have one ingredient that is going to waiver with your ball club, I think you should want it to be the hitting. Everyone slumps. If you can keep pitching and defense from going into slumps you can manufacture enough runs to win. Especially in Great American Ball Park.

The Reds hitting will come around. I remember so many weekends where it wasn’t even fathomable to sweep the high and mighty St. Louis Cardinals. To even go into Sunday with a chance of a sweep was like playing in the Super Bowl. Last night, I expected the win. I knew Homer Bailey would pitch his ass off.

The Reds are going to win the division this year. They’re going to go to the NLCS. Believe it. Know it. Times might get ugly, but more often than not they’ll find a way (it doesn’t get much uglier than Scott Rolen winning one for you with an opposite field single).

This is the team that you waited since 1990 and 1995 for Cincinnati. Try to soak it in.