March Madness has nothing to do with Basketball

If you think I’ve got a hard-on for winning, you should see what I do to this fine animal!

He wants a million and a half raise does he? Well fuck him, I’m calling his bluff! Get that pig on the horn right now! I’ll make the time I made Giambi cry look like a fucking silent auction!

Jeter and A-Rod fighting amost eachother, Bernie Williams spilling his mess onto my pretty trousers, and now Rivera wants more money? That son of a bitch. He knows what I go through. He knows I am good for the coin. What’s so hard about honoring a contract, play it out, then you get renewed. The New York Yankees are a “pay for performance company”, what about that doesn’t he understand? Fuck his mother! I’m a 76 year old man. I’ve got a lot to worry about at this age. Did I take my pills at the right hour? Did I get enough fiber in my diet to stay ‘regular’? Could I still get a hard-on if needed? Then I start thinking about the American League….

We’ve got word from Indians camp that they’re primed for a World Series run. The Red Sox have the Jap’ in camp takin away our headlines. Pinella went to the Cubs when he knew that our pinstripes would make him look thinner. That coupled with the fact that the Devil Rays and Blue Jays are sure to be hot on our ass like a Catholic boy in a sex shop. It just isn’t fair.

The media wants to say I’ve ‘cooled off’ with age. The media can choke on a fucking piece of rare filet mignon. Remember when I called that export, Irabu, a fat pussy toad? That’s going to look like a peace treaty signing if that spaghetti dick Torre doesn’t get off his heals and stop being so God Damn passive! What is it about the Italians that us Jewish just don’t get? Maybe that’s why they have a history of poverty, and losing, and we have a history of being rich and soaked in glory. I won’t stop until we are winners, every game, every year, we’re going to be winners in 2047, and fuck yes I’ll be here to raise that trophy first. I’m too mean to die you know.

Do you know how it pains me to be sitting here in March, and our biggest headline is that our muppet looking shortstop and greedy choke artist disguised as a third baseman are in a pissing match? Do you know what that does to my heart? If I hear one more fucking time about “The House that Ruth Built” being torn down, I’m going to breath fire! Once again, that old bastard has been dead for years. You wanna know why he died? He was too nice, he didn’t win enough, he didn’t strive for success. He took a gift and abused it. Not too mention he was Italian. Maybe it’s all one in the same, I don’t have time to run fucking Ven Diagrams on similarities and differences.

Then there is Cashman. Mr. Cashman how long have we known eachother? Long enough to know that I don’t like when I come into the office to see you with your tassled loafers off and on the floor, and your feet covered in only black socks kicked up on my property, my desk. Act with a sense of urgency. Do you realize that we have precious work to do? There isn’t a second to spare in this business you fucking sideshow act. Roger Clemens is out there right now. Why isn’t he in Yankees camp? You let the Cubs nab Soriano, he should have been knocking down our door to get back in this sweet pussy! You clearly didn’t inherit the hardworking qualities that make the Jews the richest nationality on the planet! And put your shoes back on the feet where they belong, you gradeschool purse snatching faggot! Your sweaty wastes of matter at the bottom of your leg smell like shit and makes me lose my apetite. Everything makes me lose my apetite! See what you’ve all done? I can’t even eat my bagel now! For that, I say fuck your mother.

People must believe because of my heritage, I hate Adolf Hitler. To them I’d say, “you’re dead fucking wrong.” This man was a genius. He understood what winning was all about. Here we have a man that is everything I want to be, minus the facial hair which is not allowed in this company. Hitler was a man, and I am sure that he wouldn’t mind if I called him Adolf, who knew how to captivate a nation. He knew how to run a tight ship, in fact, that mother fucking ship was so air tight that I have my doubts whether or not you could slip a pin into it’s pussy. Why do I compare ships and vaginal areas? Because it’s my fucking party and I’ll do it if I want to. If you aren’t alright with that, see the brush you bum, and fuck your mother. I think Adolf and I could have worked quite well together. He would have been a fine GM. After several successful years in that position, I’d offer him some type of ownership percentage, in which we’d turn this organization into an empire. I know I could of convinced him to stop hating Jews, hell after working with me he’d probably want a ‘Wear your Fucking Yammaka get in free night’ here at ‘The Stadium’. He’d also want Ruth’s plaque removed from Monument Park. Fine by me. I never liked that fat-fuck Italian steamboat pig stealing my thunder anyways.

Business Partners w/ The Boss?

People are upset with the way I’ve treated Joe Torre. People are upset with the way I kicked Don Zimmer out of my bar as if he’d stolen my Grey Goose. Quite frankly it’s not my job to introduce sorrows to those who would be capable of so much more if they could just accept a swift kick in the ass with my boot at the end of it. If I could field a team of 25 Steinbrenners each spring, the World Series would be renamed, “The Steinbrenner”. Some things just aren’t possible. Fuck their mother.

Now, tell Rivera he’ll get nothing but a shit sandwich as long as he is talkin contract, get me the Rocket on the phone NOW! And god-damnit, Pavano–you good for nothing air thief–DISMOUNT ME FROM THIS HORSE! NOW!