In Honor of Chris Carpenter’s Presumptive Retirement

Chris Carpenter is done. Finuto. That arm is about as sturdy as a hang-nail right now.

The Cardinals held a press conference today to address the Canadian pitcher’s future in baseball, and what came out of it was that he’s suffering from zingers and numbness in the shoulders and neck. That’s a real shame.

I don’t mean to be a dick, but I’m not going to miss the guy. He’s 14-5 with a 2.55 career ERA against my Cincinnati Reds. He’s replaced Roy Oswalt as the puzzle the Redlegs can never solve before they run out of outs. It’s just never any fun at the old yard when you buy a ticket and this guy is warming up on the mound.

At the very least please sit back and enjoy yourself when some poor sucker who didn’t prepare for your fantasy baseball draft takes Carpenter off the board in the later rounds because he can’t resist. Carpenter won’t pitch in 2013 and we have a hunch that he’s already thinking about sipping ice cold Labatts Blue on a Canadian porch somewhere for the rest of time. We just hope he can find a way to explain to his son about Scott Rolen “attacking him” in 2010.