Fun with MONSTER Energy's Fan Page

You know you’re ready for the season to start when you’re digging up shit like this. I was on the Monster Energy page just doing some internet skimming (for caloric advice) when low and behold I found some reader submissions. Now remember, I like Monster. It’s a good drink. Tasty. But what you’re about to read is completely uncalled for. The worst part is these oddballs were voluntarily naming themselves. If you haven’t had your laugh for the day, have at it:

(Please keep in mind these are real people who emailed these submissions to the Monster Energy company…. honest to God).

Nothing like being a monster energy freak – Paul Knorr 01.06.2007 Alright heres how it goes. Everyone makes fun of me cuz i`m this big monster energy freak. I got the monster coat, pants, helmet, hoodie, fitted hat, beanie, t-shirt and bought the decal kit and stripped all the decals off my sled and filled it with monster. Not to mention that you will very rarely find me without a monster in my hand. And yeah i get yelled at since my checks are gone due to monster but hey its all worth it. I`ll take the stares and comments under peoples breath saying look at that idiot, no worries, monster is not just an energy drink now, its a life style! And i`m going to life that life style to the fullest! Thanks monster!! Whatever else you throw out there i`ll be sure to buy it you can count on that!

If you’re buying Monster clothes, you’re too into this whole thing. It’s only a drink. As for those making fun of you, count us on their side.

The Essence of Life – Rob Conzelman 06.11.2007 Thank you for providing wholeness and meaning to my existence. Your product makes every day worth living. I function like a hand-crafted Porsche, and this has reaped untold dividends with my business and my wife. In short, I love you and I could never be without you. I wish could have put my savings in your stock when I had the chance. You have inarguably created the most important invention since fire. Eternal Love, Rob
-‘Love Rob’? Are you fucking nuts? If this isn’t a joke…. well fuck it, either way; you’ve gone bat-shit crazy. It’s paid dividends with your wife? Makes life worth living? You probably thought that Pogs were the best toy since the Slinky too; fuck face. We see how that worked out.

Heaven in a can! – jesse Malmstrom 02.07.2008 Monster single handedly made me love the energy drink world! It was the first and you can bet it will be my last, durning finals it was my savior and i can`t thank you enough! Thanks for making my life complete with this piece of heaven in a can!! Keep on keeping on!! Yeah!!

Yeah!! Get fucked!! Once again, just stupid to not capitalize Heaven, and I know grammatical smack is week. Just reading your dumb shit posts makes me want to dangle my balls on your nose!! Yeah!!

Rust Protection and Monster – peter blair 09.07.2007 These two items go hand in hand. My MONSTER STAFF GO THROUGH at least 2 – 3 MONSTERS PER DAY. When we put in MONSTER LONG DAYS 6 days a week, we look forward to stopping for a MONSTER break. BTW Only the GREEN MONSTER is allowed in my shop. I have tried the other wannabe guys, but they all fall short, by a MONSTER MILE!!!

Hey, shit break, how many times in your email can you fit the word ‘Monster’ in? Ass-kisser. They’d have let your email run on their web-site without the capitalization (MONSTER) or (MONSTER) mentioning (MONSTER) in (MONSTER) every (MONSTER) other (MONSTER) word (MONSTER). Fucko. Also what did rust protection have to do with anything?

Hi can I have some free monster stickers please. – Keith Rideout 08.31.2007 Hi can I have some free monster stickers please.

Forget it pally. The world wants a hand-out, but yet nothing in life is free. Not even your precious Monster stickers.

Monster Energy Drink – Kenny Brooks 07.29.2006I`m 64 years young, and I was out in the yard mowing an overgrown lawn, with my weedeater, and riding lawnmower. I was working in over 100 degree heat we have had here in Alabama for the last 3 weeks. I was almost ready to pass out. I had drank water, cokes, etc, but my wife went to the store, and brought back 2 of your 16 oz cans of Monster Energy drinks. I said to her, “What the hell is that?” because I wanted some orange juice or something with some juice in it….she said, “It says Monster Energy so I brought it to you, hoping you would still be alive when I returned.” I drank both of them, and sorta liked the taste, but It wasn`t something I had tasted before. Well In about 30 minutes, I felt better, then I got back on my lawnmower in 106 degree heat now, and not only finished my yard, but trimmed all the shrubs, and did all my weedeating

Kenny, well I’ve got a guess where you’re from. 1. Oklahoma, 2. Kentucky, 3….. Oklahoma. Probably have a brother named Bubba. I mean, look at this shit people! You’re talking about being 64-fuckin years old and drinking not 1 but 2 Monsters and then working in 106 degree heat? Fuck you in the pants!

Stuck in traffic – Steven Sanchez 07.21.2006 I was stuck in traffic today on Interstate 25 and the monster truck stopped in front of me. I was in relief, a gentalman came out of the truck and offered me a monster energy drink, I stepped out of my car and acceptted quickly. A beautiful woman then appeared and she took my picture with my drink, all the cars behind me. I love the monster energy and the beautiful woman!!!. Thanks for getting me through traffic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-And I just farted and it smells like I ate Jalepeno Cheeseburgers late last night, maybe early this a.m. you fuckin’ clown. You don’t spell worth a shit, but that isn’t why I hate you. You single handedly make me want to email MONSTER and see how stupid of shit they’ll accept. You are getting me to believe they run EVERY email. Saying ‘Interstate 25’ to a national company probably doesn’t help much more than saying you live in the town Springfield. There’s plenty of I-25’s, cocko.

MonsterTow Truck Driver – Bill Wooten 07.14.2
006 Tow Trucks drink a lot of fuel. And so do tow truck operators on a hot Texas day. I tow all day and night in the Texas heat and when I need some extra energy , I grab a cold Monster XXL and it makes all the difference. My energy level and mental alertness are greatly improved shortly after drinking MONSTER energy. Its the best there is hands down. Full Throttle, Red Bull, No Fear, They all leave you hanging. Monster is worth what it costs!!! The power to keep on going.

You must think you’re awfully fucking clever for your little word play in the first couple sentences of your submission. I do not. You’re alright with me because you drive a tow-truck in Texas. There’s a 96.7 % chance you do Skoal daily. The power to keep on getting fucked.

Fun Alone in my Room with MONSTER! – Lars Samuels 07.13.2006 Sometimes when I’m alone in my room I’ll drink a Monster as fast as I can. After that, my balls start to tingle. Yes, I mean those balls down in my pants. Hehe. I’ll begin to pretend there’s an old man watching me in the corner of my room who looks like Captain Kangaroo. As I start to reach down and pull out my little mushroom headed pole, I start to drip the last droplets of my MONSTER in my mouth. Then I start to screech at the top of my lungs like a squirrel who’s just been shot at the beginning of .22 season and beat beat beat. All because of MONSTER. Yeah, I skateboard too! Keep up the great work I really love your drinks!

Ok, we made that last one up. Still, aren’t these fuckin entries the creepiest, cult-like shit you’ve ever read? We’re half-way considering never even drinking the product again because we don’t want to have our brains abducted like these Monster-obsessed trolls.

Play at your own risk with these drinks. As you can see it could be dangerous.