Category Archives: Fantasy Baseball

Gents Live Final I is won by the only absentee Gent

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There was no milk or Diet Mountain Dew showering. There was no pretty ladies or white horses. No one here left with the grand prize in DFS.

In Gents Live I: The Final Frontier, t3bird04 took home first place from his nest/safe haven. He was in first by 8:00 and in bed by 9:00 PM. No other gents could have a say.

It was a low scoring night in Gents, seeing just two reach over the 100-point plateau. It’s worth noting that four gents used Madison Bumgarner against the Padres at Petco which looked like a safe play at 1100 dollars. Of course, any time anything that appears to make sense to the majority appears; you can count on that turning into a burning bag of shit. Madison is the gents game turd because he didn’t top 20 points.

A good time was had by all gents (I think) and we stayed up until the wee hours of the night to watch our hopes be dashed by the likes of stacks fallen short, James Paxton, and Marcus Stroman in our other contest entries.

The yearly standings tightened up a bit with the Family Man of DFS taking home the five point platinum performance, and there’s yet another repositioning of our 3rd and 4th place contestants. Which is basically like; saying you’re one of the best chefs at Wendy’s or Subway. Swindaman remains in the toilet and hopes to climb out by the time he turns 30 on August the 6th.

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 58 points
t3bird04 – 56 points
Diamondhoggers – 44 points
Jsquad34 – 43 points
Swindaman3 – 37 points

Here’s a copy of our winning lineup this week, sponsored by Jiffy Lube and Destination Donuts.

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So what will happen in the Gentleman’s Game this Friday? We will all be safely nestled in the comforts of our own homes, so you can expect higher scores. I predict the median/mean/whatever score will 95.5 but I am only 64% sure of this. I do predict that we bring whores to the gents game, because it has become a badge of honor. It has become etiquette to do as such. I predict that Swindaman3 will take a monstrous dump while he fills out his Gents lineup. I predict that JSquad34 will say his lineup is a loser no later than 3:00 PM. I predict DStars45 comes in one of the top two spots. I predict I either get first or last. I predict t3bird will help his wife make dinner, push his kids on the swings, and still have a very respectable showing despite devoting his time to more meaningful activities.

But these predictions could all go by the wayside. They are just one man’s thoughts on the battlefield of greatness. This greatness is the Gentleman’s game. Only the strong survive. Stay tuned for the announcement of ‘Gents Live II: The Redemption’. We will decide on a venue and a date and go from there.

DStars45 Reclaims First Place in the Gentleman’s Game on the Brink of the Live Final

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We were joined by a special guest of sorts this week, TStarkey; a friend of mine and renegade DFS player whom I used to work with. He had a nice debut showing in the Gentleman’s Game coming in second with 118+ points. He went with a Blue Jays stack. With any luck, he may be invited back to be a part of this Gentleman’s gathering.

DStars45 was back in the saddle and back from vacation, and he took us to the whipping post. He paired Jose Fernandez with Jonathan Gray along with four hitters in double digits; Jose Abreu (14), Roughned Odor (20), Evan Longoria (25), and Tim Anderson (10), to paddle to safety with 144+ points. We’ll call Longoria – who homered and had four hits – the Gentleman’s Game MVP for the week.

Tomorrow is the First Annual ‘Gentleman’s Game Live Final’ where we still play for our usual prize pool but the Gentleman Gather in person to do battle, spit seeds, and drink Mountain Dew.

This week saw little change in our yearly standings in terms of jockeying for position; but rather just a furthering of distance by the top two competitors and the bottom half of our Gents hourglass filling further.

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 56 points
t3bird04 – 51 points
Jsquad34 – 40 points
Diamondhoggers – 40 points
Swindaman3 – 36 points

Here’s a look at the winning lineup, courtest of DStars45:

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So what will happen this week? Will Diamondhoggers order enough clouds at the live final to keep JSquad34 happy? Will his meat be grilled to perfection? Will he make sure that he has the comfiest seat? Will the volume be turned to a level of his liking? Will Swindaman3 christen my new home by pooping in one of my new toilets? Will DStars45 have Diet Mountain Dew poured all over him after midnight to celebrate the first Gentleman’s Game live final win? Will I lose my entire bankroll? I really might. Will The Family Man of DFS (t3bird04) be in bed by 9:00? Will Draftkings ever send me my player usage?

YOU MUST STAY TUNED TO THE GENTLEMANS GAME (sponsored by Trader Joe’s, and Weber Grill) to find out!

