Pictured: $243 Million Dollars

Prediction time: Burnett will give the Yankees a few years of Cy Young type numbers while Sabathia ends up being a bust overall. I do think he will show some flashes of brilliance and have some good runs, but he will never be worth the price the Yankees paid to acquire him.

And they’re already discussing what is gonna happen to Girardi if he doesn’t deliver with these two big, highly priced guns on the roster. Ask me how many postseason wins these guys have combined.

We all know that a month into the season when the Yankees start 8-13, and Sabathia goes on the DL for a sore arm, Steinbrenner money manufacturing company will be on the horn to Mike Mussina begging him to come back.

George Brett Shitpant

This is hardly new material, but there’s surely some out there who haven’t seen it, and it deserves to be part of DH’s archives.

Here we have MLB Hall of Famer George Brett really stretching out in Spring Training. And then somehow his mind wanders to the subject of ‘when is the last time you shit your pants?’

Once he takes off on this story there’s no stopping him.

That'd be some kind of debt

Absolutely. Frickin’. Brutal.

It’s the off-season, so another one of these makes the site. But I have to be honest with you, this one would make it anyways. In the heat of a pennant race in August. In a cakewalk.

And to top it all off, it was done from a school system computer! Los Angeles Unified School District!

I can picture it now. It’s the end of the school day. Guy has been on a hell of a losing streak. He’s losing at poker. He’s losing at blackjack. He’s losing at Connect Four. Guy has nothing left to lose but the mortgage; and well, ya know. Guy wants to dip his toe in the water and see if there’s any other guy out there who has ‘bet his wife’s pussy’. Guy heads over to house with shady characters who are no longer friends because he’s entered an underworld where he’s gambled way too much. He’s in over his head because his gambling habit cannot be supported by his salary as a public educator. There’s more money going out then coming in. He is left with no choice.

This Guy’s Experience with Pete Rose was like our experience with Pete Rose

We never went into detail about the time we met Pete Rose at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. But we’ve heard other’s encounters with the hit king himself. They remarkably; were all like the time that we saw Charlie Hustle, chatted him up about small talk, he failed to make any eye contact with us or anyone, and then we were shuffled through like the tourists we were. I managed to snap a picture on my camera phone but Charlie Hustle was charging the big bucks for his time and to get real photos of him. The spare in the video today exhibits that Charlie Hustle is as consistent in his autograph mongering as he was at collecting seeing-eye singles.

0:08- I’ve already decided I can do without this music. Eat shit for that, mearly34.

0:10- Oh you’re up? I don’t care. Nice to know you can still squeeze a few bucks out of Sin City these days. Good to know those nickel slots are treating you well you high roller you.

0:18- “You gotta pay $50 to get a photo. You have to buy a photo and get it signed.” Is that right? Interesting.

0:37- We get our first shot of that hit king on his cell phone, listening intently to some faceless, nameless gangster most likely. And it appears that the news isn’t good. If an expression could talk: “I knew I shouldn’t have bet a God damn 4-team parlay when the Phillies were starting Madson! Fuck! If I just would have left it as a 3-team! But the Phillies never lose at home to the Giants! It hasn’t happened for decades!”

0:41- The hit king is shamelessly picking his nose. There’s an Arriba standing behind him preparing for his big moment with Pete.

0:45- Reload time. And you thought the Peter went down easy! They invented the west coast for this shit! Gimme $500 on Colorado and Oakland to win their night-caps.

0:50- Possibly the best part of the video. Pete throws an arm around the little gal and pops squeezes in behind to get their photo with him. And he smiles that forced, fake smile that says ‘how many fuckin times do you think I’ve done this in this day/month/year/decade’.

0:55- Interview with Pete Rose’s forehead.

0:59- Rose has to remind his brain to work. It’s like when you’re working at a factory. You keep putting the widgets in the box all day long. After 8 hours of it, you tune out everything else and you’re just a fucking widget in the box stuffing machine. Well Pete is focused on getting the autograph signed. Talking is not part of the deal.

1:03- Patented side glance, accompanied by talking out of the side of the mouth like only Peter Edward Rose can.

1:05- Psychosis look. Look at those eyes!

1:12- Either you’re too nervous in the mind to help yourself, Pete; or you were never taught to look someone in the eye when they speak to you. These are your customers. Christ.

1:18- “How long you been doing stuff like this? Um, autograph signings?” annnnnnnd not a minute longer today it looks like.

1:26- Pete Rose, jump suit, fast, need-to-take-a-shit walk.

1:36- Man! You offended Pete Rose! Tough to do we’re sure! Hey, what a better way to celebrate then to head down to the Flamingo and hit up the nickel slots! I hear they’re giving away those cool free Flamingo cups that you can keep the nickels in! See you there!

1:41- Uh, yeah. We just watched your video. Play by play is not needed. And shave while your at it.

