We’re Addicted to Fake Bleacher Report

Every once in a while you find an idea on the internet that is so perfect, and so beautiful; you simply cannot express your happiness that it exists. If you own a blog, you write a post on it. This is one of those rare and special moments.

I admit. I’m completely hooked and addicted to Very Fake Bleacher Report. I’m an animal. Ever since Mike Rosenbaum of the Sombrero told me about it after a recent podcast, I Google “Fake BR” every single day and I feverishly look at their new tweets.

Today, I’ve stumbled upon something even better. Fake Bleacher Report has a blog. And the most recent post made me spit out my water that I was drinking while sitting at my desk at work.

SLIDSHOW: 5 Most Important Thigns to Remember as A Baseball Player

It’s so right. So perfectly and eloquently displayed, and so accurate.

For years, I was a guy who didn’t know that any article you find on Bleacher Report is pure horse shit. To this day, I frequent many sports message boards to find up to date news or scoops. Too often, real news is shrouded with a Bleacher Report article talking about “A-Rod being traded for Albert Pujols, TOMORROW”. People who haven’t been clued in that anything written by Bleacher Report is complete crap that was made up by Madden playing adolescents buy into it and discuss it feverishly.

Last summer, I got sucked in for the last time. I found an article where the guy swore up and down that ‘his source’ told him Carlos Marmol was going to the Reds for Chris Heisey. After ‘tomorrow’ came and went without anything the lying sack of shit said coming to fruition I made a promise to myself. I’m not reading their poorly written, construed bullshit one more time.

I don’t care what promises they make. I don’t care if the headline reads that ‘DWAYNE ROCK JOHNSON TO FIGHT JOE TORRE AT WRESTLEMANIA’. I don’t buy it. I won’t buy it. I have been burnt like a child of a father who never makes good on his weekend visits. I’m DONE with real bleacher report.

However, fake bleacher report really is everything I need to turn around an awful and stressful mid-week day. If the numerous ‘SLIDSHOWS’ don’t make you laugh (tell me that isn’t right on, everything on bleacher is about SLIDESHOWS!) then the sheer spelling errors and grammatical follies will get you to grin.

Just read the post I linked. Visit their twitter. Give it a good honest shot. If it’s not your thing, you don’t have a soul. I personally think fake bleacher report could grow to be as big as Aerosmith. They’re that on point. And lets be honest; it’s not like they can screw this up. Just read real bleacher report if you must for a few minutes. They’re breeding new material for fake bleacher report to capitalize on every day.

Life needs more things in it like fake bleacher report. The world would be a much better place.

UPDATE: Chicago Now has beaten me to the punch in discovering my little gems. But I’m telling you they’re going to be huge stars. None of this would be possible without writers like Illya Harrell promising Cubs fans to ‘get use to the site of Chris Heisey in centerfield’ and ‘Reds fans, get ready for Carlos Marmol in your bullpen’.

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  • Illya

    Ha! I’ll now admit that the article was 100% falsified — A source did tell me that Heisey would be dealt for Marmol… of course this was after I told my step-dad to repeat verbatim those exact words to me.

    You couldn’t be more right about the current state of B/R. It’s a waste of time.

    They claim to be the 4th largest sport site on the Internet. However most of there traffic visits are via Google searches from lonely guys looking to tug one to [Insert Attractive Female Athlete]. I haven’t written anything for them since the end of last baseball season.

    At one time it was a good website. I got in on the tail end of those days.

    Then the founders sold the site to some dolts looking for as much ad revenue as possible. That’s when the sleazy slideshows and just plain lame slideshows started. As a former feature columnist I was asked to produce slideshows and one sentence paragraphed articles… Brass tacks, just another good website bought and ruined by the suits.

    Take care,

    Illya Harrell