Swindaman3 gets his long awaited Gents victory

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I apologize for the delay in this post. With the Fourth of July holiday thrown in there, and seeing Guns N’ Roses in concert live last night, I just didn’t have my usual spare time. Plus, our winner this week automatically meant I had to wait as long as possible to get this post up. Since tomorrow is a new Gentleman’s Friday; a new lease on life, my back is to the wall and the show must ride onward with your weekly update.

While the cat was away, the mice played. With our fearless leader DStars45 out in California on holiday, Swindaman3 saw a golden opportunity to once again be a star performer. If you’ll remember, the Poopmaster himself and DStars45 took things down to the wire in last year’s inaugural Gentleman’s game cup series.

Swindy made the most of his toilet time, selecting Victor Martinez (Gents Game MVP for the week) for 36 points and also Carlos Gomez for 16 more. It was an ugly, low scoring battle for all gents involved, with only Swindaman putting up over 100 points. Three gents failed to get to 90.

Here’s a look at the yearly standings, with JSquad jumping ahead of Diamondhoggers once again and our own t3bird pulling a little closer to DStars45. Swindaman remains in last place but gets closer to the middle of the pack with the five point silver star award.

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 51 points
t3bird04 – 47 points
Jsquad34 – 39 points
Diamondhoggers – 37 points
Swindaman3 – 34 points

We are skipping the weekly shitty players of the year/week. It will be a double whipping post next week because of this. I have a bone to pick with fantasy baseball in general, so be ready for a double shot of negativity in this section next week. I may just rant about the things in fantasy that have gone wrong this year if it inclines me to feel better at the moment. I haven’t decided yet, but it will be a segment you will not want to miss.

Next week also brings about the first “Gentleman’s Game Live Final”. This will be an elegant event. Four gentleman will be gathered for fellowship, and competition. Actually I haven’t told them yet but when they walk through the front door of my home, the door will be padlocked from the outside with a remote code. Only I will know the remote code. On that night, the first night after the All-Star Break, the competitors you know and love from the Gentleman’s game will be competing for their lives. The only code to escape, will be locked in who uses the correct combination of Didi Gregorius’s or Ryan Rua’s. It will go something like this.

Of course, I kid. I love those damn Saw movies. But there should be some fun stories. We are calling Tommy LaSorda if the Dodgers win. There will be a glorious contest and some stories to be told. We will donate some of our paychecks to Draftkings. Recap of everything to come.

As always, here’s a copy of the winning recipe from Swindaman3 last Friday:

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Stay tuned for the next chapter in the saga of the Gentleman’s Game Cup Series, 2016. Which is sponsored by Columbus Online Auctions and AT&T.

Diamondhoggers is the Gentleman’s Game Palindrome

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We mentioned last week that it seemed like Diamondhoggers (us) finished first or last in every Gentleman’s game lately. Since last week was a poor 5th place finish in the contest, this week was due to be a jackpot.

That was only half true, starting on April 25th though, this is what Diamondhoggers’ result has been: Fifth, First, Fifth, Fifth, Fifth, First, Fourth, First, Fifth, and now First. That’s almost remarkable. It’s so weird. I could not finish second or third if my life depended on it.

Friday was a strange night in baseball. Of course we had the Coors slate in play which always serves to fuck things up a fair amount and lose all the money for everyone. It started slow but business picked up there as it always does and rewarded the buttplugs who just stacked that game.

I want to give strong mention to Phil Gosselin for being the worst ever. He was ‘the perfect punt’, hitting clean up at Coors. Three gentleman including me took this bait hook, line and sinker. Of course, in a game where 19 runs were put on the board, Phil Gosselin found a way to zero out. He qualifies as one of the biggest turds in Gentleman’s game history, without a doubt.

No real shakeup in the yearly standings, with things staying close to the same as they have been as we head towards the All Star Break.

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 50 points
t3bird04 – 44 points
Diamondhoggers – 36 points
Jsquad34 – 35 points
Swindaman3 – 29 points

Here is a copy of the winning lineup from Diamondhoggers. The Gents Game MVP was a luckbox play of Shin-soo Choo, who homered off David Price and scored 19 points. Masahiro Tanaka managed not to get blown up on a night when basically no one was safe.

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We’re skipping the fantasy players we would like to seize with a guillotine chokehold this week because we’re just too busy to make the post longer. That means double duty for next week’s column.

Please continue to follow the Gentleman’s Game Cup Series this summer presented by Julie’s Movers and Java Central Coffee Shop of Westerville.

Michael Saunders joins the Gentleman’s Game Hall of Fame Inner Circle

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Up until a few weeks ago, the Gentleman’s Game Hall of Fame was empty. Then Corey Seager homered three times and scored 42 points, and became the first honorary inductee.

