Tim Kurkjian from ESPN’s Baseball Tonight dropped by to provide us with some of his unique input and analysis from around the National League. This is part one of a two part series from Tim.
Los Angeles: The Dodgers hold a 3 game lead over the Padres in the NL West, suprisingly a competitive division in the NL circuit. Rafael Furcal got 4 hits in 3 consecutive gamesm this week, becoming the last player in 40 years to accomplish that feat. As I stated on Baseball Tonight, that earns an instant “Kurk-Gem”. You know what else is a gem? I was sitting in the 4th row behind home plate last season and I spotted Nomar’s wife Mia Hamm. I stared at her all game long instead of watching the action on the field. I stared and stared and eventually I got what I wanted, a nipple slip. She leaned down to get some chap stick out of her purse and sure enough, there it was, I caught her like a scout looking for a lefty that throws 90 MPH in the Mexican leagues. Let me just tell you, they’re closer to dimes than silver dollars, but it still made my baby carrot become very stiff while sitting in my seat.
Colorado: It’s the same old story with the NL West basement dwellers. They’ve got a decent lineup but no one can find a way to consistently record outs in that ballpark. Even on the road the staff boasts an ERA of over 5.00, which simply isn’t going to get it done. I can’t decide if Todd Helton looks more like a child molester with the goa-tee or without, but I know that if I went to bars, and he approached me in a bar, I would not stop him from ditching me to grab the attention of the bartender even if I had been waiting for 20 minutes for a drink.
San Diego: I’ve got another Kurk-Gem for you. Jake Peavy. I don’t know how anyone gets a hit off this guy. He became the first pitcher ever to have four straight games in which he struck out 10 or more hitters while not throwing more than 7 innings in a game. He also pitches with a healthy wad of tobacco in his mouth and spits golden brown glistening spit after each pitch. I have never chewed anything but Wrigleys, but Peavy just looks so tough out there with that. He looks like a real man, which I would love if people ever said about me.
Arizona: Doug Melvin is a real fuck head. Several times now, he has shit on me and my request for an interview. One time he agreed to do the interview and just seconds before we were about to go live, on-field, he said that something had came up and I had to improvise. This caused me to be very nervous and excitable, and when that happens I perspire underneath my arm pits. There is deodorant and sweat cakes in the armpit of a brand new Hanes undershirt of mine to prove it. Melvin’s team is very good at reflecting and playing similar to the personality of their manager, and they scream mediocrity at this point–barely above .500 at 22 and 20. Keep it up Diamondbacks, and your skipper will be able to open up a bingo hall with his brother Bob.
San Francisco: What else is there to talk about on this team other than Barry Bonds? Barry got off to a hot start and he was spraying the ball all over the field. He then got into some struggles after he started pulling the ball. Recently I told him while he was taking batting practice that I’d really like to see him start hitting the ball the other way more. He growled back at me and told me he would really like to see me successfully please a woman to the point of orgasm and called me a needle dick. I’ll have you know Barry, that I have in fact been with women, exactly 4 times in my life–two of which I got down to just my silk underwear. If I ever spot your mother with my pervert eyes, I’ll be sure to snatch her up, take her back to my hotel room provided by my great company, and fuck her so hard she calls me ‘Bobby’. At least my dad died of natural causes, asshole. Go eat some more Clydesdale medication, you self-loating piece of shit. Just for that I’m not gonna spend any more time in this segment briefing your team. When you break Hank Aaron’s record, may a nice case of sickle-cell anemia strike down upon you and reap the rewards of revenge that I cannot.
St. Louis: Ok, now for the World Champions who have decided not to defend their title. I recently met Tony La Russa at a
bar nice restaurant to talk about his team. For the entire evening he called me Mike, acknowledging only once that it was not my name, at which time he called me Frank. When I told him once again that my name was “Tim Kurkjian,” and laughed he replied with “Oh fuckit! You’re gonna write the same shit anyways”. Actually, I’m not going to write the ‘same shit’ anyways. You blew it Tony. You had a chance to give me a good story to tell the press about your team, and tell them why you’ve went from World Champions to an over-the-hill bunch of drinkers who can’t hit for shit. Now I’m forced to tell the sad truth and unleash your lies. He then laid his head on the bar and when the bartender came over to ask him if he wanted another drink, he just held up his index finger. When I told him that the organization he was employed by had recently banned alcohol, he jumped up and said “THE MILKY WAY GALAXY’S ASS THEY HAVE!”.
