Cowboy cummin’ to the Windy City! Lock up your Daughters!

Suck roast beef pussy lips, Reds. I’ll teach you to trade me for one of them colored’s. You’re going to enjoy one year of .278 and pulled hamstrings while the Sox are gonna enjoy 15 years of fuckin’ nuclear fastballs and a hook that makes guys piss their pants in the box. Wonder what kind of rodeo pussy will turn up over in them there parts. I know what kind. I-talian, ethnic rodeo pussy.

Hey, Paw. Break out that moonshine! Where the fuck you hide that Wild Turkey? This calls for a celebration. I’m gonna drink in nothin but my trousers tonight. Fuck that. I’m going to put on my snake skin boots and drink some of that fermented shit that makes you want to fight your grandma.

I’m gonna drink so much Bud heavy tonight that I kick someone’s ass with my monster truck. I’m gonna wittle my finger like a fuckin twig at the end of the night. I’m gonna piss perfection and stuff some Skoal in a catfish’s mouth! I’ll fuck on the back of daddy’s wood chipper!

(opens copy of Chicago Tribune)

Wait a second! You mean I’m not traded?

(vomits into spitoon)

Walt Jocketty, if you don’t trade me I’m going to stomp a hole so large in that skull of yours that me and paw will be able to store a years worth of ammo in it, you bald-headed fuck!