It’s a weird thing, because we just can’t allow Franklin Gutierrez into our Hall. It doesn’t feel right. He scored 43 points and was a huge reason t3bird04 pulled past DStars45 later on in the night last Friday.

But Michael Saunders scored 52 friggin’ points! He homered three times and drove in eight. Of course, I was on the receiving end of it in my lone head to head league, too. And any league I have a shot in of course the guy I’m jockeying for position with also had Michael Saunders! Saunders will show up in my nightmares forever, driving in eight with that ‘3 3 8’ line in the box score. Only one gent had the medium-priced Saunders and that was the defending champ DStars45. Saunders owes him because if he was not in play in this Gentleman’s game, no Hall of Fame for Saunders of course.

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Here are the weekly standings, with t3bird and Gutierrez pulling down five points. DStars45 is starting to stretch out a nice lead; and if JSquad34 doesn’t stop leap frogging me and then going underneath me! I am tired of needing to adjust these damn standings. Then again, maybe I should stop either finishing first or last every week.

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 47 points
t3bird04 – 40 points
Jsquad34 – 33 points
Diamondhoggers – 31 points
Swindaman3 – 28 points

It’s now time for the Fantasy Players to Bludgeon. First we’ll do the weekly winners, followed by our yearly turdballs.

  • Maikel Franco (this son of a bitch NEVER does anything in DFS for me, he’s dead to me.)
  • Nelson Cruz (why wouldn’t maximum-priced Cruz do nothing against Eduardo Rodriguez while his tag team partner Gutierrez goes off for 43)
  • Nick Hundley
  • Jean Segura
  • Tommy Joseph
  • Jon Gray
  • Lance McCullers (I dare you to just have a dominant outing)
  • Evan Gattis
  • Ian Desmond
  • Mike Trout (so useless on Friday’s please look it up beginning 2015 he never does anything on a Friday evening).
  • Michael Conforto
  • Shin-soo Choo
  • Neil Walker
  • Nolan Arenado
  • Matt Harvey

And now, for the yearly guys who are sucking up the joint:

  • Byung Ho Park (the one day I miss getting this dreadful lurch into my lineup because I am like; being a dad, he homers. Otherwise he’s not getting a hit. I hate you Park! You hear me?)
  • Chris Davis (please do adderall again or something! SPEED it up!)
  • Yan Gomes
  • Yasmany Grandal
  • Russell Martin
  • All catchers really
  • Bryce Harper
  • Giancarlo Stanton (slowly climbing out of it)
  • Justin Upton (slooooowly climbing out of it)
  • Trevor Rosenthal
  • Michael Brantley
  • JAMES SHIELDS
  • Joey Votto

I know I’m missing some folks but close enough for the girls I go with.

Now here’s a copy of the winning lineup that t3bird04 strung together. Added bonus points for fielding this lineup from his brother’s wedding, and congrats to t3bird brother on embarking on the great journey of marriage. Hopefully you bring your wife each Friday night like your brother, a true gentleman and family man of DFS should you ever venture into a Gentleman’s Game Cocktail party.

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SO…. what’s going to happen next week in the Gentleman’s Game presented by The Mean Bean of Powell Coffee Shop and Gold Bond Powder?

We are quickly approaching the ‘Gentleman’s Game Live Final’ where it is possible all five gents are gathered in one family room to lose all their money in shocking fashion. Our night will be over by 7:20 PM and we will be left to make smores and watching JSquad34 drink his scotch and Swindaman3 make out with a cigar. We might get the beer bong out and see if we can down eight liters of Mountain Dew. We may have some special videos for you or some toilet picks prior to the festivities. The point is, if you’re a big fan of the Gentleman’s Game, you’ve got some big moments coming your way as the drama continues to build into a magnificent crescendo.

It’s not all doom and gloom in the world of DFS! Draftkings and FanDuel will soon merge to become a global superpower and be in cahoots with all the shady politicians in the world. You will be robbed of your referrals and they will roll out fancy incentives that are designed to stick it to the little guy. That said, I am going to come in around 2,000 of 115,000 tonight in a contest! This astonishing event which is as good as a small ant like me could ever do will yield me $10! With the winnings I will buy some Hostess cupcakes and a tin of chew, or maybe some new shoelaces. Definitely shoelaces.

Stay tuned for the next twists and turns in the saga of the Gentleman’s Game. It is like Days of our Lives playing out in DFS form each week, where one gentleman’s life will change forever at season’s end.

The Unbreakable Bond of the Gentleman’s Game Rolls Onward

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Diamondhoggers slipped by the defending champ DStars45 this past Friday night with the help of Clayton Kershaw. DStars45 held a late lead but Kershaw’s win over the San Francisco Giants pulled Diamondhoggers ahead late in the night for good.