1:45- You have a way with wearing dickwad Buddy Holly glasses as well.

2:09- Happy ending after all. Rose smiling like a grampa with dementia at his 80th bday party.

I’m personally still just shocked that Rose wasn’t wearing a shirt with Hawaiian print on it.

Who Says You Can't Go Home Again? Furcal Signs with Braves

Rafael Furcal is going to be an Atlanta Brave once again. After passing a physical (MLB’s way of saying that they’re tying a bow on a finished deal) Furcal will begin his second stint with the Atlanta Braves at age 31.

The deal is rumored to be a three year deal, and it could be used to put Furcal as the second basement (Yunel Escobar is a highly touted shortstop prospect) but it gives the Bravos an igniter at the top of that lineup.

We’ve always thought that Furcal would have been an awesome player to have in the lineup as a baseball fan. The guy drives pitchers mad on the basepaths and if you walk him he’s one of the few guys in the game anymore that makes a free pass hurt.

If Furcal is healthy, he’ll be a candidate to win the Comeback Player of the Year Award this coming season.

Yankee Nation is F–cking unstoppable now, Undastood?

Did you fuckas heeya what Burnett said? He said he wants ta join da Yankee nation, you bitches. We are da superior power in all of baseball, you fucks. That’s just how we roll. We come in, take all da fuckin’ quality outta da fuckin market, and leave yuh team with fuckin’ nickles ta rub ta-getha. Now buy me a beeyuh–I’m gonna be finished with dis one in a second. In Joisey we fuckin’ chug you pussies. Am I right?

(chugs beer, spilling some on neck area of shirt)

Now everyone knows dat da Bronx is da heart of Yankee nation, but I hail from Newark, New Joisey where we know all about duh fucking Yankees and how tuh take and own shit and make it ya own piece of fuckin’ property. Like last night. I met dis girl down on da shore. I told her, you wanna have any chance of suckin’ dis dick lata? You betta have a lighta in yuh fuckin’ pocket and a cigarette for me to smoke then. And lick my balls too. Dats why I’m a Yankee fan, you fucks. We don’t just go fur a piece, we want da whole thing. We don’t just want tuh be da best. WE ARE DA FUCKIN’ BEST. Am I right? Am I right?

(Chugs 2nd beer hard)

Are you ordering uh pizza? Save two slices fuh me. No, I’m not paying fuh any. I’m just asking fuh uh taste. Only uh Mets fan would decline to give me uh taste of the fuckin’ pie. Mets fans, we ain’t talkin about duh fuckin’ Mets tuh-day. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE METS AND THEIR FAGGOT FANS. God, duh Mets. What uh bunch uh second-class, seven-train riding assfucks. CALL ME WHEN YOU GET UH FUCKING REAL FRANCHISE, YOU SUBLETTING PUERTO RICAN BITCHES. Am I right? Now pump my fucking gas of my pimped out Honda Civic fuh me, you fucks.

(chugs 3rd beer, without removing Parliament cigarette from mouth)

So I’m at Wawa the utha day bout to get uh fuckin buffalo chicken sandwich and I got this group of fuckin’ ladies behind me in duh line talking about the Mets complainin’ about us going aftuh Lowe, Sabathia, Burnett, Texeira, and such. I turn around and I tell um, you make one more remark about duh fuckin’ Yankees and I’m gonna bitch slap yuh teeth outta yuh fuckin’ Seinfeld Jew kissin’ face. AM I RIGHT? You know I’m fucking right. You know it, honey. Don’t try and argue with me, ladies. I’ll just end up having to fuck you in duh ass again. AM I RIGHT, HUH?

(eats Hebrew National hot dog, washes down by chugging 4th beer)

Duh Red Sox, they’re fuckin’ second rate pussies as well. They don’t get half the pussy dat us membuhs of Yankee nation get here in Joisey. They don’t have duh luxury of claimin’ Bon Jovi and duh fuckin’ Pork Roll. The next Sox fan I see roll into my dinuh at 3 am when I’m stoned and drunk, I’m gunna rip his prick off and shove it down his fuckin’ throat; then I’m gunna put em in duh trunk of my civic and throw em in the Hudson. Red Sox fans have caught lucky breaks duh last few years but theyuh luck is about to run short. We got Hank in charge now, understood? Dat means big time winnuhs wearin’ pinstripes. We got uh trillion dollah credit and yuh all gotta pay duh fuckin’ pipah. AM I RIGHT COUSIN? AM I FUCKIN’ RIGHT?

(Puts on headphones around neck blaring of 50-cent)

All’s I’m sayin’ is day if some girl doesn’t start suckin’ on dis Genoa Salam in duh next five minutes, I’m not gonna lend you any of duh cigarettes or pizza people are gonna lend me. YANKEE NATION TILL I DIE MUTHAFUCKAS! BAFONGOOL YOU MUTTS! AM I RIGHT?

