A few weeks back some unheralded, bearded gnome went 6 for 6 in a Coors Field Friday game. On that day something special was born. We get the feeling watching Blackmon each night that this little run he has going on could last all year long. Sure, he’ll slump like every hitter does. His BABIP isn’t going to remain a sterling .391 all season – congratulations to you numbers guys for your ‘out on a limb’ proclamation there.
But the Rockies have a good lineup. And they play in Coors Field half the time. If you have a mind like a steal-trap, you might remember what we said about Coors Field and it’s effect on a Rockies hitter every so often back in our 2014 Rockies Team preview:
Anyone here watch WWE wrestling? You know how Vince McMahon can kind of just create a star out of whoever he wants? That’s kind of what Coors Field does for certain offensive players seemingly with it’s imaginary hand.
[talks about Rockies hitters, doesn’t mention Blackmon]
But one of these guys we aren’t talking about will see their numbers jump exponentially. One of these guys is going to be a waiver pick-up in your fantasy league, and they’re going to help a league-mate in a big way.
And wouldn’t you know, that 2014 and Coors Field has chosen Charlie Blackmon. He’s going to do this all year long barring an injury. He’s going to be the little turd that’s been polished into one of the top players in fantasy baseball.
But enough of the touting – lets get to the nickname. We play in a fantasy league with a colorful character who remarked last year that ‘he was always finding the next great porn star off the waiver wire while the rest of us in the league were always finding washed-up crackwhores’. Didn’t he put it nicely?
This has led us to embrace it to a degree and give Charlie Blackmon the name that best fits him. Charlie Blackmon will from now on be known as ‘The Aging Porn Star’. That’s right folks. He’s got a few more feature films left in him in 2014 before he turns to interracial and once he gives that up he’ll never be heard from again. The year 2014 is Charlie Blackmon’s one shot at the title. You take one look at him and you know he’s not built for a 10-year career. You know he’s not going to go down as a Rockies great. His star will burn bright and it will burn quick but then he’ll be into obscurity and never heard from again. He’s got the shelf-life of a porn star, and thus the greatest nickname he’s ever been given.
With him and Big Cuban Stud Jose Abreu, my fantasy team will remain near the top once again.
And to Hell with those shrimp dicks like Tristan H. Cockroft leaving our Aging Pornstar off their Top-250 list for the rest of the year. Come play in a league with me Tristan. Not like we expect someone from ESPN to know anything about an aging Porn Star who is west of the eastern time zone anyways.