Ask Jim Leyland

By TheNaturalMevs on February 17, 2010

Inspired by Jim Leyland’s interview with Chris Myers a while ago, we’ve decided to continue our segment here at Diamond Hoggers featuring baseball’s most John Wayne-esque Manager. He is here to offer readers his wisdom on life, and all things pertaining to. Behold the marvel that is Ask Jim Leyland:

Jim,

I’ve struggled with alcoholism for most of my 45 year life. I’m about to lose everything I own if I don’t stop. The old lady is telling me that she’s gone the next time she smells scotch on my breath, and I’m about to lose my commission based sales job because my work performance is less than satisfactory because I’m always in the bottle during the day. I am struggling to find a reason to live. I need your help Jim. What should I do?

-Drying up in Des Moines

Jim Leyland: I’d suggest Chivas Regal, if scotch is your taste. And just quit your job before they have the satisfaction of firing you. It isn’t going to work out anyway.

Dear Jim,

I am writing you because you are a real positive figure in my family’s life. Recently my husband was laid off and now our home is in the process of foreclosure. My husband has been sitting around the house in his pajamas, and crying a lot lately. I try to tell him that things happen for a reason, that everything will be okay. He often talks about just hanging on until baseball season, when he can watch you and the Tigers bring him a championship and some possible joy into our lives. Deep down inside, a feeling of panic is within me. I am scared, and alone. I have no idea where our family will live next month. Some words of encouragement would really lift not only my husband’s low morale but my own. Thank you so much Jim.

-Sincerely, Panicked in Pontiac

Jim Leyland: Hope that your vehicle sleeps more then two. We won’t win the World Series this year, so your husband might want to brace himself for more sadness and time in his pajamas.

Jim,

Our son Timmy has been getting into a lot of trouble at school recently. In the past month he’s been in three fights, bit his teacher’s wrist, and was caught stealing money from the donation to the homeless jar. We’d punish him, but we believe that there is a better way. We want to be good parents and teach him lessons all throughout life. Through good times and bad. The most troubling thing is he cannot read or write. He needs to be spending his time at school learning, not trying to hide his weaknesses through negative actions. I hope you can give us some good advice.

-Struggling in San Antonio

Jim Leyland: Tell young Thoreau that I said if he’s going to stick his hands into a jar of change, he needs to be wearing double sided tape.

Jimmy, I’m at the end of my rope!!! I’ve had enough of this life. Been a Tigers fan all my life, and this is my last cry for help. I’m thinking about either turning the Buick on with the garage door shut and taking a long nap or hanging myself with a belt from our exercise equipment. I’m sure you’ve felt this way before. The walls are closing in, Jim. A dark cloud looms over me. I’m out of patience, and I feel like I’m out of time. The sun is setting…..

-Save me in ?

Jimmy Leyland: Try getting more vitamin D in your diet. If you are going to hang yourself with a belt, don’t plan on being able to wear it with a suit again should you fail.

Mr. Leyland,

I recently found out that my husband has been screwing his secretary on his desk at work! I’m filing for a divorce! To make sure that he feels the ripple effect for years to come, my lawyer will be seeking not only half of everything we own but his very valuable Tigers memoribilia collection will go to me. I will then sell this collection and donate any proceeds to the Haiti fund or another charitable cause. I want this scumbag I gave up 12 years of my life away for to rue the day that he cheated on me! I don’t need advice, I just wanted you to know that there is a cheater bastard out there who is a huge fan of yours.

-Fed up in Frankfurt!

Jim Leyland: You should have given him more oral 😉 and I’m probably a bigger fan of his.