The ball, Harden.

Gimme the ball, Harden. Gather your shit; and get off my cock-sucking mound. Low down piece of dirty fuckbags. We go out and bring you in here, to the North side to help us win a fuckin’ championship and you join the rest of these fucking stiffs in embarrasing me. That’s right. Fucking flip the fucking ball at me like I’m some piece of shit maggot that doesn’t deserve your time. Just take the jersey off now. You’re not a member of this franchise anymore anyway. That’s right you’re done. You’ll be out of here soon enough, prick. Cause, I got news for ya Harden. You’re the fucking maggot. Not me. I’ve won postseason ballgames. I’ve been to the World Series. My dick didn’t invert when I played in October, either.

And what are you looking at over there Lee? You aged piece of cheese fucking boring garden variety shitbag? You think I need you in here for this meeting to kick Harden’s lousy ass off the field? No, I don’t. When I want to look like a cuntwrinkle in front of all these fans here in Los Angeles I’ll call you over and have a conversation with you. Wait for my signal. Oh….. wait….. here it is (exposes himself in the direction of Derek Lee).

Gimme the lefty…. Gimme the righty. Whatever-the-fuck I don’t care. (touches left arm and right arm simultaneously) I’d like to put Carlos Zambrano on one of those sticks that they barbecue a pig on. I’d like to stick an apple in his mouth and light fire underneath his yellow underbelly. I better stop thinking about this. I still have my grandchildren, my wife, my kids. They all love me. It doesn’t matter that we’re going to get swept again. It doesn’t matter (gnashing teeth) MOTHERFUCKBAG! WE’RE GOING TO GET SWEPT! YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN KIDDIN ME SON! I WOULDN’T TRUST THIS TEAM TO SHAVE THEIR SCROTUM WITHOUT FUCKIN IT UP. (under breath) You let that jap go out and beat us like that. I wanna drive the team bus off a cliff tonight.

Here. Here’s the ball. Do something good with it dickhead (flips the ball to Micheal Wuertz). You sons of bitches really know how to make a pair of old man balls sweat good. I’m gonna fuck Soriano in his skinny black ass. Fuck this shit. Take this shit and fuck it. (Grabbs croch. Sniffs hand.)


So it doesn’t really look like that whole “We’re going to win the World Series and break the 100 years curse just in time” thing is gonna work out. How’s your sweep? Sucks Chicago. You got Torre’d right outta town. You became the 2nd NL team in the last 40 years to go into the postseason with the best record and be SWEPT. You didn’t win a game. And that’s 9 games in a row when it counts that you’ve shit down your leg.

So, no worries I guess. As long as you like losing huge games. I mean there’s always next year, and the next year, and the year after that. As long as you keep talking about winning the World Series and all the curses that come with it–how about trying to, uh; like win a postseason game? Lets start small here Cubbies. Baby steps for the incompetent. Did that gay little Goat Curse apply to League Division Series too? Oh, thats right. They didn’t have that back then. You guys just manage to fuck yourselves in the pants every year. Congrats on joining the rest of us fans of loser franchises. The only difference is your team does it on the grandest of stages!