Inspired by Jim Leyland’s interview with Chris Myers a while ago (and in the spirit of Thanksgiving since Leyland mentioned the holiday), we’ve decided to continue our segment here at Diamond Hoggers featuring baseball’s John Wayne-esque Manager. He is here to offer readers his wisdom on life, and all things pertaining to. Behold the marvel that is Ask Jim Leyland:
Hi Jim, Seasons greetings. Hope your turkey tasted well this year. My family is trying to enjoy the holidays but we can’t seem to get past a tragedy that happened several months ago. We lost the patriarch of our family. My husband’s SUV ran out of fuel on some train tracks and he wasn’t able to escape the vehicle before a train arrived. I’m trying to really spread holiday cheer within our family to keep spirits high, but its not working. Please help me Jim!
Jim Leyland: Caroline- Your husband should have remembered to fuel up his car before heading out. You can afford a big gas-guzzling car, but not the fuel it takes to run it? What kind of sense does that make?
Jim, hello. Last Christmas my husband wanted to really make it special for all the kids in the family. He decided he wanted to make it a special Christmas by playing Santa. I warned him that he should have gone for the simple sit on Santa’s lap bit but he wouldn’t listen. Towards the end of the family Christmas party, he dressed up like Santa Claus and went up on our roof. The kids and entire party were interrupted by my husband falling off of our roof and breaking his back. He also cracked a few ribs and severed his spleen. Our Christmas was ruined. He had been planning to sneak down the chimney with toys and gifts for everyone. He’s planning something big for this year as well. Jim–I can’t talk him out of anything. You wouldn’t dress up like Santa Claus and slide down the chimney would you, Jim? Please talk some sense into him.
Sandy in Utah
Jim Leyland: Santa Claus is a faggot. It’s Utah. So the kids would have known that it wasn’t the real Santa anyways.
Dear Jim, last winter we found that our carbon-manoxide detectors were very outdated. I warned my husband that they needed replaced. He said he was going to do them in the summertime when it was warm? But every summer day he had off, he just laid on the couch and watched baseball. I warned him that his laziness was endangering our family. He still continued to put off the task. He said that ‘no one ever dies of carbon manoxide poisoning these days’. Then one day last september, we returned home from a weekend away to find that our family cat, Max, was laying dead in his cage. My husband’s laziness killed our family pet! Jim, I am considering leaving him because his laziness is like this with everything in his life. It was traumatizing for the kids. I can’t live like this anymore! Please help.
Lindsay in Tallahasse
Jim Leyland: You need to go buy a dog. Cats are annoying animals and don’t add much to anything. When it’s your time to go, it’s just your time.