Behind Home Plate, Doug Eddings will straight F–k you up!

So you probably heard about the Atlanta Braves second loss of the season yesterday, a 1-0 defeat in Atlanta at the hands of mighty Wade Davis and the Royals. In actuality, this win was gifted to Davis by none other than the most pitcher-friendly son of a bitch in on earth.

That’s right, when this asshole is behind home plate; a pitcher is sure to get healthy in a hurry. He has the largest strike zone in baseball – and it’s so noticeable that if you watch nine innings of Doug Eddings baseball – you’ll inevitably learn his name. That’s because when you watch a Doug Eddings home-plate game, you’re no longer watching baseball. You’re watching the Doug Eddings Show! You’re in Dougie’s house, and he gets all the say about when the mustard jar is finished.

It is indeed a bizarro world where not only Wade Davis can be a star for a day, but where he has a signature ‘strike three mechanic’ that mutilates ALCS games. It is a world where calls can be reversed. It is a world when 12-1 teams have earned him waking up with a chip on his shoulder. He is here to teach you a lesson, and if he cannot teach by force he will just throw you out of the game (something he does 1.6% more than the average umpire). It is a world where 15 hitters strike out per nine innings. A world where A.J. Pierzynski benefits. When this shit heel is behind the plate, do what you need to do to find out when betting lines are posted and take the under.

He definitely fucking hates the Atlanta Braves (check out the pitch F/X data from when he threw Chipper Jones out of the game). Which is okay, because Atlanta is a dirty whore-monger city.

The guy has a grill named ‘Ump 88′ named after him (the most popular dish is called “hitters’ brain”). Doug, no one gives a shit about your grill because you’re an umpire. No one should even know your name. You should blend in the background like a skyline in a fine landscape artist’s work.

I bet Doug Eddings is out there Googling his own name as we speak. Please, someone out there keep this sadistic son of a bitch away from the few teams I like!