With the Easter holiday commenced, Diamond Hoggers had the opportunity to review some of the Easter baskets from around Major League Baseball this past sunday. When we looked inside these famed baskets, here is what was found:
Big Papi: Jumbo pack of Peeps, A giant chocolate rabbit, jelly beans, big league chew, gift certificates to Mickey-D’s
Derek Jeter: Crest Toothpaste, dental floss, self tanner, teeth whitening strips, protein shake mix, a new pedometer
A-Rod: jalapenos, xanax, jalapenos, red bell pepper, more xanax
David Eckstein (although he is Jewish): Johnson & Johnson baby oil, a penis that doesn’t look like an ant-eater, play dough, a play shave-kit, 2 new Webkinz
Tony LaRusa: a bottle of Chivas Regal scotch, a bottle of bourbon, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle of Absolut, a Garmin that has an auto alarm when there are any idles in the trip of over 3 seconds.
Johnny Damon: the other half of his tongue so he can begin to talk like the rest of us
Manny Ramirez: a slinky, a pogo stick, 3 new pairs of zuba pants, Rick James Greatest Hits CD, new TIVA sandals, a chinese finger trap, a magic wand, marker that when you write with it the text dissapears after a few seconds
Adam Dunn: A log of copenhagen (fine cut), the fat women that are available the last 15 minutes before the bars close at 3 am in kentucky, a log of Skoal fine cut, a bottle of moonshine
Barry Bonds: syringes, masking agents for horse drugs, viles, someone else’s piss (at room temperature in a double zip-lock bag), deca-dendrione 4
Don Imus: 18 holes of golf with Fuzzy Zoeller, only white chocolate items
Pat Burrell: 6 gin and tonics, a muscle shirt missing the 2 top buttons, a bottle of morning after pills, Condoms that are unbreakable, prenuptual agreement with every women he’s slept with
Tim Kurkjan: semi-automatic weapons, baseball encyclopedia, game film from Ruth’s historic called shot, an ant farm, losing his virginity
Peter Gammons: a Red Sox custom made ‘Gammons’ jersey, Karl Ravech’s cock, lyposuction for his chin, a brain that hasn’t had an anyerism.
Joe Torre: a day of solitude and a violin, a time machine so he can meet Sinatra
Grady Sizemore: a new city to play in that isn’t cursed, Clarke Kent’s cape, Teri Hatcher 10 years ago, Teri Hatcher now, anything else he wants.
Travis Hafner: AC/DC tickets, Megadeath signed guitar, 4 kittens (beheaded), a pass to feed the lions at the Cleveland Zoo
Barry Zito: lots of weird stuff, another contract he doesn’t deserve, Alyssa Milano’s ass back
Ozzie Guillen: the Venezualan flag, warfare with Baseball’s other 30+ teams
Roger Clemens: the right to pitch only in October; on wednesdays; when the temperature is above 70 degrees; with his family in the stands; for any team he chooses; for $35.4 million with a ‘Clemens’ option for next season.
Lou Piniella: someone to remove the space rocket from his asshole, an atomic bomb that would only blow up the city the size of, say…..Tampa Bay
Jeff Weaver: An ounce of weed, visine, a bucket of chicken wings, more weed (he likes weed).
Hank Aaron: to come out of retirement, potent sickle cell for Barry Bonds, for 755 to become 955 magically, 10 swings off of Johann Santana
Alright, if we missed anything–leave yours in the comments!! Happy belated Easter!