The Bachelor as a Fantasy Sport

So last night I picked up the woman at the airport and she was talking not about her excitement to see me again; but her excitement for the season premiere of The Bachelor (Season 15). I also learned that there is apparently a new fantasy sport that has formed around this douchey ass show.

At the beginning of the show you get a certain amount of girls in the ‘draft’ or drawn out of a hat. From there, you score points based on different events that fall randomly on the menstrual calendar, such as crying.

I was interested to find that getting a rose was actually worth less than not only crying, but getting into a verbal fight. In fantasy baseball, certain aspects are at a premium. You want that good WHIP because it helps ballgames be won. That’s why fantasy baseball is so wonderful. But in Fantasy Bachelor–getting a rose which is getting closer to ‘winning’ on the show doesn’t count for much in the fantasy game.

The girl at the end who has the best fantasy roster of girls goes home with the prize or the pot or a trip to the masseuse to cry with her friends, whatever.

And you realize this is entirely horrible, right? Women are invading our rite of passage and making a complete mockery of the things that are only ours and holy to our manhood. At least there aren’t magazines or analysts devoted to who has the best shot at landing a 1 on 1 date with Brad.

Something else I learned last night that was bullshit: this Brad Womack fellow is on his second go-around as The Bachelor. Yep. For those of you who don’t pay attention like me this fuckin’ chach has been on the show once before for a full season of sucking and screwing and all the like. I’m told by Mrs. Diamond Hoggers of course that ‘Brad says he is a changed man now’ for his second go-around.

Well that’s just tremendous. Most guys don’t get to live this fantasy world even one time but because Brad is so fucking interesting apparently–he gets 25 or 30 two legged does fawning over him not once in his life; but TWICE! Again, not jealous but how could one turd be that much more interesting than everyone else?

Brad, I hope you and every future Bachelor develop leprosy of the dick and it falls off so there can’t be anymore bachelor. They’re going to have to try Fantasy Kardashians or Fantasy Real World then or some shit because The Bachelor will be out!

Women might be able to steal our time that we spend with our flat screen in our living room but they can’t take our fantasy sports!

For the love of God, someone do something!