Yeeeehawwww! Did you hear that shit, Paw? Second time in three starts I went out and got me a piece of that Pirate ass! And that’s right, the Homer Bailey Express was rocking into the late innings today. Went out and got me 8 scalps today. Done near set my own personal record for K’s, and after the game I set my own personal record for the amount’a little southern belles that I patted on the ass with the barrel of my shotgun.
(cleans Bowie knife blade on pant leg)
I reckon I’m gonna put me this nice new trophy here on my wall next to my prize white tail deer.
(sizes new trophy head up on the wall)
Now a feller might wonder what this new species of varmint is. Ain’t much of a rack on this little fella. He sure did put up a struggle before he let out his last cold breath. Then I gutted em’ with this here knife and stepped on his piss sack after I emptied out his belly. He had a lot of shit inside of his bowells. See what you think
That’s right! Mccutchen Mule-Deer! One of the rarest species of varmint in these here Midwestern territories. I’ll have this here hangin‘ on my wall and tell my grandchildren someday how their granpappy Homer went out one cool September afternoon and killed him a Mccutchen Buck every time the little sumbitch came to the plate.
(tilts Mccutchen Mule-Deer trophy head just right on the wall)
(stops to admire for a moment)
Did you see the fuckin‘ jizzum flying off that fastball when that little sumbitch tried to catch up to it? It might as wella been shot out of a fuckin‘ muzzle loader! Not even Davey Crockett got the amounts of pussy that I been getting lately after winning three straight starts.
(picks teeth with a coon’s dick bone)
If I could pitch against the Pirates every time out, I’d have me all kinds of mounts to hang in my game room. And if I’d been up here with the big club all year long and last year like I shoulda, I’d be getting ready to add a Cy Young trophy in this here room. And if old whip cream tits Dick Pole wouldn’ta fucked with my mechanics, I’d probably have gotten me some kind of far out split tail that I don’t even know about yet. I’m talkin‘ about some little Costa-Rican that would like to take a ride on Homer’s disco stick, ya see.
(strips down to only his snake skin boots and cowboy hat)
Now where’s that little fucker Billy Hatcher when I need em? I’m gonna need someone to carry all these sermon filled tissues to the toilet! A cowboy needs a clean area to fuck in! We don’t need any cum delays on this here premises!
(swills a bottle of Old Beefeater)
Yeeeehawwwwww! The Homer Bailey Express is coming out of the saloon! And he’s coming out, dick swingin’!