The Gentleman’s Game MVP – we can’t just go with Kershaw – has to be Adonis Garcia. Everyone seemed to tout the match-up of Jason Hammel against those rotten Braves however the Braves bats were discounted too heavily; it isn’t like Hammel is a true #1 and Adonis was a semi punt play. He answered the bell with a homer, three knocks and 22 overall points. Coors Field Jon Jay was somewhat useful.

Three of the five gents gathered at Swindaman3’s household. He was nice enough to get off the toilet long enough to deal up some cards and let patrons sample whiskey and scotch at his place.

This date will also live in DFS infamy; as a pricing error on Fanduel made Kike Hernandez $220 dollars, which is where he should be priced more often. It’s almost as if Dave Roberts knew this and threw him in the lineup for funsies against Johnny Cueto where he would go 0’fer.

Kike took it all in stride, even though he clearly didn’t know what the Hell was going on. Kike talk ruled the day on Sirius Fantasy channel. It was great.

Here’s a look at the yearly updated standings, with DStars45 still taking down four points. The other gents are going to have to help out to get us all back in this race:

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 43 points
t3bird04 – 35 points
Diamondhoggers – 30 points
Jsquad34 – 30 points
Swindaman3 – 26 points

Time for Fantasy Players to maim with a blunt object (seasonal first):

  • Justin Upton
  • Giancarlo Stanton
  • Keuchel
  • Bryce Harper
  • Adrian Gonzalez
  • Curtis Granderson
  • Ken Giles
  • Carlos Gomez
  • Yasmany Grandal
  • Every catcher in baseball except like, two or three guys
  • Brian Dozier
  • Minnesota Twins in General
  • Brad Miller
  • Jason Heyward
  • Lance McCullers

Now for the weekly list:

  • Justin Upton (when will I friggin’ learn)
  • Mark Trumbo
  • Manny Machado (same old shit)
  • Yangoervis Solarte (a walk only at Coors)
  • Carlos Ruiz
  • Jason Heyward (Need to add him to the list up top, added)
  • Matt Wieters
  • Nick Castellanos
  • Adam Jones
  • Gerrit Cole (he can probably go on the list up top)
  • Cameron Maybin
  • Brett Wallace
  • Miguel Montero
  • Jason Hammel
  • Lance McCullers (he’s so damn inconsistent)
  • Mike Trout (never does ANYTHING on Friday)
  • Roughned Odor
  • Miguel Cabrera
  • Brian McCann (all-time worst POS in DFS)

Here is a copy of the winning lineup from Friday night:

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We’re not yet halfway home in this contest of greats, so continue to tune in and see who will make their way towards the 2016 Gentleman’s Game Cup Championship. There is a live ‘final’ coming your way in July that will be full of shenanigans. Or a few of us just sitting around drinking Orange soda. But whatever.

Corey Seager becomes the First Inductee into the Gentleman’s Game Hall of Fame

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On Friday evening; it was a very magical and mystical evening of baseball for Corey Seager. We have already talked a bit about it. I had this feeling on my drive home from work, but removed Seager from my gentleman’s game lineup in favor of perpetual turd of wonder, Brad Miller at shortstop. I did however; have Seager in my other four lineups I played.

But one Gent would use the Wunderkind and make it possible for our first Gentleman’s Game Hall of Fame performance. I guess this is kind of like the “Heisman House” commercials you used to see on television during college football season. Right now at the Gents Hall of Fame, it’s just Kid Seager hanging out all by his lonesome waiting for someone else to join him.

I fell asleep after home run number two. Vin Scully is better than Ambien you know? But when I fell asleep, DStars45 was trailling t3bird04 by a pretty decent amount with Drew Pomeranz and Corey Seager in play.

I woke up to the following text from our own t3bird04 on Saturday morning, and I realized what had happened:

No way that Corey makes up 70 pts with two guys to go…. unbelievable…

Of course, the bird sent that text because it did happen. His worst nightmare realized. When you cross the 150 mark in a Gentleman’s game, you should win every time. But it was not meant to be for our winged-friend, though he did finish second and pick up four points.

And with that, Corey Seager was entered into the Gentleman’s Game Hall of Fame with the most incredible Friday night performance we’ve had in this great competition of excellence.

There’s quite a rivalry building behind the scenes in the Gentleman’s Game Cup sponsored by Turkey Hill gas stations and Dodge vehicles.

An inside report indicates that our two leading gentleman have not spoken since April, like an old Jordan/Bird rivalry.

Jsquad34 also did a great job in scoring over 148 points, good for just third.

