Chicago Cubs 2011 Season Preview

Leading up to the start of the 2011 Regular Season, Diamond Hoggers will preview each of MLB’s 30 teams . Today’s preview features the Chicago Cubs. Stay tuned as Diamond Hoggers previews every team division by division until the start of the regular season.

This year’s Chicago Cubs preview might not be as lively as (and it certainly won’t be as true) as the one we did last year. But sure enough, there’s always more when talking about the Cubs. More what you ask? More of this.

Did you know that the average concert-goer rates Wrigley Field a 5/5 for seeing a live concert event? The historical, sacred grounds were practically built for smoking jeeba.

If Cubs fans or patrons of Chicago are honest, they know what we’re talking about when we tell you that the average Cub fan ‘has tried it’. For instance, the Chicago Tribune actually had an article last year talking about 420, in case anyone in that city didn’t have it marked on their calendar days in advance.

Take this message board archive for instance. User ‘Last Exit’ describes his favorite time to light up in a thread titled “Your favorite time to smoke overall?”

Getting stoned after work is also great. Unfortunately, although I still do it, I don’t necessarily like getting stoned when drunk as fuck at 1 am. Pothead narccalepsi kicks my ass.

EDIT: Also, watching baseball, preferably live, while high is great shit. Every little intracy, from a dude breaking up a double play on a high slide at second base, or Josh Beckett blowing a 95 mph heater past Sammy Sosa at Wrigley Field, seems like the greatest play in sporting history. I highly reccomend bring small roaches into ballparks like Comiskey in Chicago that have lots of empty upper deck seats. As long as you can stay at least six rows above the last fans and keep a low profile to keep away from ushers, toking at a live baseball game can be the shit. Unless, it’s windy as fuck, then you’re going to be cold and miserable. Translation: no getting high in chicago at baseball games in mid-April.

I would love to introduce ‘Last Exit’ to some friends of mine. Their names are correct spelling, capital letter, and punctuation mark. Jeezo.

And how about this from Timeout Chicago.

The myth: Cannabis sativa (i.e., killer bud) grows in the Wrigley Field bleachers. Before the bleachers became a massive outdoor frat party, Cubs fans used to numb the pain of watching their mediocre team with a little smoky-smoke. When they were done, they threw their roaches in the bushes behind centerfield, where the seeds took root.
Our verdict: False. A drug expert insists it’s entirely possible: “There’s no doubt the seed can stay viable, and even last through the Chicago winter,” says Allen St. Pierre, executive director of the Washington, D.C.-based National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws. “Botanically speaking, marijuana could certainly grow under such circumstances.” We can’t get firsthand confirmation, since the team’s flaccid 2005 performance means there’s no World Series being played at Wrigley Field. “We might get a few weeds out there, but no marijuana,” says party-pooper Roger Baird, the head groundskeeper at Wrigley. “I’m not sure what it looks like, but from what I’ve seen on TV, no, there’s no marijuana there.” If you’re looking to augment your experience in the bleachers at Wrigley, you’ll have to bring your own (at your own risk, of course).—
Joel Reese

You probably thought we were kidding about the whole thing back so long ago. You know, us saying that being a Cubs fan usually has the prerequisite of loving Mary Jane. But we weren’t. Cubbies fans, especially the casual ones who love the Wrigleyville atmosphere and can’t name 5 guys likely to show up in tomorrow’s box score. They’ll have their sweat worn Cubbies hat–and it won’t be a fitted version but one with a strap. They’ll wear some type of sandal year-round. And they’ll puff the magic dragon, I guarantee it.

So today’s preview is not so much about the Cubs this year but more their stoner fans who think that they have a right to entitlement to greatness because they haven’t won in so long. And I’m sorry about that if you were expecting a breakdown of their acquisitions of Matt Garza and Carlos Pena (they’ve definitely tried it, by the way). I might have mislead you with the picture of shortstop Starlin Castro. And I’m sorry for that too. But if you’ve read this far, you’re already here for the duration of the preview. So light one up, renew your subscription to High Times, or read up on on the next time Dave is coming Wrigley, because I’m not done yet. Maybe a few hits will help you Cubbies fans focus better, eh?

And it’s not just the fans. The stoner nation has bled into the Cubs roster too. Take bullpen catcher (now former) Corey Miller for example. He got busted for smoking pot at the end of last season. And he didn’t just have a one-hitter packed. He had 8.4 POUNDS! That’s enough to get him and Ryan Dempster high 18 times and then puff, puff, pass it to everyone out in the bleachers and still have enough to light Geovany Soto good after a solid nine.

And the evidence is everywhere. It’s almost low hanging fruit at this point. Don’t get hungry Cubbie fans. You know as well as I do that Doritos are a much better munchies item.

Another message board gem. This one from These crazy cats are talking about cross-pollinating weed. And then user ‘winstonwolf’ has to take a (somewhat) intelligent discussion and make it about his Cubbies. That’s right. His Cubbies, his weed, his machinations about watching baseball and being a big time stoner. Behold:

What do you think about cross breeding with ivy, then covering the outfield wall at Wrigley Field with herb?

What I think–‘Winstonwolf’–spelled in lowercase, is that you should take up another hobby such as Frisbee-disk golf or possibly buy a new Alien Workshop skateboard and work on your rail grinds. Because the sport of baseball just might not be for you.

Still not enough evidence? Okay. Check out yet another message board. This one has a thread titles ‘The Marijuana Smoker’s Thread’. We’ll give you a few snippets just from the page we directed to, and it starts off with a bang.

Stoner 1: How many stoners in here doing Wrigley? I’ll be at n2, hoping the molly connect comes through for my buddy and I!

Stoner 2: I live at home because I’m an idiot and screwed up at school. There is no way of meeting chicks here at home. Everyone I know here I went to high school with, and that’s about all this town has to offer. Sucks. That’s why I get high.

Stoner 3: yeah I know how that goes as well. I have a bunch of friends who stayed home or either dropped out… they all work at applebees and hang out with nasty 16 yr old HS chicks… and they smoke hella blunts of mids.

Stoner 4: Yeah, I’m not like that. I work two jobs to pay the loans I took out, and refuse to chill with high school chicks. I’m fuckin’ 23. And mids…. I mean, seriously? If I’m gonna smoke, at least make it worth the effort. Mids would literally just give me a headache. Dude from craigslist just came to my house. Old and black and looked like Jerry Manuel. Weird.

What is it with these guys? It’s almost too easy. We’ll stop now.

So if you want to know the bottom line, you guys are a fourth place team again this year. So do the usual ritual. Meet your buddy who looks like Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont at the Harry Caray statue for a few hits of dank before you head in two innings late. Skip work, or school, or whatever it is that you should be doing and go drink a few afternoon brews and wash it down with gravity bong hits after the Cubs lose on a Soriano dropped fly ball in the 11th.

You see, this is what makes Cubbie fans wonderful. This is why we love you. You’re amusing to us. You are a mystical, magical wonder. Just as much a part of this great game that we all love as the red stitches that keep the round ball together. You are stoners. You are Cubs fans. This spring, you unite again. Just don’t bring your roach clips to our stadium alright, Half Baked?