Throwing it around

Things are heating up at the Winter Meetings as the week looks to come towards a close. Free agency has definitely kicked off with a bang with the biggest name–C.C. Sabathia–choosing a destination. It’s probably all just formality and scuttlebutt between the owners from here on out. Here’s the daily link dump:

-It looks as if Kerry Wood is going to be a Cleveland Indian. [The Tribe Report]
-The Twinkies have re-signed Nick Punto to a 2-year deal. [Around the Majors]
-J.J. Putz joins the Mets in a 3-team deal, a deal which unquestionably gives the Mets the best bullpen in baseball in a matter of days. [Loge 13]
-Is Mark Texeira getting away from his roots? [Blue Collar Baseball]
-Taking a look at some Rule V Draft prospects [Baseball America]
-The Devil Rays are looking at Bobby Abreu. [MLB Trade Rumors]
-The Reds search for a right handed hitter rolls onward. [Redleg Nation]
-An in depth look at the Reds acquisition of 32 year-old catcher Ramon Hernandez. [On Baseball and the Reds]
-Some first-hand Vegas updates as of this morning. [Baseball Prospectus blog]

We got Arthur Rhodes!

Ever since I was a youngster playing Tony Larusa baseball, I’ve had knowledge of just how nasty Arthur Rhodes was. While his velocity rating on the game wasn’t a 10, his stuff was absolutely frickin unhittable (I also liked Alan Mills). That was over 15 years ago when I was still picking my nose in my bean bag chair while playing games on my old Sega Genesis.

Finally after all this team, my team is the proud owner of Arthur Rhodes. It’s clear that Rhodes probably chose Cincinnati over other known baseball towns like St. Louis because we gave him a 2-year, $4 million dollar deal. We might have been the only team. Arthur isn’t stupid. He probably looks at this like one last payday as he rides off into the sunset, even if it’s for what has been a losing franchise (admittedly).

Hired gun or not–the guy is one of the finest lefty specialists in baseball. Now watch the snake bite that is Cincinnati cause a guy who’s been healthy his entire career to spend the next two years on the DL. I’m sorry, I can’t help it. The thought crossed my mind.

Money is no item in the Bronx: Sabathia a Yankee

Isn’t there supposed to be a recession going on? Aparently, everyone is hurting for money in this world except for the New York Yankees. C.C. Sabathia joins the Bronx Bombers signing a 7-year, $161 million dollar deal.

Look, this is getting absolutely disgusting. How many times can we take a look at an instance where the New York Yankees went out and got the biggest gun they could find? All the while you hear Yankee fans snicker like the fat kid who’s eaten so many chocolates he’s going to vomit. They even know it’s ridiculous but they’ll give you some kind of half-assed retort that “well it’s good for us and bad for you”. ‘You’ is every fan who doesn’t choose to follow the evil empire.

Oh, so now you want to add Derek Lowe or A.J. Burnett (watch it be both) to a pitching staff that already includes now Sabathia, Chien-Ming Wang, Phil Hughes, Carl Pavano, Joba Chamberlain, and possibly And Pettite. Know what? That’s fucking annoying. You don’t need all that.

And next year I’ll allow myself to reference this post while the Yankees get in bed with the top 8 members of the 2009 free agent class. You can literally picture any star in baseball wearing pinstripes, and why is that? Isn’t there something backhanded about that whole concept?

How about this: the Yankees ask the city of New York for $370 million dollars so they can go and have their hands in every marquee player’s contract negotiations. Meanwhile, Indians fans are texting me about how essential the Kerry Wood signing is going to be and Reds fans are coming up with theories about how Ramon Hernandez could hit 30 home runs in Great American Ball Park this season.

Once again, eat shit Yankees. You’re crooked and you get away with it.

So the Mets land K-Rod for 3 years, $37 million. Perhaps they learned about offering pitchers in their late 20′s and early 30′s long-term deals? Who’s got the better shades coming out of the bullpen? K-Rod or Duaner Sanchez? We figure this deal has better results then how Pedro’s will end up. [Sports Illustrated]

So Long Freel

Ryan Freel has seen his time as a Cincinnati Red come to an end. The guy was always a fan favorite of ours. He played hard. He played everywhere. He put dip and tabacky in his upper jowls. There was the opening day DUI in 2005 where he partied a bit too hard after the big win. There was Farney.

Ramon Hernandez was acquired from the Baltimore Orioles for Freel and two prospects. The Reds’ discrimination for anyone with the ability to hit leadoff continues.

We liked Freel because he was a lot like you and I. He was a spark plug. It was a feel good story of a guy who just grinded his way to fame and a spot on a big league roster. He never played for a winner in Cincinnati but it wasn’t because he didn’t bleed and sweat to do so.

Good luck in Baltimore Ryan. The Orioles are getting a hell of a player.