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Here’s a look at the yearly standings updated:

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 39 points
t3bird04 – 33 points
Jsquad34 – 27 points
Swindaman3 – 25 points
Diamondhoggers – 25 points

And as always a copy of the winning lineup of DStars45:

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Now for our updated list of ‘Fantasy Players to Kill’. The first group listed are the yearly guys:

  • Justin Upton
  • Carlos Gomez (homered today, but off the DL so he’s back
  • Matt Harvey (escapes for now)
  • Chris Davis
  • Yasiel Puig
  • Luke Gregerson
  • Kevin Jepsen (worst closer in history, will never lose his job though)
  • Adrian Gonzalez
  • Kolten Wong
  • Bryce Harper (he’s been Joc Pederson for a month now)
  • Joey Votto
  • Justin Bour
  • Giancarlo Stanton
  • Dallas Keuchel
  • Yasmany Grandal (sits every other game and hits .181ish when he does play)
  • Byung Ho Park (This guy SUUUUUUUUUCKS)
  • Julio Urias (sorry man… you’re here for now)

And now for the weekly assholes:

  • Lonnie Chisenhall (has no business being in a Gents game at all)
  • Justin Upton
  • Bryce Harper
  • Brad Miller
  • Yangorvis Solarte (I’ll spell his name right when he scores 10+ on a Friday for someone)
  • Justin Turner
  • Stanton
  • Curtis Granderson
  • Whit Merrifield
  • Yasmany Grandal
  • Vincent Velasquez (will he ever go five innings in a start AGAIN?)
  • Byung Ho Park
  • Mike Conforto
  • Manny Machado (he truly only homers or has a big game when I neglect him on DFS).

So, we’re at that part in the column when I ask you what will happen next week. And I tell you that you must stay tuned as hard as it may be; to find out.

After this past Friday, I cannot even suggest the remarkable events that may occur in our next Gentleman’s game. Let it be remembered forever that on that magical night of June the 3rd, 2016; in the Gentleman’s Game and Gentleman’s Game only, that the impossible happened.

Josh Donaldson is back in the Gentleman’s Game Good Graces

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I tried something new in the Gentleman’s game this week; choosing to give Coors Field the old ‘F-U’ other than using perennial 5000+ disappointment Buster Posey. I also decided instead of looking at the pricing and player lists on Thursday night when our Gentleman’s Game Ombudsman DStars45 sends out the invite, I was going to do things the old fashioned way and look at and set my lineup just an hour or two before the contest so I stop second guessing anything. Let’s face it, nothing else was working.

And this week, Cactus Jack returned to bring out his trusty trashcan full of junk in this hardcore DFS streetfight.

Continue reading Josh Donaldson is back in the Gentleman’s Game Good Graces

Our own t3bird makes a swift move towards the top in the Gentleman’s Game

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Our own t3bird04 is coming up in the world like a regular Tony Montana. In fact, we have some select footage of the Bird Man a few innings into Friday night’s contest on hand:

Bird was powered by the help of four stars on Friday evening. Aaron Nola, Aaron Sanchez, Chris Hermann, and Miguel Cabrera for some 96+ of Bird’s 118 total points; and three of those four were used by only him. That’s the kind of disparity you’re looking for, and it was good enough to get him into the winner’s circle with five points, firmly entrenched in the number two spot as two gents continue to separate themselves from the group.

The two losing gents; Jsquad34 and myself, had the same bad spot. We brought Amish whore Sonny Gray to the Gentleman’s Friday evening Gala with the thought of enjoying a few cocktails and wistfully looking at artwork; doing nice gentleman things with her. However Sonny; a true turd that no longer deserves to be rostered in any daily, weekly, yearly, or quantum-leap format in fantasy got tuned up by the Yankees in that outhouse of a stadium known as the Oakland Coliseum.

Swindaman3 had a really nice toilet play with Colby Lewis, who frustrated the hapless Houston Astros all evening long and collected him 29.35 points, and some props for using Colby Lewis in the first place. No one looked in that direction.

DStars45 rode the work of Derek Dietrich and Michael Conforto to a solid third place finish, helping keep some distance in between himself and cocaine-mountain flying t3bird.

Let’s get a look at our yearly standings, presented to you by Ted’s Montana Grill and Costco.

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 30 points
t3bird04 – 28 points
Jsquad34 – 22 points
Swindaman3 – 21 points
Diamondhoggers – 18 points

And now, for a list of this week’s ‘Fantasy Players to Kill’. First, the yearly players whom have probably left your roto team with a gunshot wound to the head; and in critical condition. There’s a chance for survival but you will eating from a straw for the rest of your life and your memory is reduced to nursery rhymes you learned in second grade. Your front teeth are also removed if you owned some of these guys.

