Only season I love more'n white tail bow season is split tail season

That’s right shorty. Smoosh that Latina ass up on Homer. Think I got me this by pitching to contact? Think them fellers that settle for shooting a 6-point buck are taking this back and watching it get lost in their water bed?

I reckon the fuck not.

That little shiny headed bald prick Jocketty said they wanted me in Cincinnati for Redsfest. I told that little Magoo that he could get fucked in them pants he wears and not to call me when I’m fixin’ to be sittin‘ in my tree stand. I had to plead and make the nosey little fucker think I was gonna be out of the country on a guided hunt. Sumbitch cost me a prize 18 point trophy buck that would have hung on the wall in my paw’s den. But I got a secret for little Archie Jocketty……

The only doe I’m bagging tonight is wearing a blue dress and stilettos.

That’s right. There’s a damn good reason I stopped shotgun hunting as a wee little feller. My pappy taught me how to track dear with a bow. That’s real huntin‘. If you can sneak up on a deer before they ever even know you was in the woods, I guarantee you can sneak up on any little piece of pussy in this big old Lone Star State. And once you’re done sneaking, you get to the fuckin‘. If your name is Bailey and you wear #34 that is.

And that’s how I grabbed me this little senorita right here.

She doesn’t ride Bailey’s gun Barrel because I got a fastball that’ll pierce a raw hide better then a four-sided quarrel. Not even cause I got that unit that’s longer’n three pieces of individual string cheese lined togeter. She gets that dick ’cause I know how to track & stalk Sacajawea ass as well as any pilgrim ever could. I like to think of myself as a modern day Jeremiah Johnson. Jeremiah Johnson that’ll settle for a colored woman if he needs to. As long as I’m bedding down with a woman to keep me warm and guard my vittles.

(looks down at compass, sniffs)
(wind blowing at the NSE)

You smell that?

There’s some split tail near by. Now, shut your fuckin’ jaw. You’ll scare her away. I want the chance to do some target practice on that pretty little face of hers! I’m gonna take down this gap and slay it. I’ll empty her out like I gutted my first buck, only my fingers are going to take the place of the knife. Homer don’t mind getting a little dirty, Paw.

When I’m done I’m gonna ride my team of Clydesdale’s all the way to Cincinnati and kick that new guy Bryan Price right in his balls. Tell Dusty to have the camouflage Reds hats ready or I quit! I’m not taking any deer tags back to the cabin this year motherfuckers! I’ll shoot everything in sight!

And when I’m finished I’ll see if I can fit an entire carbon arrow up Shorty’s ass! That’s when I know I found my Mrs. for sure.