This morning, this jingo-istic email came to me from ESPN Fantasy Games, declaring their giant clusterfuck has been solved! As if it didn’t totally fuck the league I am the commish of and everyone else. If you are playing ESPN fantasy baseball, and you take it as serious as the guys I play with do, this has really thrown a wrench into your fucking bicycle spokes. Assholes:
To our ESPN Fantasy Baseball players, As of this morning, we have completed
the reset of ESPN’s Fantasy Baseball Game and regular game play can
Again, we are genuinely sorry for the frustration you have experienced in
the beginning of this season, and we have taken the necessary steps to ensure
that you and your league can continue playing ESPN Fantasy Baseball without
issue moving forward.
For information on the changes that were made, how they affect you, and
what we are doing for you in appreciation of your patience and understanding please read
our letter that outlines the specific actions taken. We have also provided
an FAQ that may help answer some more of your questions.
Additionally, ESPN’s Talented Mr. Roto, Matthew Berry, will conduct his
regular SportsNation chats today at 11 AM ET and 3 PM ET to address any
questions and provide direction and strategy about how to get your league on
track for the remainder of the season.
Furthermore, we pledge to you – our players – that throughout the season
and beyond we will redouble our efforts to earn back your good faith in our
games. If you have further questions, please do not hesitate to contact our
customer service center at 1-888-549-ESPN or [email protected]
We deeply regret having this disappointing start to the season, look
forward to making the rest of the season a great one for you and cannot thank
you enough for your patience.
John Kosner, senior vice president, ESPN.com & the entire ESPN.com
Actually, the game isn’t ‘back to normal’ Mr. Kosner. If you had a real job you’d be fucking fired and shitcanned about 16 times by now. You’d be pink slipped and searcing CareerBuilder.com for a new, real job that we all have instead of writing me unsincere, apologetic emails, with unfulfilling prophecies that will never happen such as ‘Free ESPN Insider’ (how the hell do we get that pal?) and ‘Free Fantasy Football Prize Leagues’ (which basically just ensures you’ll give away shitty prizes now so ESPN isn’t out any real loot).
Basically all you guys did was clusterfuck shoot an entire program in the foot. Right before the little roster revision that screwed an entire week + of the baseball season, our league was working fine. There were no problems. WHY did you have to reset the rosters? Explain that to be Mr. Kosner, you asshat. You’re damn right I’m pissed. The worst part in all this is you make innocent guys like me look like the asshole in this. I have to go to my league this morning, and clean up your mess. For instance:
I told all the guys in my league–that to attempt some kind of normalcy to our league that has been blown up by the failed techie-heads at ESPN, I will award any player that they had picked up off waivers previously to their team with my ‘league manager powers’. I told them that if they were tempted and picked up a player that was not theirs I would award that player not only to the correct team, but I would punish the thief by dropping their first round pick to waivers as well. What does that do? It makes me look like the prick in the operation, because of your shitting the bed, ESPN fantasy games. We don’t want your apologies or your petty prizes that will not ever really happen. We want blood. We want you to tell us all to go play at CBS Sportsline, or Yahoo, where people do their jobs. At those venues, nothing remotely this bad, would ever happen. You see, playing fantasy games there is likeable to living in a nice rural neighborhood with no crime. You go to sleep at night with your doors unlocked, and come morning your shit will still be there. At ESPN fantasy games from now on, I can lock all my doors, set the alarm, take all the precautions, but when I rest my head on the pillow each night (scared), I’m still going to feel like my wife is going to get ass-raped, and my living room television is safe from no one and will end up in a pawn shop (or on the waiver wire) the next day.
I know it’s a bit drastic but the best thing for all of us is if you just make one of those crafty little ‘ESPN fantasy game anouncement’ text boxes and write how much you suck everyday, and edit it for us to laugh at. Be our clowns, that we can throw tomatoes at and laugh at. You are here for our amusement. That would be worth more to me then free ESPN insider, which probably has more loopholes then a free trip to Vegas after listening to a man selling condominiums for two hours. “NO catch, we swear” and then in the fine print you have to go to Vegas during the week, during leap years, on days where there is a forecast of rain.
Let us know how ESPN has screwed your fantasy league, so we can happily be mad fantasy nerd trolls that everyone stereotypes us as even more. Oh how we’d love to not have a real job so we could spend 4 hours ripping ‘Mr. Roto’ in his chat session today.
Read More: Deadspin- ESPN pushes the self destruct fantasy button