  • Sonny Gray
  • Justin Upton
  • Jason Heyward (one damn home run, so funny)
  • Matt Harvey
  • Yordano Ventura
  • Prince Fielder
  • Lorenzo Cain
  • All Kansas City Royals outside of Eric Hosmer
  • Troy Tulowitzki
  • Michael Brantley
  • Dallas Keuchel (shave the fucking beard, you doofus)
  • Adam Wainwright
  • Giancarlo Stanton (was just brought to my attention he’s like 0 for his last 20-something)
  • All guys named Carlos; except Rodon is okay this week.
  • Bombshell…. BRYCE HARPER. If you’re not in a league that counts OB%, you are in a world of shit owning Harper lately.
  • Joey Votto
  • Tony Cingrani

And now for the weekly shitheads:

  • Yoenis Cespedes
  • Giancarlo Stanton
  • Sonny Gray
  • Jose Ramirez
  • Anthony Rizzo
  • Marcus Semien
  • Francisco Cervelli
  • Gerrit Cole
  • Daniel Murphy
  • Blake Swihart
  • Houston Astros
  • Marcus Semien

And now, a look at the weekly winner’s lineup card, our own t3bird04. As Swindaman3 pointed out, Miggy is clearly Bird’s wife for this week.

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So, what will happen next week when we gather again? Can I make it three straight last place finishes? Will we have a new leader atop the standings? Can all five gents avoid a pitcher in the negative for the first time all year long? Will the bacon wrapped appetizers make all of our whores sick by the time the 10:00 games start? Will my wife tell me to go to bed early because we have to wake up early on Saturday morning and go to the zoo? Probably. But you must stay tuned because the answers are still unwritten….. in the Gentleman’s Cup Series 2016.

Junior Guerra is the whore we have been looking for in the Gentleman’s Game

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DStars45 won with dignity and class this past Friday night. It is he who braved the dangerous waters and made an offering to the biggest whore on the board on any Friday night this year, $4,000 Junior Guerra.

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Guerra did indeed put out to the tune of 23.1 DraftKings points, throwing six innings of shutout ball against the shit Padres and combined forces with Chris Sale, Joe Panik, and Bryce Harper to give DStars the win and five more points on his yearly lead that is quickly starting to slip away from the rest of us.

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 27 points
t3bird04 – 23 points
Jsquad34 – 20 points
Swindaman3 – 18 points
Diamondhoggers – 17 points

Rather than bogging down the column with “My lineup scored 41 points and almost topped Swindy’s toilet lineup from a few weeks ago by becoming the lowest scoring gents lineup of all-time” we will pivot and go in a different direction with today’s column.

Each week, we will make a short list of “Fantasy Players to Kill”. These are the guys who are absolutely destroying you in your yearly leagues, or that guy we pony up $5,000 for each Friday on Draftkings only to skunk us with zero points. Coors Field Yoenis Cespedes can certainly suck a big one. Here’s the list for right now:

  • Dallas Keuchel
  • Sonny Gray
  • Kevin Jepsen (really not fair to put him here because if you’re rostering Jepsen, you are the one who deserves to be killed).
  • Justin Upton
  • Paul Goldschmidt (owners are freaking out, he’s going to be okay he’s just not been all-world yet)
  • Delino DeShields Jr. (totally worthless, sent down, he escapes the list next week)
  • Carlos Gomez
  • Carlos Rodon
  • Carlos Santana
  • Carlos Martinez
  • Any fuckin’ guy whose parents even though about naming him Carlos
  • Randall Grichuk
  • Jose Berrios
  • David Peralta (his homers have come against Jose Fernandez, a lefty, and yeah he had one when I had him in the lineup. He’s now hurt and on the DL after the DBacks said he wouldn’t go on the DL for the last three weeks).
  • Albert Pujols
  • Matt Harvey, see below

Now for the DFS fuck-sticks du’jour:

  • Josh Donaldson (homers against lefties like a golden rule when I don’t use him in DFS; when I do an pay a million dollars for the rights to use him he gets a zero, against a lefty).
  • Mike Trout (probably wants to be elsewhere on a Friday night, never hits or does much on Friday evenings, cost a zillion dollars, he’s never seemed so boring to own in seasonal).
  • Justin Upton (could easily list him in any discussion where being poor at baseball is discussed)
  • Jake Odirizzi (only ended up here because he ruined my night 15 minutes into Friday evening, the A’s too…. really?)
  • Prince Fielder
  • Michael Wacha (maybe the most boring pitcher in baseball)
  • Joey Votto
  • Matt Harvey (nice to see him here too because I’ve often wondered if there’s a bigger POS in all of baseball. F Matt Harvey in his Dark Knight pants and all his owners who acted like he was the second coming of Tom Seaver in any trade negotiation in March).

