I reckon I’ll demolish hitters (and women) like I did this here hog

You hear that shit paw? I’m headed to Cincinnatti this year. So all those gals better get the chastity belts out now because the Homer Bailey express is cummin’ to a ballpark and a waterin’ hole near you.

That’s what happens when you fuck everything in site during spring training. At the plate and in the dorms. See this hog I slaughtered in the offseason? Yeah, well that’s what I’m going to do to female parts for the entire spring and summer. You get a special treat ladies; you’ll be getting stabbed by the Homer Bailey third stilt for 162 games. And longer if we make the postseason!

You hear what scouts have been saying about my curveball this spring? Well hell with what they’ve been saying. Scouts go home and fuck their wives after they watch me pitch. Some guys are pitchers. Some guys are throwers. I’m neither. I’m just a fucker.

In the offseason I implemented some new workouts. I heard as a kid that fellow Texan Roger Clemens used to jam his hand in a barrel of rice. I wanted to do something along those lines to improve my strength but I wanted to be innovative at the same time. So every day after my 4 mile run, I jammed my cock into cornmeal. Strengthen the most important arm that I have.
Other’n that, I killed everything that ran across me. I spent a lot of time relaxing my mind. Hunting alone in the woods is great for that. Sometimes when I’m alone deep in them Texas forests; and all I can hear is the chirp of them swallows, I let my legs dangle from my tree stand and beat off on the ferns and lillies below me. Laugh if you want, but there’s nothing better for an athlete’s mind then to meditate about tits, ass, and my fuckin’ fastball being quicker then the arrow I’m about to shoot at an animal from my compound bow. It’s faster then the cumshot I’m about to shoot off as well.

So I’m warning ya’ll now. I’m gonna fuck everything in site! The city of Cincinnati will never be the same! You hear that Berkman? You hear that shit Pujols? How about you Prince Fielder? You’re all gonna get it.

And if your not down with that I don’t know what else to say. Now let me tie you up with a Texas bull rope and fuck your teeth.