DH Off-Topic: Not really being the man, the SI Swimsuit Edition, and You

I came home tonight to find that the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition of 2009 had arrived in my mailbox. You know, this act always kind of takes me back a bit and brings a grin to my face, even though it doesn’t bring me the boyhood joy that it once did. And yes, this is extremely off topic from our usual baseball column but pitchers and catchers are filing in all around baseball as we speak, these posts will soon be coming to an end.

You know, back to the swimsuit edition. Every year when I get my copy out of the mail I always feel just a bit cooler then I did the second before. I don’t know what it is. Something about having that extra thick and glossy issue of Sports Illustrated in my hands (that has jack shit to do with sports and everything to do with big luscious titties) makes me just wanna put on a ballgame, pop open a beer, fart, and scratch my nuts out in the open all while whistling and paging through my fresh new issue of the SI boobie magazine.

And I don’t really know why that is. Is it because it’s just kind of one of our exclusive properties as males? As if in a way; this is the one SI that our women will have absolutely no business looking at. Is it because by laying it on our coffee table in the living room, any buddy that comes over for months even when its considered obsolete will absolutely have to look at it? Why does this issue of SI make us feel like the ultimate bachelor again? Its almost as if for this one day, no matter what else is going wrong in your life; you feel that you’ve arrived in the adult world when you have your own subscription to Sports Illustrated entitling you to your very own swimsuit edition. Truth is, my mother bought me the subscription for a year because she got a good deal on it and I’m further away from being a real adult with each passing day. Looking at beautiful women who have been airbrushed to perfection cannot make me more of an adult, but those feelings do come to mind when I’m putting it out for display in my living room. I just feel a bit more liberated, and while feeling like I’ve arrived it really does take me back to my college days all in the same moment.

So many privlidges arrive with this issue. It gives you the right for no reason at all to make your wife or girlfriend completely jealous. When she goes to reach for it you tell her ‘sorry sweetheart that isn’t for your eyes’. You watch: although they’ll be completely miffed on why you won’t let them see it they won’t quite pout as much as they routinely do other things. It’s because they know, that’s your guy stuff. When you look up ‘man stuff’ in Webster’s you will find a Skoal can, a baseball, and an issue of the SI Swimsuit Edition among the top things listed. So babe, while you can make fun of me for video games and for throwing the remote over my team blowing a lead in the bottom of the 9th, you keep your hands off my SI Swimsuit edition. It’s mine. Somehow our women are smart enough to know that they don’t have ground to stand on in this one.

With every year there’s a new attraction. When I first hit puberty it was Kathy Ireland as the lead woman. When I first got my drivers liscense Tyra Banks’ impeccable ass was everywhere in the shoots. In college, Rebecca Romjin was all over our frathouse shitroom floor for the rest of the year after the issue came out. Today, Brooklyn Decker is the headliner. If you don’t know who she is you can either google search her, or you can go to page 112 if you’re a current subscriber; where Brooklyn Decker shows you around the world. Totally hot. Totally all ours ya know? Isn’t it great being a guy? You know what else? She’s engaged to Andy Roddick and she’s waaaaay too hot for that douche. Andy, it’s a matter of time until she finds out that you’re an assclown and she is being dug out by one of MLB’s finest. Or maybe a big, black NFL linebacker. But that’s another issue in itself. Roddick met discovered Decker after reading the SI Swimsuit Edition of 2007. Good thing you got her while she was young and dumb pal.

So while we’ve all seen hotter material by this stage in our lives; and SI struggles to find new ways to make this issue interesting to us, it’s still must see. That reason is because you’re a dude and damnit, there’s things that you need in your life even when you’re old and your balls are wrinkled. So go get yourself an issue of the SI Swimsuit Edition and kill a few minutes, hours or days with it. Make the Mrs. jealous. It’s your birth right.