Hideous Ballplayer Week: Nothing Bonus about Ricky Bones


To pass a week of time in the dullest and most hideous month of them all, we bring you Hideous Ballplayer Week, a time-honored tradition at Diamond Hoggers. We’ll bring to you your middling player who hung around long outliving his sill set, or something brutal that occurred on the baseball diamond. We’ll pass the time swapping stories of yesteryear, sitting around the fire talking about the players we’ve seen that made us want to gouge our eyes out with their mediocrity. Ricky Bones was the reason why the early 90’s Brewers under manager Phil “Scrap Iron” Garner couldn’t have nice things. And now he’s the first pitcher this year to become part of Hideous Ballplayer Week.

Why he’s here: 63-82 career win-loss record. Career 1.475 WHIP stands out like a sore thumb on any career stats page. Never struck out more than 77 hitters in a season despite twice topping the 200-inning plateau – but he sure as shit mastered the art of allowing a gopher ball. From 1992-1997, Bones allowed an average of 23 home runs per season. Never came anywhere near a postseason game. Career WAR of 6.9, which is the equivalent of getting a 12 on the ACT for putting your name on it. Made the All Star Game in 1994, was not permitted to go near the mound in the game (he struck out three hitters per nine innings that year, so they would have eaten him alive). Had a jheri curl long after it was a thing. Was the only pitcher to allow multiple home runs to Jeff Reboulet. Mitchell Report card-carrying member.

Notoriety: New York Mets bullpen coach. Was once traded for Gary Sheffield before baseball learned of his shitty tendencies. Was then traded for Pat Listach after the skeletons were out of the closet (yes, it’s a pun). Is married to the cousin of Ricky Ledee. Affluent Spanish-speaker.

Tortured by the Elite: Albert Belle, Brady Anderson, Reggie Jefferson, Edgar Martinez, Mo Vaughn, Harold Baines, and Jay Buhner hit him so hard he still has nightmares about it.

Holy shit, 1993 Earned Runs: It reads like a C-Span play by play transcript.

Phil Garner’s Camarro: He gave up a home run in 1993 to Mickey Tettleton that smashed the hood of my favorite Camarro. When Bones returned to the dugout, Phil Garner called him down to the clubhouse tunnel and there he was waiting with a crowbar around the corner that turned into the locker room. Garner had to be restrained by several Brewers and later retreated to the players-only parking lot where he used the crowbar to destroy Bones’ Scwhinn bicycle he rode to the park each day.

Teammates of Note: Josh Beckett, Barry Larkin, Mariano Rivera, Wade Boggs, Tony Gwynn, Brady Anderson, Mike Maddux, Cecil Fielder, Paul Molitor, Robin Yount, Cal Ripken, Carlos Beltran, Jason Grilli

Theory: People wonder why offensive numbers are on the decline around baseball. It’s because baseball doesn’t have any more Ricky Bones’s hanging around for 11 years to get tattooed by big league hitters.