See that scoop? It has my fucking name on it.

What’s that you’re writing there? Oh. Well it’s too bad I wrote it already. Yeah, I had that shit out about 12 hours ago while you were laying in bed with your squaw wife, snoring; fucko.

This is my show. It’s my time. I’m the guy you see on FOX Saturday Baseball. I’m the man the players come to for a story. C.C. Sabathia texts me after starts to let me know how his slider felt. Chipper Jones sends me a set of numbers after every game. Those numbers correspond with representation of how tough each pitcher he faced that night was on a scale of 1 to 10. David Wright lets me know when he gets a new set of batting gloves. I know what Jon Papelbon’s wife’s pussy tastes like. That’s right. Investigative reporting just got a whole lot easier. For me that is.

Wanna know how I got this gig? I get deeper. You think I was named National Sportswriter of the Year five times because I asked the journeyman lefty why he didn’t walk the 4-hole righty to get to the lefty hitting behind him with first base open in the 9th? Cause that would have been what a perfectly normal sportswriter asks. But I didn’t become the face of baseball reporting by doing what I was asked to do. I have changed the way that baseball is covered and reported.

Sure, it’s great to read your hometown sports writer each morning and hear about his personal thoughts on the Pudge Rodriguez trade. But you know what? Important people in this game don’t give a fuck. Wanna know why? There’s no action in that. I’m the one who told him about the Pudge Rodriguez trade. I knew it went down the second it happened because Brian Cashman pushed a button underneath his desk that vibrated this buzzer in my pocket to let me know the trade was happening. A practice I innovated, by the way.

Some have said that I’m the Jay Glazer of MLB. Yeah, that works; except he’s a balded gnome who got to where he is by sticking his fingers up Micheal Strahan and Jason Sehorn’s ass. I got to where I’m at by making everyone else at The Sporting News look like a total slackass because I was in the office…. scooping hours before and after their tired, lazy asses were not.

Did Glazer break the story about Nomar being traded? Did he report that Joe Girardi would be fired from the Florida Marlins? Did he know Dontrelle Willis and Miggy Cabrera were going to be Detroit Tigers weeks before it took place? Did he know what snack was in the glove compartment of Cory Lidle’s jet? Oh yeah, but he told us that the New York Giants were playing on a new form of astroturf. That’s real good though.

I wasn’t accusing you of stealing a story, so don’t give me that look. Just fair warning. If it’s out there, just assume I not only already know about it, but I’ve written it already. I think I can live with you being in this business if you just (pauses) stay the fuck out of my way. If you do that, I’ll show you how you deliver a story on television to a national audience. But you won’t be able to do it like I do it. You’ll feel incompetent. Most do.

That story in your hand you’ve been working on, just give it to your editor in this garbage can. Oh don’t say you’re sorry. I’ve got a saying. Don’t be sorry. The good writers always beat the sorry writers, naturally.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got an exclusive interview with Ty Cobb and Elston Howard. Supposively it’s going to be a real ‘touching’ piece. It was my idea.