What's Going to Happen?

If you haven’t gotten a look yet at the new Sports Illustrated cover issue showing off Kosuke Fukudome of the Chicago Cubs, there you have it. I hope you Cubs fans enjoyed your nice little run to begin the season, cause now you’re fucked for sure. I got news for you people; you Cubs fans who really are just like any other fairweather fans out there (and it’s fine but just admit your following is no better than the Athletics when they were winning a few years ago). It’s not going to take a Billy Goat this year to destroy your dreams. Your team is going to fall apart at the seams and be right down there with the stink Reds and stink Pirates of the NL central here in a bit.

Here’s why:

Your two best hitters are aging. Derek Lee and Aramis Ramirez are great offensive players but they’re always one big swing away from having their body betray them. You’re getting Soriano back soon from the DL though right? Well, he hasn’t been an elite offensive player since he spent the year dropping balls in the Washington National outfield.

Kerry Wood isn’t an elite closer. When it comes right down to it (if he even can stay healthy all season) he’ll shit down his leg. While he might have the mental makeup to be a closer, good teams will find a way to send him through the gauntlet in the 9th inning and among closers in the game right now, I’m liking my chances against Wood in the 9th about as much as anyone. He’s a HUGE blown save or two waiting to happen in October when it matters. And I’ll laugh about it.

Fukodome. I’m sick and tired of hearing about the guy. For Chrissakes, he’s only hitting .319 people! One home run and 9 measley RBI. You can pair those numbers with 18 K’s thus far. That trend shows his average is going to drop if he doesn’t start making more consistent contact. It’s good to know how easy it is to make the cover of Sports Illustrated these days. Just more proof that when the Cubs win they’re hyped up more than any team in baseball with the exception of the cock-gobbling that takes place every time the Red Sox or Yanks win 5 in a row. Hope you’re proud of being grouped in with those barf buckets in something. And I know you are.

Where’s the punch in this lineup after Lee and Ramirez? Ryan Theriot? Mark DeRosa? Reed Johnson? Ha. This group honestly won’t hit its way out of a wet paper sack against elite pitching it will need to beat to ‘make it happen’.

Lets talk about the pitching. Big Z and Carlos Marmol are legit studs. After that it’s shit. How much longer do you think that Ryan Dempster is going to continue on this miracle run? I’ve got two answers: not.long. From there you’ve got a nice blend of Jason Marquis and Ted Lilly (who’s been especially brutal even for Lilly). You don’t really have a defined 5th starter since Rich Hill shit the bed early on. So after Zambrano your rotation is absolute crap.

The only thing that’s going to happen is the Cubs will subsequently fuck away their chance at anything worthwhile because they’ve got a roster assembled of fringe players and scummies. The only difference this year will be that the pitch of the crybabies who sit out in the bleachers will be loud enough you can hear it all over the nation. I can’t wait to hear you ‘waaaaah’ babies blame another Steve Bartman type because you had the world by the ass and pissed it away.

Take your SI cover and shove it straight up your ass!