Parting is such sweet sorrow

Early this morning, I cut the rope of which at the other end, Armando Benitez’s fat ass was hanging. Of course I’m talking about fantasy baseball, and I consider this my first groundbreaking move of the season, if you can call it that. You see, I made some moves that I am never going to make again in fantasy baseball at the season’s beginning (compounded by the fact that Chris Carpenter and Chien Ming Wang are the two starters I drafted and they’re hurt). I took a shitload of closers in an attempt to win the Saves (which I am), ERA, and WHIP categories.

The problem is, closers pitch less innings, and while that can be in an advantage if they’re all having seasons like what Todd Jones (whom I got off the waiver wire) is having, then that is a good thing, you’ll win those categories. But when several of them are throwing up sub 6.00 and 7.00 fucking ERA’s to start the season, well with such a small sample size you’re going to get ass raped, and find yourself trying to climb out of the basement like I am right now. It’s alright. Help is on the way.

I picked up well known baseball dumpster-dick Ted Lilly. He’s been one of the most commanding left handers in the National League since coming over from Toronto. Who the fuck am I kidding? The guy is mediocre, overpaid, and he’s had two outings against a slumping Reds team in bad weather. It’s simply a matter of time until his shit gets sprayed all over windy Wrigley field. He was simply the best available when I pushed the panic button.

So I dropped Mr. Benitez, who happens to be twins with Jorge Julio! Just look at that resemblance! I’ve always thought that. My thinking is, that seriously, Benitez is a shit-dick waiting to happen. The Giants aren’t very good, and he’ll get the least amount of save opportunities of all my closers (it was a toss-up between he and Solomon Torres of the Pirates).

So I’m going to sit back, relax, use Benitez’s old locker as a revolving door for any starter out there who I have a gut feeling that is hot, and probably watch Armando now win NL Comeback player of the year, since every player I’ve dropped in the past shits golden eggs. Yes, last year I dropped Justin Morneau early, and I had a feeling it would come back to bite me in the ass. One AL MVP award later, Morneau says “Sucks Bitch”.