Alright, that about clears things up for this week. Let’s take a look at DStars45’s winning lineup, which he was nice enough to file from his relaxing vacation condominium in the Florida panhandle. He gets brownie points in my book for using Catcher/Punt Play Tommy Joseph who was once the lead drummer for Skid Row:

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So……….. what will happen when we show up to the cocktail party next week?

Which players will be noticed for their incompetence at what they’re paid handsomely to do? Can any whore lift her skirt higher for a cheaper price than Junior Guerra? It’s becoming a very cool thing to do to find the best whore each Friday night; while t3bird04 continues to do the smart thing and bring his wife, Chris Sale. And don’t forget, Poop Meteorolgist Swindaman3; master of the morning toilet lineup, is now doing battle with ME for the futility spot in the DFS Gentleman’s Game standings. Which one of us can succeed in building a 19 point lineup? I looked like I had a great shot until Joe Panik got going.

As always, you must stay tuned in to find out. It is the Gentleman’s Game which is the highest honor in DFS. It is not for the weak at heart or mind.

t3bird is once again steady and dependable in the Gentleman’s Game

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Four Gentleman had a big opportunity to gain ground on the leader and defending champion, DStars45; while he was on vacation. Only one Gent truly took advantage and that is the unheralded t3bird04.

“The Family Man of DFS” as he is affectionately known as within the industry put up an impressive 129.4 points on Friday night to take home the grand prize and the five points in the standings.

You see, while we are all running around wondering about which whores we will bring to the luxurious Friday night event every week, the bird man simply does the right thing and brings his wife. It is fitting that on this mother’s day weekend, he can boast to mama and wife while we all tuck our tails and try to think of a better way to succeed against his advanced mind.

Bird has Zach Greinke to thank for his big win, along with Joey Votto, David Peralta, Roughned Odor, and ALEX FRIGGIN PRESLEY! Nice play on Presley.

I was the only other gent to use Greinke; but I paired him with the turd of the week, Taijuan Walker. More on that later.

Three gentleman used Noah Syndergaard, and for his price tag the 14.7 points he brought home was not rewarding. Except for our own t3bird that is.

Here’s a look at where the standings sit heading into the teeth of May.

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 22 points
t3bird04 – 20 points
Swindaman3 – 17 points
Diamondhoggers – 16 points
Jsquad34 – 16 points

And here’s a look at t3bird’s lineup for Friday night:

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I had to include this little exchange on our GroupMe chat. We began talking about Taijuan Walker leaving the game after just two innings in Houston. Aw, isn’t that cute? He wasn’t feeling quite right but no worries, he’ll be out there for his next start when we can’t use him to throw eight strong innings.

But the real gold in this exchange is JSquad34’s rundown on DFS in general. It is truly, just the worst. I will only continue playing for this great honor of going to battle against these four gents. And for this article.

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So what will happen next week? Will t3bird04 and his wife leave the event early for a safe night in while the other four gents chasing their whores around the Gentleman’s Game Mansion? Will I find a way to again score 55 measly points? There will be one gent alone in last next week…. what will his name be? I wouldn’t want to be that gent, but the reality is I very well could be.

You must stay tuned to find out.

Diamondhoggers wins their first Gentleman Cup Series Game of the Year

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You knew it was only a matter of time….. if you were bat shit crazy that is.

The founding father of The Gentleman’s Game finally put the weekly title back in Tinsel Town, sneaking by the defending champion DStars45 with the help of King Felix Hernandez and his old teammate Ichiro Suzuki. Suzuki led off and was only owned by the winning gent, so for the low price of 2500 he provided quite the surplus of points for what he cost.

The Gentleman’s game MVP was Juan Nicasio; surprisingly popular and rolled out by three of the five players against the lowly Cincinnati Reds. He delivered in racking up 33.35 points and keyed the week for Diamondhoggers.

We now have a two way tie for second place, with the man in first putting a little distance between him and the other four contestants. We have some work to do.

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 20 points
t3bird04 – 15 points
Diamondhoggers – 15 points
Swindaman3 – 14 points
Jsquad34 – 12 points

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Short write up this week, because I’m watching a WWE pay per view (like that’s a good excuse) and because it was a long weekend. We will be back with more shenanigans next weekend.

Every day should be Friday thanks to the Gentleman’s Cup Series. We have a long summer ahead of us, sure to make many whacky twists and turns.

