Let me talk to you about anal fissures

Recently Kaz Matsui of the Houston Astros found himself disabled with a very personal injury.

Kaz Matsui will miss four to five days with an anal fissure.That’s an unnatural tear or crack in the anus skin, for those of you not in the know. Matsui is expected to be out until at least Friday. Anal fissures can become chronic problems, but the Astros hope using a different medication will sooth Matsui’s issue.

Ouch. That just sounds like it hurts. But when I was General Manager of the New York Mets, I had a case of anal fissures that could top any case of anal fissures you’ve ever laid eyes on. I kid you not, when I held my ass open; it looked like a sourdough roll holding slicings of swiss steak.
Okay, you’ve heard of hemorrhoids, yes? Some of you maybe even have had hemorrhoids. Well it’s worse than that, 100 times worse. It’s pretty much not even comparable to having an anal fissure but I wanted to get you thinking in that direction. Especially the case that I was afflicted with; but not to take away from what’s going on with Matsui.

There’s no possible way that Matsui’s case of anal fissures could be worse than what I experienced. For that, I don’t feel sorry for him. There’s no way he is in more pain than I was. I was debilitated.

Laid up on my side for three full weeks in July, I would have to carry a towel to bite down when I’d take a shit because the pain was so bad. Kaz Matsui, or anyone else out there–couldn’t have experienced anything like what I did.

Plus I know from when I was a GM of the Mets, Matsui’s threshold to pain isn’t what I’d call anything to write home about. Let me tell you, this guy could be doggin‘ it. This isn’t the type of injury to kid around with; if he really indeed has anal fissures. I have my doubts because I had them myself and I know more than anyone–just how bad anal fissures can be–especially to the toughest mental and physical guys in this game, like I was when I was General Manager of the Mets.

I’ll tell you one time Matsui came out of a game with a dislocated finger when he was in my organization in New York. This lead to me questioning his toughness. This seriously makes me question whether or not he has anal fissures; because the pain with them is so paralyzing. I know because I had as bad of a case that’s ever been seen. Everyone should be thankful that they never had a case of anal fissures like I had.