I tried something new in the Gentleman’s game this week; choosing to give Coors Field the old ‘F-U’ other than using perennial 5000+ disappointment Buster Posey. I also decided instead of looking at the pricing and player lists on Thursday night when our Gentleman’s Game Ombudsman DStars45 sends out the invite, I was going to do things the old fashioned way and look at and set my lineup just an hour or two before the contest so I stop second guessing anything. Let’s face it, nothing else was working.
And this week, Cactus Jack returned to bring out his trusty trashcan full of junk in this hardcore DFS streetfight.
Somehow, every player Diamondhoggers used was the only invite that player received to the elegant Gentleman’s cocktail party. Josh Donaldson was finally exceptional against the likes of whore Joe Kelly. Melky Cabrera hit a grand slam. Jacob deGrom was far too cheap for his upside in his own home park. A few things worked that should have worked (finally), but lets be honest here: in DFS the things that should work almost never work. So I sprinkled in some aforementioned trash like Ichiro Suzuki who is cheap and almost never zeroes, Whit “Stump” Merrifield who has no business being anyone’s DFS first basemen ever; just a garbage ass play, and Melky Cabrera seems to murder the Royals and he hit a grand slam. King Felix at home against the Twins was a total bust, of course. Just to remind us that up is down and down is up in this twisted world of DFS.
This week’s results did not do much to change the yearly standings. In fact there was no movement other than JSquad34 and Swindaman3 moving into a toilet-tie for third place. DStars45 put a bit of a gap between himself and our own t3bird04 by getting second place and t3bird finishing an uncharacteristic last. We excused him earlier from the gents Memorial Day bash because he was heading south for the holiday (with his wife). If you looked at t3bird’s lineup, he mostly brought his wife to this week’s cocktail party and they did not deliver. I was proud of him for bringing a whore like Chris Carter as his first basemen but like most whores do to you; they burn you. Carter zeroed and Mike Fiers who you couldn’t trust as far as you can spit got the Bird Man -9.75.
Here’s a look at the yearly Gents standings.
DStars45 – 34 points
t3bird04 – 29 points
Jsquad34 – 24 points
Swindaman3 – 24 points
Diamondhoggers – 23 points
Before we get a look at the weekly winning lineup presented by Wal-Mart and Mountain Dew, we must list our weekly “Fantasy Players to Kill”.
First, to honor tradition; the yearly league shitheads:
- Justin Upton (you’re not going anywhere, pal)
Jason Heyward (Disabled list, hurts when he swings) Sonny Gray (Disabled list, yeah right, erectile dysfunction)
- Prince Fielder
- Matt Harvey (at least he’s not hiding on the DL like these other pussies)
- Dallas Keuchel (I will hold you all year on my bench, you will never again see the light of day you bearded dickhead)
- Byung-Ho Park
- Brian Dozier (if you have him, please cut him today).
- Yasiel Puig (I love you man, but I’m sorry; you’re here for now).
- Giancarlo Stanton (oh, now his side hurts. My self-esteem hurts for all those years I believed he was a 50-homer talent).
Carlos Gomez (DL’d for sucking)
- Carlos Santana (He’s just so awful to own, honestly).
- Carlos Correa (hitting .200 over the last month, looks like shit on meaty pitches)
- Yan Gomes (this isn’t really fair, because all catchers are awful)
- Corey Dickerson
- Michael Pineda
- Patrick Corbin
- Billy Hamilton (Never hits of course, but not even really stealing bases)
And now for the weekly DFS players who shit the bed with cunning regularity:
- King Felix (What the Hell was that?)
- Jordy Mercer
- Devon Travis
- Wellington Castillo
- Nelson Cruz
- Adam Conley (three Gents fell for this trick, and almost a fourth)
- Paul Goldschmidt (so what else is new)
- Robbie Ray
- Eugenino Suarez
- Rickie Weeks (this is the only place he could ever be isn’t it)
- Jose Altuve
- Brian McCann (maybe the biggest loser in the history of me playing DFS. I hate this guy.)
- Julio Urias
- Mookie Betts
- Jurickson Profar!
- Edwin Encarnacion
- Salvador Perez (another guy who will only homer when you don’t use him)
- Mike Fiers
- Chris Carter
Alright, that about covers it for this week. Here’s a copy of the winning lineup from Diamondhoggers:
So what’s going to happen next week? Can Diamondhoggers finally climb out of the basement in the standings? Will they win a second straight week so we can get this post on a Saturday? Will our own t3bird04 return from the South with a Southern Bride to return him to the pinnacle of gentleman’s game glory? Can anyone stop the dominant run DStars45 is on? Will Jsquad34 get one more Friday to bring his prized whore Jurickson Profar as a date? Will Swindaman3’s lineup (and bowells) roll in at 8:30 AM or 8:40 AM Friday morning? Will Draftkings ever add more single-entry tournaments to make it an experience I actually enjoy? You must take hold of your overwhelming suspense and tune in next week to find out.