If There's a God, Pedroia Doesn't Win AL MVP

Please don’t let it happen, baseball writers of America. Find it in yourself to select anyone other than this little fucker to win the MVP.

Look, Massholes. He’s got numbers plenty impressive. Pedroia as of today is hitting .325 with 17 HR and 83 RBI. He’s collected 211 nails against the chalkboard hits. He’s stolen 20 bases and been caught stealing just once.

But don’t let him be the MVP. Don’t do this to us. If only Carlos Quentin hadn’t hurt his damn hand.

We won’t beat around the bush. We haven’t liked Pedroia since the ALCS last season when against the Indians he got mouthy after a high and tight pitch. He rubbed us the wrong way. He seemed, like the kind of guy who would not let you in his frat house for a big unless you were on the list; the truth being he is just a huge cockblock who wanted all the girls for himself.

Pedroia does NOTHING for us. He’s small. He’s arrogant. He doesn’t hit the long ball really. He’s a doubles hitter (54 of them) which equates to us that he’s just strong enough to hit the ball in the gap and fast enough to leg it outplaying the game the way it should be played. We’re not saying he’s a bad player. We’re just saying if this guy goes down in history as the Senior Circuit’s finest player for the year 2008 we’ll hang ourself.

Oh who the fuck are we trying to kid? The little son of a bitch is a fine player, he just further extends our hate for the Red Sox. Of course he’s a Red Sox player. Players like Pedroia end up being punch and judy’s for life in any other major league city. Insignificant, just like we like guys who look like Pedroia to end up being.

But not here. He’s blossomed into a mega-star. The chowder heads think he’s a God. Which makes our blood boil. Of course he’s only 24. Meaning we get to put up with another 15 years of this fuck-weasel. What happened to the days of the 50 home run MVP? The big fucking ox who slams balls out of Yosemite and is an intimidating force? A guy who gets used to grinding his battle stick in the batters box and making pitchers piss down their leg with the mere site of them.

But Pedroia? This guy couldn’t be trusted to keep your fucking adolescent sister locked in her room if she was grounded. He’s a pussy. And he thinks he isn’t.

Obviously his craft has developed. Obviously we’re just being haters. We don’t like the guy. We don’t have one, singular reason. But we don’t like him. At. All.

He’s a piece of garbage. And he plays for a team who we’ve grown to hate. Massholes hear me out. Pedroia is a little asshat and he’s going to crumble in the playoffs (hit only .154 in the ALDS last season vs. Anaheim no matter that he hit .345 in the ALCS). We want him to get shit on soooo bad. It just hasn’t happened yet.

We’re screwed aren’t we? Why do bad things happen to good people? This guy is gonna be the fuckin MVP. I’ve seen it all.

Just don’t drop that trophy that towers over you on the way home Dustin. You might need a tow dolly to get it home, you little shit.