Cincinnati: I’ve always enjoyed trips to this city. It’s a stone’s throw away from Kentucky and every sleazy strip joint with all the black chicks that a man could want. Jerry Narron deserves to be fired, not because of the team’s underachieving ways, but because he is guilty of nepotism. That’s right, Jerry, you’re not fooling anyone. You created a position for your brother Johnny, to be in the dugout on game days and travel on the road to the team and babysit Josh Hamilton to make sure that his nose doesn’t wind up in any trouble, or cocaine 8 balls. Well what is Johnny’s official position called? What’s his role with this company? I call for your head. Oh and by the way, your brother is a for shit babysitter. Josh Hamilton heard Brandon Phillips calling his pet cat “Cokey”, and the next thing you know I saw Hamilton in the clubhouse trying to snort the entire cat.
Houston: Craig Biggio is now just 44 hits away from the historic bench mark of 3000. After that he’ll be shortest man ever enshrined in Cooperstown. This guy makes Eddie Gaedel look like fucking Godzilla. I am a fan of Biggio because he makes me look rugged. Phil Garner strikes me as a guy who would hate-fuck his own wife and bondage her. They don’t call him the scrap-iron for nothing. Hmmmm, other than that, the last time I was in the Crawford
Enron Field Minute-Maid Park, I discreetly and secretly beat my dick in the last row where no one was sitting. A minute later, I waved at Carlos Lee and told him he’s statiscally one of the best hitters of his time.
Milwaukee: Oh wow! Everyone really loves Milwaukee this season. Someone needs to tell Ricky Weeks he’s not a cleanup hitter if they want to continue their success this season. I actually haven’t ventured out to Miller Park yet this season for fear that I would actually be enticed to drink beer. If one more fucking vendor asks me to see some I.D. when it is actually the guy next to me at the ballpark that yelled “I’ll take one cold one,” I’m going totally fucking nuclear on this place. Do I really look that young? Ben Sheets looks exactly like a guy that is the lead role in a porn I own called “Good Cop, Bad Cock”. For that reason I always pay special attention to his starts. I’ve often wondered if left hander Chris Capuano can use both hands to stroke that big cock of his or just his left. He seems like a guy that would be ambidextrous.
Pittsburgh: Despite what David Littlefield will lie and tell you, there is still nothing to be excited about in Pittsburgh. Sure, that Oreo Ian Snell has pitched well at times and they might have found a gem in the rough with him, and they still have Jason Bay and Jose Castillo in the lineup, contenders they are not. Solomon Torres seems to have reached into the fountain of youth as their closer, did you know; and here is another Kurk-Gem for you, that Solomon is 7 for 7 in save chances, in which the game total score ends in an odd number, the game takes place on a monday, wednesday, or a friday, and the attendance can add up to a multiple of between 15 and 25? It’s true, making him the first pitcher this applies to in over 56 years. And they say you can manipulate statistics to represent whatever you want.
Know what else is a Kurk-Gem bit of information? On my desk at work, I sprinkle boogers. After I sprinkle the boogers all over an sheet of white index or notebook paper, I take one of my business cards, preferably one that has been bent that I won’t have to worry about handing to someone. I sweep up all the dried booger particles into a pile, and then I take my index finger and roll those particles into a ball. When I head into the urinal at lunch time or whenever I have to release the hounds, I smear that ‘booger ball’ on the urinal’s sensor, blocking any signal it can get of motion detection thus making it unflushable. By the day’s end there are several booger balls on the urinal sensor, making for quite a job for the lazy ESPN cleaning ladies. Bitches. Still bitter that one of them rejected me for a hand job.
