OT: The Diamond Hoggers Holiday Guide to Shopping for Her

Alright fellas. Pull up a stool and make sure that you’re listening. We’re going to tell you how not to get fucked over this Holiday season by buying your woman the wrong gift. Although it’s likely by this the 22nd of December you’ve already went out and bought something lame that is going to leave her feeling un-fulfilled and wondering if you put any thought into her. After all, you had all December to do it didn’t you?

We’ll drop a few tips and tell you some things to definitely stay away from. This isn’t guaranteed to work on every woman, but let’s get serious they’re all wired the same way: 18 fuckin’ kinds of crazy strewn together into a human body. This blueprint is sure to at least keep you in a saving-face and it might even get you some extra holiday nookie.

1. Listen to small hints

Alright so these women we love. They’re real indirect, most of them. Even the most straightforward ones will drop in small sprinklings of hints. They do this for a few reasons. They’re fickle as shit and their mind could change. So if they only halfway mention it, and then they change their mind like we all know they’ll most assuredly do several times before that big fuckin’ 25th day of December, then they can say they only mentioned it in passing and didn’t really want the gift that bad. Now on the other hand, they do it to see if you’re listening. Women care more about your dumb ass just listening to them then they do anything you could ever buy them. They really value that shit. So one could conclude the greatest gift of all that we as guys could give them would just be to ask a question; and genuinely listen to what they have to say–no matter how painful the story you sit through is. Do it enough and it becomes a habit. Then you’re onto something. You know how they are, all sensitive and shit. To listen to them is to stroke them. Play their game and win.

So when you’re at the mall and she says something about she’d look good in that sweater from ________ store that you hate even going into with her, yup that is your cue. If you don’t bring home that bath robe it’s your balls in a sling.

Some women aren’t that bad. But most are.

2. Stay away from low-hanging fruit/lamer gifts
Most guys know and abide by this rule pretty well. If it’s any type of relationship that has been over a short 4 or 5 month lifespan, then you better sure as hell be creative. And of course by law of nature the older we guys get, the longer we’re in the relationship; the less we wanna fucking be creative. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, it’s just how we are. More starts meaning less type of deal.

I’m not saying you put together a coupon book redeemable with a week’s worth of laundry in the front and a remit one for a full day of ass kissing towards the back. That is plenty creative but you’ll hate yourself for doing it after the fact (we know from experience). But make sure that you’re not heading into Bath & Body Works and buying those gift baskets. Every girl out there got one of those from some guy who doesn’t mean shit to them anymore. And they most likely got it from their first ‘kind of boyfriend’ in 8th grade.

This is a simple lesson but you’d be surprised at the amount of slap dicks that will run out this holiday season and get their girl perfume and think that they’ll skate free. Trust me, someday that shit will catch up to you.

3. Puppies and jewelry are of equal value
These girls, there’s two way into their hearts these days; after flowers have lost their luster. And they say that flowers are always good to get; but they’re full of shit. The first year you really wear them out on flowers. Then after that you’re just wasting money. If she’s the special lady you choose to envoke a lifelong partnership with, flowers won’t mean anything again until you’re both starting to grey and you’re heading towards that 20 year milestone mark. Then you guys can sit around the house and listen to Barry White and grow old together.

The way(s) into a girls heart will always be 1) diamonds and 2) puppies. You come up with either of these two and you are fucking golden. I mean you’re Pauly Shore in the early 90’s golden. How much did women love that worthless sack of shit back then? You’re Kirk Cameron golden.

You might ruin your wallet in this department, but I promise you that you cannot go wrong or even really go to the well one too many times with either of these. Get them something that sparkles and you’ll be amazed at how fast that mouth shuts or on how much the dishes get done and the bathroom gets cleaned (for at least the next calendar month until the diamonds and puppy lose their luster).

4. Find the gift wrapping station at the mall (and tell wifey you wrapped it)
Women like a guy who is worldly. So if you’re still in the stage of trying to be someone you most likely aren’t for your queen, then pay attention. Whether they say it or not, they like a guy who can fix things. They like a guy who can cook. They like a guy who is skilled in multiple areas. If you happen to be one of the nancy-boys who knows how to wrap a gift beautifully, then have at it. If you’re not; go to JC Penny at the mall and do your best sell-job to them in telling them you bought whatever gift you came up with at their store. If they look at you in disapproval you can still play the ‘it’s Christmas’ bullshit card and maybe they’ll still wrap your shit out of the warmth of their heart after consulting with their manager.

You show up with that silver gift with the streamers hanging off it and shorty will be thinking she got something special before she even opens it. And girls are so stupid sometimes that they’ll actually trick themselves into thinking it’s a better gift then it really is just by the presentation of the parcel. They’re all into trivial shit like the presentation of things, are they not?

5. Bells & whistles effect
If your gift is shitty, and there’s no fail-proof way that it won’t be with the way many women think; you have to pull out all the stops. Here’s what you do. You offer to take them to look at some holiday lights and get some hot chocolate some night. I promise it will only take you less than an hour. They’re like children, and it will be a life-altering experience for them. They’ll think they spent the night romantically looking at lights and really it was 45 minutes of you suffering through ‘Silver Bells’ on the radio and saving your own ass. Hold their hand, tell a funny story from Christmas when you were a kid and if your girl has a heart she’ll eat it up.

You did this whole great thing, and you didn’t have to leave the friendly confines of your vehicle and didn’t have to spend a dime! Don’t under-estimate stupid shit like this when it comes to your girl. It’s out of the ordinary.

6. Make sure that the gift giving is ‘all about love’
Yeah that’s right. When you hang up the phone and don’t say “I love you” every frickin’ time, how testy do they get? Does it mean we don’t love them? Fuck no it doesn’t. Would you listen to their bullshit all the time if you didn’t? But they like just hearing it every 5 minutes just to remind themselves. It’s like a system of checks and balances that is never-ending. It just goes on forever.

If you haven’t reached this stage yet; you lucky SOB, you will. And when you do, you’ll know what I mean.

So when you hand her the gift, look her in the eye and say something simple. “I hope you like this, I tried really hard to find something you like because I love you.” See? Once again we’re going back to presentation. It’s just window dressing you see.

7. Don’t ask for a BJ
or be extra pushy about getting ass
Yes, you have to be careful just these few days out of the year. It’s the season of giving, so try and please them. If Ugg Boots weren’t in your budget, and you got the cheap knock-offs from Hong Kong, you might have earned yourself a trip down south for the night without expecting anything in return.

They’re going to play off how ‘they’re tired’ or ‘they’ve been so stressed’ more then they ever have at this time of year. Like we all don’t have long days and have to get through this fucking holiday mess together. But it’s SOOOO much worse for them ya know? So sorry, even though they could totally be horny and cool they most likely won’t be because they had to do a little extra shopping and decorating.

Makes perfect sense.

——————-

These are just a few guidelines to get you by. This playbook should work no matter what kind of girl you’ve chose to be at your side this holiday season.

Leave your tips in the comments.