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Why the Halloween holiday sucks

By on November 1, 2008


I don’t really like Halloween much. As I’ve grown older I’m just not a candy guy. I never buy the stuff at gas stations. I don’t have much of a sweet tooth. The only time I’ve ever carved a pumpkin is when my girlfriend suckered me into it; but I still knew it wouldn’t be a fun date. Furthermore, I don’t get a day off work to celebrate it; so its not a real holiday. You get little kids coming to your door acting like fuckos (like I used to). Leave a ‘please take one’ sign and you end up serving one tricker treater and his older brother. You get people with way too much time on their hands, carving pumpkins of Manny Acta. You go out and buy a jumbo bag of kit-kats only so you can have not a single trick or treater.
Most of all, the costumes. You know, I was always the guy to throw on my baseball jersey in college when I was forced into this festivus of fuck; drink a 12 pack and call it a night. I just couldn’t get into it.
Hey look! I just spent 12 hours making a costume! I’m a see-saw!
Me: Go.Eat.Shit. Seriously. You’d get as much appreciation from me if you told me you spent your entire day planting a tree. Either way you need to find better shit to do with your time.
Another thing I don’t like about it? It gives girls an excuse to dress like whores. So maybe I have an agenda. Maybe I am just speaking the truth.
Yeah and this year I’m going to be a slutty tooth fairy! They were all out of Hooters girl costumes! So I figured this would be easier! Yay!!
Me: Oh but weren’t you a slut, I mean the tooth fairy last Halloween hun? Oh I forgot. You were a Spice Girl. Well great. Have fun parading around downtown Philadelphia with a ‘Please Rape Me’ sign on. Oh and make sure you don’t call until 3 am either.
Seriously, Halloween can take all it’s devil-worshipping shit boxes and get fucked. Oh and another reason it sucks? There’s no baseball on Halloween. Like ever. So hell with Halloween and the dickheads who think it is a real holiday.
*Hat tip to FanIQ for the image. Um, nice work.
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