Marty Brennaman visits Sigfried & Roy!

Sigfried & Roy are performing on a sunny February day in front of a sold out crowd at The Mirage Casino in Las Vegas. All is going to plan until the Marty stops by.

Roy Horn: Come, Tiger. Jump tru’ ze hoop and make-da crowd go vild.

Sigfried Fischbacher: (holding burning hoop of fire) Come now Montecore! Bring tru ze hoop. Come Montecore! Yah! Yah!

(Montecore the tiger jumps through the burning hoop of fire)

(Crowd explodes in cheer)

Mirage Public Address Announcer: Amazing! I’ve never seen anything like this in my whole life. After decades of amazement, I’ve never seen such illusion! Such magic! Such inspiring works of spirit all coming together in a flowing work of the arts! Sigfried & Roy are still at their best ladies and gentleman!

(Doorbell rings)

Marty Brennaman: (with mic in hand) Youuuuuu Queers!

Sigfried: How dare! You come into ze’ show and insult me and my partner like tis?

Brennaman: The owner of this establishment must be queer for tiger acts, because he sure as Hell isn’t building any baseball field!

Roy: Ya, who is zhe? You no like de’ Montecore zi Tiger? Zis no reason to insult our sexual preferences.

Brennaman: Oh ya, ya. Whatever. Just keep your AIDS away from me, pal. You think you can come in here with your tigers and lions act and we’re just supposed to forget? You think a little bit of pizazz on display with an animal can overshadow the fact that you’re just a couple of butt plug pirates? Well not me, good sir. You’re Queer! Both of you!

(crowd begins to boo)

Brennaman: (turning up the volume, getting louder) In regards to this place that employs you: I don’t think it has great ownership, I don’t think it has great casino expertise in its front office, and is strapped for finances, which is probably the single biggest problem. I feel bad for everyone who has to stay here. The Mirage is one of the fine ballparks in all of Las Vegas.

Sigfried: Zi Tigers?

Brennaman: Last time I brought my wife here with me she lost a good portion of my retirement to those fucking drains without plugs you guys call quarter slot machines. I come out here for good golf and some relaxation–and the bitch loses roughly half of what I have worked my entire life to accumulate. RIGGED! You hear me? And quite frankly; those slot machines I know for a fact are rigged so that they can pay a couple of Queers salaries. And that I don’t stand for.

Roy: Get him out of zhere at once!

Brennaman: Oh I’m not going anywhere pal, I’m just getting warmed up in fact. We’ve got a lot more to cover.

(Security guard charges and, dives over top of a ducking Brennaman, trips and falls)

Brennaman: I’m not a big Bellagio fan, because I’m not a big Steve Wynn fan. I refer to him as ‘Mr. Casino’ on the radio, because he acts like he invented gambling.

Sigfried: You’re an awful, terrible old man sir! You have interrupt zi show and wasted zi performance for all zese fine people!

Brennaman: Oh I’m awful? You know what Sigmund? You’re awful. And quite frankly you’re over-weight. You don’t do the little things it takes to win. You and that boyfriend of yours are a lot like a couple of guys that I am familiar with. You’re the entertainment version of Adam Dunn and Roy is like Jay Bruce. You simply cannot do the little things right no matter how much gloss and pretty hype you have when the bright lights go on! You’re worthless to an organization!

(Injured security officer calls for back up to bring down the old man)

Brennaman: Oh and something else. Treasure Island will never be a factor in Vegas because, no matter how much they add to their casino, at the end of the day, they’ve got ‘Treasure Island’ across the front of their uniform. That’s the reason why they won’t win.

(Second security officer enters theater, warns Brennaman to stop at once or he will take action)

Brennaman: I’m not gonna stop. I’m not gonna stop now or ever. So you just go ahead and do what you have to do. I’m a truth teller. That’s the problem with you people–aside from supporting queers you just can’t handle a truth teller who refuses to be filtered!

Roy: Someone, quick! Please do zomething. I cannot hold zi Tiger much longer he is getting roused from all zi commotion!

(Montecore the Tiger breaks loose from Roy’s grip)

Brennaman: Oh, someone doesn’t like the truth? Well I’m not finished yet. I haven’t even gotten a chance to talk about Drew Stubbs. And you’re going to hear a lot about Drew Stubbs from me because quite frankly; he is everything that a guy like Adam Dunn and Jay Bruce is not!

Sigfried: Mister, please! Montecore is angry! You must stop or your safety is in grave danger!

Montecore: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR! (breathing fire)

Brennaman: You think that I’m going to listen to a card carrying member of the pink team like you? Not a chance, pal. You’ve got a long way to go to even have half of the credentials of me. Now as I was saying about Stubbs, this kid can do it all.

(security guard begins to fire his pistol at Brennaman)

Brennaman: (taking cover behind a speaker) He’s the fastest player in the league, he can run down the ball in center field with about as good as it gets in our league, and, he had 22 home runs last year and—

(Montecore pounces on Brennaman, knocking the old man how with one rip of his giant claw)

Roy: Good boy, Montecore. Come to Pa Pa.

Sigfried: Zat will teach a man to insult ze homosexuality of another!

(Sigfried & Roy bow to a large applause by the crowd to signal the end of the show)