Chicago Cubs: Who the fuck are the Cubs this season? I love the spark that Lou Piniella has brought but they’ve got about as much chance of getting back into this thing in the NL Central as Haray Caray coming back to sing another 7th inning stretch. The only runs they’re going to have are similar to the ones permanently frozen in time on my tighty, whitey underwear. That’s right, I have skid marks on my underwear, every pair. I bleach and I wash, I bleach and I wash and continually the shit stains remain. This has several times been the cause of a woman’s rejection of my affection and them declining to spend the night in my one bedroom condominium in Connecticut. Fuck me. It’s not my fault alright? You fart sometimes and even if it feels like no shit comes out there is still remnants of the son of a bitch. So sue me, I’m fucking human. Like you’re above that you cunt, like you don’t fart. I bet your pussy smells like dog shit anyways. Tell any other woman about this and I swear to God you’re finished in this world. That’s right. I know people.
Florida Marlins: Miguel Cabrera spits more game at more women, I swear. I wish I had the gusto that this young man did. It’s like his words coupled with the Cuervo laden margaritas he so generously purchases for the girls are like instant pantie dropper. Oh yeah and he is a great hitter and all that, bla bla bla. I wonder if he’s even given it up the ass to a dominican broad with D cups? It sure would be nice to have Josh Beckett still in the rotation, but everyone knows he’s gettin’ his dick wet in Boston now. More on that later. Dontrelle Willis has retired 78 of 90 batters that….. aw, fuck the stats. I’ve got an agenda to attend to here. Dontrelle smokes weed, and drinks gin, and then he drives. He does this often.
Atlanta Braves: Chipper Jones is back, with 11 homeruns already. He’s looking like an All-star once again this season. In my book he will always be an All-Star because he has accomplished something that I can only have in my wettest of dreams. He has banged a Hooters waitress and made her his wife. He also chews tobacco and is tough in a John Wayne, Charlton Heston sort of way, which I very much desire to be. Bobby Cox can hold his own when talking liquor and manages games still drunk. He’s not afraid to bump an ump either; getting tossed in 128 games in his liqour induced haze of a career. That’s a Kurk-Gem type stat. One NL umpire once told me that ‘Bobby didn’t really do anything to get thrown out of the game, but his breath smelled so strong of peach schnapps that I just had to throw him out. He actually said fuck it that he wanted to leave anyway after I told him he had been run.’ True story. Atlanta is damn good folks, but they don’t have the firepower of the New York Mets, or the cock girth size.
New York Mets: Jose Reyes has been all world this season. I really love this guy, he hits .340 and has a legitimite chance to be the first guy since Rickey Henderson to steal 100 bases in a season. That is also a Kurk-Gem. It’s no coincidence that Rickey has been spending some time coaching Reyes on when to steal, how to steal, and how to roofie young nubian queens in the Big Apple. Maybe I should talk to Ricky for a while, afterall I always wanted some chocolate to cover this scoop of vanilla ice cream.
Philadelphia Phillies: Charlie Manuel smells like horse manure, and talks like he lives near a field of it. I can’t say enough about the dissapointment of this team. I had them in the World Series before the season started, I take my eyes off them for one second to wipe the dick trickle from my stinger, and wham! Brett Myers is their closer, Ryan Howard is on the DL, and Cole Hamels is smoking weed and drinking booze at a pace that would make John Daly and Ricky Williams’ offspring sick.
Washington Nationals: Does Ron Washington remind any of you of John Holmes if ‘Johnny Wad’ came back as a colored man? I just thought I’d throw that out there. I bet the Nats skipper is right there in cock size. He’s going to be a great manager but it’s going to take time to turn this thing around. I’d really like to stay and build up the youngsters on this team like Ryan Zimmerman, Ryan Church, Austin Kearns and Matt Chico, and tell you lies about how good they’re going to be in a few years but at 1:00 on starz, “Milk Money” starring Melanie Griffith is on, and she’s really a hot little thing. I think that there is an ass shot of her in that. Can you say, Kurk-jian is going to wear out his Tivo this afternoon?
Stay tuned for the AL Wrap-up….