You see my beloved and appreciated readers, I remember ESPN’s Baseball Tonight when it was truly a show worthy of staying up late for. I remember the days when it seemed like all that mattered was seeing the highlights and at the end, that screaming baseball for ‘Going…going…gone’ and it left you feeling fulfilled. What other half hour show could bring so much joy at that hour without showing obscene things, huh? Well, maybe you shouldn’t answer that.
I watch ESPN each night because it’s the only game in town. Not because I enjoy Stu Scott’s googly eye, or because I can’t get enough of Kenny Mayne’s condescending little prick demeanor. They’ve gone too hollywood on us all, you know. They’ve really made a mockery of the sports highlight-which is something that should have been impossible to do. I don’t know exactly what it is about ESPN that irks me but it feels like everything.
I always thought one thing would remain sacred. I thought they’d watch over Baseball Tonight like it was their last surviving virgin daughter. I thought they’d protect and for Gods sakes not change a thing about the show which was so great. No matter what age I was, it always took me back to those warm mid-summer July nights that no matter if my team won or lost, I could enjoy a good solid hour of baseball highlights and commentary.
I was so wrong. I’ve already documented why it sucks now. The best part of the show is no longer Ravvy and Gammons, as they’re rarely paired together anymore. ESPN has instructed Ravech to keep his fool mouth shut and Gammons is too often gone in appearance, chasing Red Sox cleats until his heart’s content. The best part about the show is Tim Kurkjan (I’m sorry tim I know there is an ‘i’ in that last name somewhere, but fuck it), and he’s one dick joke away from killing everyone in sight.
Last night, for some reason I really got myself pumped up to watch BBTN. I thought about doing the right thing, going to bed with the wifey and calling it a night. It was 11:40 and I had to get up early. But you know what I did out of the goodness of my fool heart? I said, “No honey, you go to bed. I’m hitting the couch and watching baseball tonight”. Afterall, my Redlegs had a big night, Dunn and Griff homered and hell, they might even talk about them a little bit if I’m lucky. Stupid me.
In typical ESPN fashion they sent out the puppets to carry out their wishes. After leading off the show with the usual Yankees cock-gobbling and letting Phil Hughes call in, they used up 10 minutes devoted to the Yanks in all. Understandable I suppose-the kid had a no-no going. Then the Red Sox. How long can you highlight a fucking Papelbon blown save? Jesus. How many meaningless moments can you pack into a highlight of the Red Sox? Get over it, turn the page, dickwads. If baseball can go along with revenue sharing, the television waves of ESPN Baseball tonight should start sharing some love instead of continually blow-jobbing one team. They do it each night in their cute little segment of “most important thing” it seems. It should be “Most important thing about the Yankees or Red Sox, Or Mets, or whoever is the trendy team lately”.
They devote a 20 second highlight to the Reds-which is cool and all because the Reds are kind of brutal I’ll admit. They show Dunn’s homer, Griff’s homer, and well that’s a wrap. Sorry Reds fans, no mas. People who don’t live and breathe the game wouldn’t have even known the Reds’ opponent if they stopped to blink or cough during the ‘segment’.
Then they lead into something that I guess got me a bit excited. It was time at the end of the show; not for “Baseball tonight’s panel of Most important things”, but “may predictions”. Ohhhh boy, this could get interesting. Something new, something fresh. I like it. Maybe my waiting up will pay off.
Here’s how it went:
John Kruk: (snorting and gasping for air) “Well you know what Karl, I’ll tell ya what. The Pittsburgh Pirates are going to be in first place by the end of this month. The Brewers are a great team, but the Pirates are gonna catch em’. They’ve got the pitching, and well, they’re going to be in first place. The biggest reason other than that pitching is because of this guy, Adam Laroche! He’s the key to this team! That’s my May prediction.”
Jesus Kruk. If that happens I’ll stop calling you a fat, smelly, pig. I promise. That’s bad fellas. Real bad. I mean what the fuck? Laroche? The only thing I can say about Laroche is the Braves got rid of him because he annoyed the fuck out of Chipper Jones–true story. Sure the Pirates are pesky and pain’s in the ass each night to someone, but they aren’t getting into first place. Mark it down, Baseball tonight shits the bed and a blogger calls them out on it. I do give them props for not involving the Yankees.
Fernando Vina: “Alright guys, well my prediction might come of a bit of shock to you all, but Gary Sheffield is gonna go wild this month! The Baltimore Orioles woke up a sleeping giant the other night when they beaned ‘Sheff, and he’s one of my buddies my all time favorites! He’s gonna be the player to watch this month and he’s gonna really give a lift to the Tigers! See here, he homered in the next at-bat after getting hit by the pitch last night, see! Here he comes, look out American League, Sheffield has arrived. Look at that cock!”
I really, really thought Fernando would provide some kind of analysis not dealing with trendy speculation but once again I took the bait, hook-line-sinker. Fernando simply took the team next in line for an ESPN bukkake shot, the Detroit Tigers, and glorified them. They’re a good ballclub, don’t get me wrong, but couldn’t we have something not dealing with the Yanks-Sawks-Mets-Trendy team of last year for just one second? Sheffield isn’t gonna do shit this month, fuckhead. He had a brutal april, and no amount of hit by pitch’s are going to bring him out of it. No basis, nothing, just because he got hit by a pitch and homered the next at-bat, we’re gonna see him go wild this month, oh and because he’s your buddy right? I’m sure he is.
Once again, if Vina is right about Sheffield having a big month, I’ll go without buying toilet paper for the month of june. Mark my words. We’ll check back in on these predictions at months end and when I’m right, I’ll talk about how much Baseball Tonight suck
s again, and that’ll be that.