Leading up to the start of the 2010 Regular Season, Diamond Hoggers will preview each of MLB’s 30 teams. Today’s team is the Philadelphia Phillies. Stay tuned as Diamond Hoggers will preview every team division by division until the start of the regular season.
You know what, I’ve been putting off this Phillies Preview long enough. You know why I’ve been putting it off? Because I hate the Phillies and I don’t want to write about them and give their obnoxious, shit-head fans anything else to feel good about.
What we’re going to do today is dish on some Phillies fans!
They went out and got Roy Halladay. Okay, that’s great. The usual suspects. Utley, Ryan Howard, Jayson Werth is actually a player now; and of course don’t forget Victorino and Rollins. They’ll fuck you up, okay? Good team on the field. Obvious pick to win the NL East yet again. Hope the Braves can unseat them in Bobby Cox’s last year.
We’re not gonna go for the low-hanging fruit. That’s right, everyone knows they’ve thrown shit at Santa Claus. But really all that Phillies fans are is a bunch of bandwagoning sumbitches.
They didn’t give a rats ass about the Phillies until that team started winning. It was all about Veterans Stadium, Iverson, and Eric Lindros. Could have given two shits about the Phils when Von Hayes was suiting up.
Hey! And now that they’re winning again look who’s back! Philly fan!
The last seven seasons and eight out of the last nine, the Phillies have finished the season with a winning record. This will be the eight straight year without any doubt. They won’t collapse like heavy favorites or Super Bowl losers do in the NFL.
But eventually, Ryan Howard will get old and his knees will get creaky. Charlie Manuel will forget how to handle his pitching staff. Brad Lidge will implode.
And then the real Philly fan in you comes out! You’ll cuss them, you’ll hate them, you’ll wish them death.
People talk badly about New Yorkers, but I’ve spent plenty of time with Yankees fans. They’re nowhere near the bandwagoning brand of asshole Philly fan is. In the land of the cheese steak, it’s all ‘what have you done for me lately’.
That’s fair. You’re allowed that in sports. I know some good people in Philly. You see some cool shit on South Street. I went there once with my girlfriend and we walked into a gag gift shop. Saw the biggest black dildo I’ve ever seen in my life in that place.
Nice monument outside the stadium of Mike Schmidt as well.
But Philly fan, you’re no good. Let your asses suffer through 15 years of true losing and see how much you come out to Citizens Bank Park.
Oh and that bell in left center can get fucked as well.