The Gentleman’s Game Welcomes it’s Mayor for an evening

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Notice anything new about the scores? This past Friday we welcomed in our first celebrity guest to the Gentleman’s Cup Game – Fantasy Alarm and Sirius Radio’s Jeff Mans. If you listen to him on the drive home during the week, and you like daily fantasy and you’re a baseball guy; you probably like him. He’s a speaker of the truth, a real beacon in this dark world and we were pleased to have him as guest in our contest of sharks.  He even followed etiquette by bringing a well-dressed whore to the event! Gio Gonzalez, come on down! I like it. I like it a lot. The only gent who brought Gio as a date on Friday night was Mr. Mans, and it was a good enough move to get him into fourth, leaving two embarrassed gents with their pants down at nights end.

Continue reading The Gentleman’s Game Welcomes it’s Mayor for an evening

Swindaman3 Takes down the Week Three Gentleman’s Game

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I have to apologize as this post usually comes on a Saturday, but Swindaman3 won this week; and as is customary I will never wake up the morning after losing to one of his lineups he set on the toilet at his work and voluntarily waste my 30 minutes of leisure time to write about his big triumphant victory.

The fact of the matter is – Swindaman won the week three Gentleman’s game with a fine score of 136.05, and he didn’t even use Chris Sale. In fact, the fun fact of the Gentleman’s game this week is that the top two Gents did not use Sale and his 46+ points in his hometown area of Tampa. Swindaman3 rolled with Jake Odorizzi, who only decided to throw decently because I left him on my bench in my yearly leagues. The ‘swing’ move of the week and Gentleman’s game MVP was Matty Holliday. He homered twice against the Reds and tallied 36 points. In a stroke of economist brilliance, Swindaman3 was the only gent to roll out The Undertaker Matt Holliday in this week’s gentleman’s duel.

He also had Josh Harrison for some reason; who lucked his way into 16 points. Jason Castro was a great punt play as he stole a bag and had 11 valuable points. Surplus value for my man Swindaman3 here on his way to the huge cash prize for the week and the full FIVE points!

Our champion and current standings leader DStars45 got 37 huge points from that little Kike Hernandez to pull him into second later in the night. He now holds a commanding lead in the yearly standings.

Yearly Standings:
DStars45 – 13 points
t3bird04 – 9 points
Diamondhoggers – 8 points
Swindaman3 – 8 points
Jsquad34 – 7 points

I want to note that I got 46+ and 28+ from my two pitchers; Sale and Joe Ross. Then Carlos Correa and Mike Trout gave me two points a piece, and Craig Gentry, Buster Posey, and Ryan Goins all zeroed on the night. This is complete horse shit, and these men have now been blacklisted from my future Gentleman’s Game Cocktail Party Guests Lists.

Here is a look at whom Swindaman3 invited in route to the victory:
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A few notes on this week’s gentleman’s game:

  • In a cunning move of bravery, JSquad34 rolled out three Giants against Clayton Kershaw: Posey, Matt Duffy, and Hunter Pence. It didn’t work out .
  • Our own t3bird got zeroes from Emannuel Burris (who was not a prophet on this night), Francisco Cervelli, Stephen Piscotty, and Coco Crisp. Like a bad bug at the office, there were a lot of the zero-flu flying around Friday evening.
  • The only gent to use Bryce Harper on his homer binge was DStars45, and he tallied 24 points.

Next week will be a very important week for us Gentleman. We must collectively pull together to overthrow the runaway rebel force that is DStars45. This has gone on long enough. We need to do well enough that he gets a measly one or two in points, and we all need to get back in this. We must phone his wife and ask her to secretly steal his phone at their Friday evening dinner and enter the likes of Chris Collabello and Danny Espinosa, with bonus points going to her if they are not in the lineup! We must hope this man loses his mind, and we reap all the benefits!

So………. what will happen next week?

Will Swindaman3 defeat all with a lineup he creates in four minutes while on the shitter? Will JSquad34 dig way down deep to crawl out of the Gentleman’s Game basement? Will Diamondhoggers roll out two of the finest hitters in the game again and render them helpless like only he can do with any player? Hell, I’ve ruined Paul Goldschmidt so far! Which pitching whore will be cordially invited for the first time to the cocktail party? Can we reach Mrs. DStars45 in the coming week to get her help to poison the righteous king? It may be our only hope.

You must tune in next week to find out, as we continue to write the monumental saga of the Gentleman’s Cup Series presented by Thornton’s Gas Station and our other sponsor, Cane’s Fried Chicken. Eat at Cane’s, and make sure you get the toast with your meal!

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