Stop being so shitty Pedro Alvarez, it starts with not tucking your ears in

There’s this older fellow who I do loans with whom I’ve taken a liking to. His desk is directly behind mine, and he reminds me of my father-in-law. Not too long ago he got the hint that I was a ‘baseball guy’. He’s a Pirates fan, and we often start our day in the daily grind talking about what the Pirates did the night before.

Right now he’s not too happy with how the Pirates are swinging the bat. It’s hard to blame him when I last heard the team’s BABIP was under .100 for the year. But the real cause of 99% of his angst is Pedro Alvarez. Is there a more miserable player in all of the big leagues than Pedro Alvarez? That’s a trick question, there isn’t. Pedro Alvarez is a bonus baby, a first-round pick represented by Scott Boras who was supposed to be monstrous and is nothing but an enormous tease each and every spring. He’s the player in the movie who puts on a perfect show to all fields in batting practice and then in the game Pedro Alvarez makes you want to tear your eye brows off because you’re horrified with the four at-bats you witnessed.

Pedro Alvarez is hitting .069 in 29 at bats to start this year. Pedro Alvarez: screw you for causing this man whom I am fond of a less happy beginning to his every day. A man who already works under conditions of duress and stress in the mortgage loan business, a man who already takes blood pressure medication and can only complain to me each day about how stupid your approach is with every at-bat. I’ve seen it before myself, but the way he describes it actually makes it seem worse than it is. Which is impossible, because every time Pedro Alvarez makes an out; which is better than nine of every ten chances to do so, causes this man to lose minutes off of his life.

We could be talking about enjoyable subjects around the league. We could spend our morning watercooler talk covering the weather. I could learn about his family. Instead, we talk about your heartless, dickless efforts as a millionaire baseball player.

Beyond this, it was brought to my attention today that Pedro Alvarez wears his hat with his ears tucked in now. I’ve noticed this and thought it was odd before. I passed on it and let it go. Until today.

If you’re going to continue wrecking my work-friend’s home life, if you’re going to continue wrecking my other friends’ fantasy teams, if you’re going to continue to be all-things shitty in the baseball kingdom (a given); you non-ear hat-wearing fuck.

For all the things that happen on a baseball diamond each night that are a thing of beauty–things that you want to bottle up and keep forever–Pedro Alvarez destroys all those things just by being him. He has developed a level of awfulness that is truly unique and his own.