Whatta ya mean the Yanks are gonna let Billy Crystal come to Spring Training to play in a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates? Whatta ya mean it’s his birthday and as a gift to him? Does that mean that one man, especially a fan (albeit a very famous one-I loved his work in City Slickers 2) gets to offset the ever important chemistry on the world’s most famous sports franchise?
When it was my birthday, George Steinbrenner invited me into his office by telling me he had something really special for me. Wanna know what he had waiting on me? My release papers, with an “X” by where I needed to sign. He told me that he was looking out for my best interests. He said he’d call a few of colleagues around baseball and find me a spot on a contender. We all know what happened after that.
Well whatta ya mean it’s because Crystal is 60? He’s a senior citizen now! He could get hurt! There’s no place for that old man on a baseball field. What’s next? Are they gonna let Jack Palance come out and play shortstop? Golly, this league and this franchise has really lost it’s marbles.
Wait! Wait…. did you just say they’re gonna let Crystal take ground balls at second base? Why do you think they’d do that? You don’t really think they’ll put him in at second base, like, in a game; do you? No. There’s no way. They’ll stick him in a corner outfield spot or something. Hide him in the field for an inning. Maybe let him take BP and get an at-bat. They won’t want to take any reps away from Cano. Ha ha, I really hope that isn’t true–the part about him getting to play second.
[Looks down to check how many shells are left in his Colt .45 revolver chamber]
I guess it doesn’t really matter. Crystal is a nice guy. I met him a few times. He called me Kubek. I always had to remind him my name was Knoblauch. ‘K’s you know. Easy enough to mess up, no harm in that. DO YOU THINK THAT STEINBRENNER WILL LET HIM HANG AROUND THE DUGOUT AFTER HE PLAYS? Just wondering. I just don’t think it would be fair to have a guy from Hollywood hanging around Major Leaguers. That’d be like me showing up on a movie set and asking him to do a couple of his script lines for him. I wouldn’t interrupt his work day.
What do you mean you heard Steinbrenner tell him a joke the other day? What was it about? Was it about me? It was!?! You have to tell me…..
Whatta ya mean Steinbrenner laughed and told Crystal the only call he made for me was when he called George Mitchell after I was out of the league?