Meet hideous Dan Briggs

This hideous player hits a little bit closer to home then most. You see, Dan Briggs opened up a baseball school here in central Ohio. While Dan could open this academy, titled “Big League Baseball Academy” and host a camp, Dan really could hardly take credit for being a big leaguer.

We always wanted to say that to him. I guess now is our chance. Sure, he’s been to the show. He’s probably had drinks bought for him, probably seen beautiful women, he’s played catch in the outfield of the greatest parks in the world. But being a self promoting hitting instructor when you hit .195 in 325 big league games is about like having a stripper teach a high school health class about abstinence.

One thing we remember about Briggs, actually a couple things. One, he was a loose cannon. Very squirrely. At any moment something would set him off, he’d go apeshit, and he’d disappear for 20 minutes of the lesson. He’d return and act like nothing ever happened.

One time at his baseball camp a fellow camper was walking to his spot in the outfield. The kid showed up in Airwalks. He was there because his parents made him be. He wasn’t enjoying it. Mr. Briggs had to know this. But when Danny boy saw this guy trotting to his spot (we were probably 13 or 14 at the time) Dan yelled in a furious but quick voice “Jesus Christ! HEY! YOU! Break a fucking trot!” and was incensed in the dugout during the entire scrimmage because of it.

Finally when he was teaching us hitting in high school (and looking back it was a waste of our parents money–we received as good of instruction from former D1 players in college) you’d be taking cuts off the tee right? All of the sudden Dan Briggs would grab the bat from you, shove you out of the way, and he’s going to show you how to explode at the point of contact. And do you know what he said sound he made at the point of contact?


Every time. Like clockwork. When he’d swing and hit the ball he’d uncoil and yell that out. Or he’d stop his bat just before exploding on the baseball and he’d simulate hitting it with a thunderous:


And that’s our story about Dan Briggs, who is now part of hideous big league leaguer week forever.