Remember what I told y’all?
The only thing Bernie Brewer had to drink last night was my hot piss!
[Loads rifle, fires it in the air; twice]
Where’s that little bald-headed fuckjaw Jocketty? I reckon his desires to set me down in that bullpen have disappeared just like his view of his little pecker has over the years. Looking to acquire a pitcher? Take the day off, baldy. Just tell that worry-wart Price that I’m ready to go another nine innings tonight, and I’ll go another full nine tomorrow if he brings the right ingredients for moonshine.
[Gigs frog, hard]
Braun, Ramirez, Hart, Weeks, the little china-man lead off hitter. Not a one of um’ had balls enough to fornicate with Homer’s rocket fastball last night. When Chapman came in for the 9th inning, it musta’ seemed like a fuckin’ picnic.
The fans in this town got their britches all in a wrinkle about winning a pennant. The only flag we need to worry about bringing home this year is Clint Hurdle’s wife’s panties. And that’ll be no problem because the Homer Bailey Express was built for a long season of fucking.
[Skins muskrat with pocket knife]
Go dig up that pussy Musial, tell um’ I think he’s yella. I wanna challenge him to a draw, best man wins. When he turns around, only gun I’m going to be holdin’ is that big ace meat rocket that dangles between this legs. Cooperstown ain’t never seen anything like this.
[Takes off pair of long underwear, Puts on pair of ass-less chaps]
And I’m gonna give Stan ‘The Man’ a message to deliver to his Cardinal buddies from the Prince of 98 Miles per hour….. you tell um that Homer Bailey is ready for them, and he’s comin’ out fuckin’ down the stretch! That’s right, Holliday, Beltran, Furcal, and all the other St. Louis speds they got over there. Get ready for an orgy of splitters boys, it’s Homers turn with the ladies at this square-dance.
[Looks in mirror, combs hair back with a cougar bone handle comb]
Yeeeeeeeehawwwwww! If you think that fastball moistened some panties last night, you ain’t seen nothing yet!
I’m putting the Central Division on notice! I love baseball in a pennant chase because that’s when the whores come out! YEEEEEEEEHAWWWWW!