Satan is 20 historic clouts away from baseball immortality

Tonight in his first at bat against the San Diego Padres, Barry Bonds hit his 1st homerun of the season. This brought all kinds of cock gobbling from the ESPN-ites.

“He’s going to reach it july 1st,” Buster Olney declared with excitement. “He just looks great!” Oh well fuckin’ joy! If you can remember, I predicted that Bonds wouldn’t reach Henry Aaron this year at all. I’ll stand by that prediction till he does it, if he does it.

But since it’s a forgone conclusion by everyone in the media that he’s already got the record (isn’t anything that is a story?) I guess I should just subside to the fact that I’m a dumbass. Everyone just keeps talking about how great he looks, well yeah I’ll look great too if I pump horse hydrogen in my ass from age 30 to 40. It’s the fountain of youth man!

Let me straighten something out. I don’t want to see Bonds fail and not get this record because of steroids; in fact nothing could be further from the truth. I don’t give a shit if a guy is on steroids and puts up monsters numbers, I’ll just hope he’s on my fantasy team. Shit, if roids can get Adam Dunn to 700 career blasts or an 80 homer season I’ll be the supplier. The simple fact of the matter is, Bonds is the biggest prick in sports, period. I can’t tell you about how many stories I’ve heard, or how many times I’ve personally seen him be a condescending fuck to all around him, aside from the many publications about this son of a bitch.

If you’re going to break the sexiest record in all of sports, all-time, well you better be a good person. But we all know good things happen to only bad, VERY BAD people, therefore I expect Bonds will be getting that record with a smile, shattering it, and I’ll be getting flat tires in ghettos forever.