(Picks up copy of New York Times at Dunkin Donuts)
A-ROD OUT FUH 6 TUH 9 WEEKS!
(throws coffee at Arab man behind the counter, runs out of DD horrified)
Dis cannot be real! My life cannot be ovah like dis! A-Rod can’t be injahed because if A-Rod is injahed dat means dat duh Yanks might get less respect as being duh finest team to evah grace da earth. And it’s all about respect. Am I right? I am right. They can’t be right. Dese heya fucks dat write fuh da Times are just a bunch of shit spreaders. Am I right?
(goes home to see report verified on various internet blogs)
What da FUCK! Dese blogger fucks ah just a bunch of internet geeks dat haven’t seen der pecker in about a decade! No way dat A-Rod is gonna be out! No fuckin way! Ovah my dead army pal! A-Rod doesn’t get hoyt. He’s supahuman. He isn’t human at all. He is part thoroughbread part unicorn. He’s betta then fantasy. Am I not right?
(turns on ESPN, Tim Kurkjian confirms; A-Rod out for 6 to 9 weeks)
(grabs his kitten, holds it under water in his sink until it stops moving)
I gotta do something. My heart is racing. Dis isn’t fair! A-Rod was gonna have the season of his life! We was gonna have the season of our life! Dis was gonna be Murderuh’s Row 2009! Now duh baseball Gods have tuh come and ruin everything! No! My cannot go on like dis!
Oh my God. I’m in a cold sweat. Am I dying? I’m not dying. Nuttin’ would make me feel betta right now, not even some broad suckin’ on dis genoa salam. I gotta do something about dis.
(calls Yankee Stadium)
Put Cashman on duh phone you dumb mook broad. Whattaya mean Brian Cashman ain’t available? You put him on duh phone or I’ll come ovah theya and make-a you’s suck dis here Italian sausage dat resides between my legs da rest of da afternoon.
Fine I’ll leave him a message. Uh, fuck. Gotta think uh something. Oh yeah.
You tell Cashman since we’re duh Yankees and since we’re duh supreme organization in all of baseball dat his job is to go an get SOMEONE unstoppable tuh fill in fuh fuckin’ A-Rod while he’s out. Dis is deserved! We ah the Yanks and we will get an All-Star 3rd basemen to come in heya and play for a couple weeks and when A-Rod is ready to come back we’ll trade that guy away fer whateva else we need! This is understood! This is how it is done! Understood?
(gets hung up on, slams phone back on wall)
I don’t care if it seems unfair to all you’s midwestern fucks dat think you’s matter in dis sport. Me and my cousins dat follow duh Yanks, we take shits bigger den your whole world. Am I not right?
(Lights Swisher Sweet cigar filled with cheap pot)
Now you knows dat duh Yankees will have a solution fur this. I’m confident dat everything will be alright. Dat greek fuck Teixeira better step it up until May, and I means business on dat. If not, my friend Vinny will put his balls in a blenda. Literally his balls will be liquid. Am I right? You betta believe it.
(Starts up Honda Civic, revs engine, gets out of vehicle with it running but leaves the bass turned up with Tupac playing)
Now you all must bow down to duh mighty Yankees and our new mighty castle dat we play our home games at. What a beautiful structchyuh. Just because our stadium is betta den all duh rest in baseball we should get 120 home games per year while everyone else gets 81, but dats a whole otuh issue. Am I right? I am right.
(Fixes shoelaces so that they aren’t tied)
Duh bigga issue heya is dat A-Rod, dat sissy fuck is laid up due to a cyst. What kind of uh fucking pussy can’t play because of a cyst? We don’t need him. He ain’t done shit fuh us lately. Gimme Longoria or gimme Garret Atkins. I don’t even care just gimme someone who can hit 30 bombs and give dat rat fuck A-Rod time to get well. Trade b-level prospects. Othuh teams should just cave to our demands. If we offuh up someone you just need to agree to it cause we’re duh Yanks. Am I right?
(looks through neighbor’s mailbox)
In 2009 it’s still gonna be duh year of duh pinstripe. Nothing can stop dis voysion of duh Yankee dynasty! Not a cyst, not some pisan bitter fuck writing a book! Not nobodies! Am I right?