Pronk Hafner Lives

I just want to point out one thing to all you Indians fans who are all over Travis Hafner this morning and to all my friends who are having to remind themselves through this love-affair this morning and on into this afternoon to stop day dreaming about Pronk and his walk-off grand slam in last night’s 5-4 win in order to complete their workday:

You ALL thought this guy was done and wouldn’t have given in a mop job before this season. Every last one of you crybaby Huey Cleveland fans. I was there on Opening Day and I heard the guys in right field, one after the other calling for the torture rack for Hafner.

Cleveland Fans I can definitely have some sympathy for, but there is no bigger group of self-loathing, pity-loving crybaby shitheads than you all. I hope the Indians take down the division, but it doesn’t mean any of you babies deserve it. You hated this fucking guy just weeks ago. Now it’s a party.

I’ve got witnesses by the plenty who I told after seeing Hafner turn on some balls on Opening Day that this guy was back. And the all-knowing Cleveland fan base (including my all-knowing Uncle Frank) told me I was nuts.

Look at the slash line (.347/.428/.567), and suck it. Go back to crybabying about Lebron leaving town because you’re much better at it than knowing baseball, Cleveland Fan. Go back and debate Tim Couch v. Kelly Holcomb or Brady Quinn v. Derek Anderson some more because you guys now dick about the sport of baseball and plenty about drawing empty conclusions.

In honor of Pronk Hafner being officially healthy and back, here’s something a friend and I penned back so many years ago. We like to call it ‘A Day in the Life of Pronk’:

-Wake up and punch a hole in his bedroom wall
-Eats Joel Skinner’s children for breakfast
-Watches the Weather Channel
-Drives his Harley down the sidewalks of Cleveland to the stadium
-Punches Mark Shapiro in the dick for looking like a homo
-Takes exactly four pitches for batting practice, all four he hits into the mezzanine
-Drinks sixteen beers pregame
-Dominates the opposition and scares babies
-Postgame has his pitbull chase Casey Blake around the locker room
-Orders dinner via roomservice, but becomes disgruntled that “Infant brains” aren’t on the menu
-Drives his Harley through a pack of girl scouts and into a brick wall, then gets up and walks into a bar
-Throws game at only black women, naturally he bags a few in the mens bathroom
-Goes home and sleeps face down on a bed of Playboys from the 1970′s

There. Now he’s back. Even I was afraid I would never be able to reference this artistic beauty again.