The Offseason Dreams of Matt Stairs

Well, fuck. Now that we done lost the World Series to them damn Yankees of up north, I figured I’d travel home to my homeland and live with the rest of the Nordiques of my kind. My baseball career’s aboot over with and I figure I can find work as a trapper, a rancher, or maybe a trailsmen somewhere well hidden in some wooded area beyond the border. I’ve carved oot a pretty good career. 17 seasons and 11 teams later I’ve got a .264 average and 3 stolen bases to show for it. I think I might fit well as a lumberjack too. The timber is fresh up in New Brunswick. Fuck being a substitute teacher.

But I’ve decided I like Philadelphia. This is a city where anything is possible. Even if they doon’t know who I am, I like the fans. I like the cheesesteaks. I like the colored folk. I like Ben Franklin. The women don’t mind if you have stretch marks on your underbelly covered up my multi-colored thick hair. I’m not going anywhere.

I fully intend to open up a car wash like old Lenny Dykstra did. It’s gonna be big. We’re going to have all kinds of deals. Stop by Matty Stairs Wash & Dry and get the Grand Slam special. That’s right, $9.99 and a quick spin later not only will your car feel great; but you’ll feel like you just smelled one of Charlie Manuel’s clubhouse shits! See, at Matty Stairs Wash & Dry we focus on bringing all the authenticism of an MLB Clubhouse!

It’s going to be big. (stares off into the distance of abandon car wash business)

For an extra $2, you can wear a game worn Matt Stairs helmet through the car wash as you wash up your Jaguar. For $15.99 you get the MVP! Wear the helmet of Matty Stairs, get your Jaguar washed, and an officially autographed picture of me in nothing but my Montreal Expos uniform from my rookie year banging a French Canadian transvestite hooker with Delino Deshields and Marquis Grissom!

Throw in an extra five bucks on any package, and I’ll shave off some of my beard and give it to you. To hell with game worn gloves and bats. I’m giving you a piece of a former Major Leaguer’s DNA. Where the hell else in America can you get that?

We’ll feature specials like the dugout wax special and the pinch hit vaccum detail!

At the end of my career, I was lucky to even pinch hit or get in a game. But that didn’t stop me from knocking 259 big flies out of the park did it? Well being a beastly, bulging, furry man isn’t going to stop me from opening one of these beauties in every city in America.

Beats the hell out of cooking hasbrowns at the Le Blu’ Cafe like my brother.