Not on tap at our local ballpark

Men’s Journal recently did a feature on the the top-25 beers in America. We’re not into the habit of reading journal’s, we’d rather write one. We also aren’t in the habit of tasting such finer champagnes of the hops; either because we’re too cheap to waste the funds, aren’t in the location of said beer, or just plain said fuck it and felt better about spending $10 on a case of Natural Light or Pabst Blue Ribbon and the cheap buzz it provided us with.

Some people might wonder what this has to do with baseball and why it’s on the blog. That is simple, other than the fact that the editors of this publication have probably downed over 40,000 combined in our lifetime by estimation. We’ll outline it in a simple correlation of small thought:

baseball>played in a ballpark>ballparks serve beer>nothing better in life than ballgame + beer

Alright, there you have it. With that, here’s what they said about the top beer in this country:

#1 Firestone Walker Pale Ale
Paso Robles, CA

You may recognize the name here, either from the Napa Valley
winery or the tire company whose wealth spawned said winery. Well, the winery
then spawned a little four-beer brewery, and that brewery has created the
liveliest, purest expression of American pale ale going. Brewed with gentle
British bittering hops and finished with American cascade hops (the same stuff
that makes Sierra Nevada smell like pinecones), Firestone Walker combines the
subtlety of a British ale with the fragrant bite that Americans weaned on
microbrews have come to expect. The Burton Union oak barrel system, a Rube
Goldbergian row of linked barrels that churn the fermenting brew through wood
while it’s coming of age, is more evidence that these guys are serious about
tradition. If you’ve ever enjoyed a bottle of pale ale, we suggest you seek this
one out.
Actually, I don’t recognize the name. When I’m drinking a beer, I assume it comes from a brewery, if that. I always thought winery’s were for wine, but that was just a guess. I don’t want a hops that makes the shit I’m pouring down my throat to get fucked up smell like pinecones. Honestly, (and this might just be my inner frat boy talking), really enjoy opening a can, and if I decide to take a whiff, I want it to smell stale and of booze. I’m not here to win a beauty contest. I’m just here to sit in the corner, not be real social, and try and get my fuckface on. If I wanna talk, I’ll do it after about 7 cans of this fucko-oil I’m guzzling, alright? If I bought one of those fancy thinga-ma-jiggers, I’d want to display it warmly on a shelf in my room, or in a nice crystal-oak case. I would feel badly about drinking it. I want something that is going to really make me piss a ton, make my face red, and give me that nice, warm feeling in my gut. Sure I’ve enjoyed Pale ale in some fashion, but I’ll be damned if I’m going anywhere near that armpit known as California to get it. That shit says ‘Hollywood’ and ‘sunglasses at night’ all over it, we’re more ‘Saloon’ and ‘puke in a trashcan in the back’ types.

#15 Ommegang Hennepin
Cooperstown, NY

Like many of the Belgian saison beers that inspired it, Hennepin comes in a
wine-size bottle corked like champagne. Why? It’s not just to impress the
guests, which this beer would do even if it were poured into a hiking boot. This
spicy summer sipper undergoes a second fermentation in the bottle, and the
pressures created reach levels an ordinary metal cap can’t withstand. And unlike
a good bottle of bubbly, Hennepin won’t set you back 70 bucks. Try $7.

Hey, now here’s one a little more right up our alleys! You could enjoy this one on a trip to the Baseball Hall of Fame, or afterwards. It’s corked though, like a champagne bottle. When I grab a beer, no matter how it tastes after–I don’t want difficulty opening the fucker. To be honest, one reason I like imported beer less is because I have to have some dick sack with a bottle opener around the whole night to even start feeling good. The idea of un-doing 10 corks in a night, well thats really fucked up. I like my beer, in a can, and as easy to get into as pulling the plug on a hand grenade. It would go down easy even in a hiking boot? Well, one time on the way back from a bowling alley, I got fucked as a pledge and had to drink a Natural light out of a bowling shoe. It wasn’t all that bad as long as I didn’t think about the filth units that had been that shoe before it. Also, saying Hennepin won’t set me back 70 bucks is an assinine assupmtion. Here I’ll show you:

$7 per Hennepin x (amount of beers I like in a night) minimum 12 Hennepins= $84

So actually, that’s an expensive date with alchoholism if you’re realistic about it. We’re guessing it would taste a lot better than the Schlitz that the dickhead fuck seniors made us chug a couple short years ago at baseball initiation. Oh yeah, they heated it in an oven before that too.

We’ll give one of our own reviews on a favorite of ours:

#(towards the bottom of any list) Natural Light

Any gas station or shit-shop in the
This beer, considered to be a light lager might not become an
instant favorite of yours, but like the hair in between your nuts and your
asshole it growns on you, and there’s nothing you can do to help it. While many
consider it to ‘taste like water’ this is hardly a criticsizm. The fact that it
goes down like water makes it easy to drink quickly and high volume. It smells
of skunk tail at times but that only signifies aged and higher valued Natural
light. Worried about making rent? Get fucked up without guilt, even with a buddy
or two if you’re generous, cause a case of 24 of these little fuckers is only
$10. Buy two or three cases if you’re worried about being snowed in for the
weekend. If you’re worried about not getting enough of a buzz off this little
guy, don’t worry–drink more than 10, you’ll be making claims you want one of
your buddies to dare you to take a piss between the 2 asteroids arcade machines
at the local dive bar.