Inspired by Jim Leyland’s interview with Chris Myers a while ago, we’ve decided to open up a new segment here at Diamond Hoggers featuring our Marlboro Red Manager of the Year. He is here to offer readers his wisdom on life, and all things pertaining to. Behold the marvel that is Ask Jim Leyland:
Hi, Jim. About two years ago my husband was laid off from his job. After that due to stress he became a victim of insomnia. This led to him falling asleep during the day when he was doing anything at all. He could not find work with the job market being what it is today, so he started working landscaping and outdoor labor with a family friend at his age of 45. One day, he fell and hit his head on some cobblestone. Now he has short and long term memory loss and is left disabled by the accident. We have two small children, and now I must care for them both and somehow find a way to financially rescue our family. What should I do?
-Scared in Sacremento
Jim Leyland: (puts cigarette in mouth) Scared in Sacremento; your husband should have worked harder at his original job.
Hi Jim! Our eight year old son absolutely worships the ground you walk on. He wears his Tigers hat everywhere he goes, sometimes even sleeping in it. He is rewarded for doing his schoolwork by being allowed to watch the Tigers game, and he gets excited every time the camera sees you in the dugout. You’re his whole world. Recently, he wore his tigers pajamas to school under his clothes without us knowing, and when he wore them for the rest of the day the kids made fun of him to the point of him crying and leaving school and not wanting to go back. He’s skipped school several times since then and is now expelled. Jim we’re running out of answers for son and we’re desperate for help. Please help our boy.
-Desperate in Dallas
Jim Leyland: That was stupid for your son to wear pajamas to school.
Dear Jim, My husband and I have been happily married for about 8 years. We have had what I thought to be an amazing sex life. About a year ago I stumbled upon this hidden folder on my husband’s computer featuring pictures of women giving oral sex to horses. This discovery really has me creeped out and I find it hard to ever be intimate with him due to the fact that this disgusting act turns him on. It’s ruining my life Jim! Save my marriage, please!
-Stunned in Spokane
Jim Leyland: (inhales cigarette) You know stunned, horses are beautiful animals.
Hello Jim. About a year ago I lost my mom to cancer. Months after that my father was thrown in jail for not paying his taxes. My siblings are both real black sheep and I have no other close family. My close friends are at a point in their life where I feel like everything is coming together for them, yet I can’t help just to tread water. I feel like the grass is growing higher than I can mow it in life, Jim. I can’t go on much longer. Yesterday my dog ran in front of a mini-van and was struck and killed. I’m going to tie a heavy object to my ankle and throw it in my pool if you can’t help me, Jim. Please.
-I’m finished with life!
Jim Leyland: (sighs) I’ll HUFF! (inhales cigarette) And I’ll PUFF! (exhales cigarette) and I don’t give a fuck.