Today is the day. March 7th, 2007. A date that will live in infamy. Today is the day that Skoal Citrus Blend makes it’s way into the world. A new brand of snuff is born this morning. Now there is no doubt that this is a baseball blog first, and nothing else. That said, dip is a large part of the greatest game played on earth, it’s practically as much a part of the game as the National Anthem, and maybe more because the anthem is played once in a game each night, dipping is done throughout inning, after inning. That said, we did name this blog after our favorite pastime combined with it’s relation to dip. Diamond Hoggers. The term was first coined in college by a teammate of ours that referred to all things dip as a “Hog” or “Hogleg”. I don’t know why but it just seemed to stick with me and George. We even call eachother “hog” or “hogger” sometimes when addressing one another on the phone. I can tell you from experience it is a term that commands respect.
The way I see it, this topic is free game! Like how I tied that in all nice with a little bow on it? Me and my business partner have had several discussions about having a dip of the month nomination on the blog. This can either be an “old faithful” or an “up and coming” prospect, much like a player we’d scout. I feel today’s nominee will live up to the billing as a good young prospect and could have a fine career, but will fall short of the Hall of Fame levels that Skoal Straight and Skoal Mint (distant cousins of the prospect) have reached over the course of their respective careers. Just because they’re in the same family and have the same bloodline, well that doesn’t garuntee anything. Hell just look at the difference between Cal and Billy Ripken if you need a nice parable.
That said, here’s a few ways to enjoy a hogger if you’ve never endulged. Also, we’d like to mention to the kids at home as a disclaimer to never start, because if you do it will be a bad habit to try and beat, damn near impossible in fact because it’s so good! It’s also a lot of fun! But don’t do it because it will rot your face off and make you ugly! Also it should be noted that usually only other dippers think dipping is cool, to everyone else, you are looked at like the Leper in society, a dark figure who is outcast to live in solitude for the rest of one’s life.
Hungover Dip or “Dry Gulch”- This dip is usually rears it’s ugly head on friday or saturday mornings. Most common to the college male, it does not go away when drinking 2 jugs of distilled water. NO amount of fluid intake can ease the wrath of this fucker. If you enjoy the “spit” part of the dip, you want to avoid this type of variation.
Horseshoe- I’ve seen it performed only once by one man and the legend lives till this day. It was done in a dorm basement computer lab. The brave man packed entire new tin into his mouth, 75% in the bottom lip and the remainder 25% in his top. This man not only wasted an entire new tin, but couldn’t speak to me when I asked what it was like. He also made such a mess trying to use any type of conventional spitter that he was forced to use an extra large trash can as spittoon. Kids: don’t try this at home. I mean it.
Laxative Agent– This dip is performed usually at a desk at work, typically following morning coffee/enerygy drink. Can also sometimes be actually done in safe haven shitter, where no one else will intrude or mind the fact you are spitting onto the floor into a drain. Said dip helps the hogger poop. If only I’d known this as a kid, I would have never been constipated. This is one of the higher rated types of dips to be enjoyed. I might even be having this type as we speak.
Blackout Billy- This term was coined by me, it’s origin came from a fraternity brother of mine who would blackout, steal a dip from anyone in the house because he was bigger and more bullying than any other meat-head I knew, and throw it in, regardless of type or form. At this point, the hogger is just really jones-ing for something to even out the buzz provided by another cousin of dip, alcohol. Origin also was derived from the fact that I found Billy passed out on other peoples couches, sitting up, using an empty Dannon yogurt cup as the spitter. We have our reasons for believing that there are more than several Major League Baseball players who actively practice this type of dip. COUGH!
Dessert- This is self explanatory. Derived from the fact that when I was a college athlete, I started not liking dessert because it was no fun to have to run extra to keep that shit off the middle. I began enjoying larger dips after dinner, and while well hydrated. This is an excellent dip, in fact I still partake in “dessert” to this day. Plus the fact that most hoggers actually believe the urban legend that dip helps burn calories; which is a lie.
The Co-Pilot- A must have for all true hoggers. This type of dip is performed and enjoyed during long road trips (consisting of over 30+ minutes). Many addicted hoggers will try and hide the fact that the trip was only 10 minutes long. You are never alone on those long car rides or business trips with this type of dip. With your radio on and hog in full tow, you are ready to travel the nation’s highways. Set sail the Indies!
Video Game Hog- The Zenith of all dips. This is the grandaddy of them all. This is a must have time for a dip. Even if a dipper quits all other forms of practice, he will have the most trouble kicking this one. Enjoyed while playing Madden, Playstation baseball, or anything with a controller in your hand. When I quit dipping for some periods in my ‘adult’ (I use that term loosely), I noticed I quit video games too. Just another staggering correlation this hog can have one someone. A distant cousin of the “Hit the Books Dip” (see below), this is a two part addiction that can leave anyone who tries to conquer it staggering in it’s wake.
Hit the Books Dip- Another self explanatory but yet essential tool to success. Usually performed in college libraries or study rooms, we get word tha
t this is spreading like an epidemic to the world’s high schools and prep schools. I have known some dippers that actually only did this one hog, then became hooked. Like the “Video Game Hog” variation, it aids in concentration, helping you get a nice pretty grade on your exam. When combined with Aderol, it can make you feel like you’re a sock puppet and someone else is controlling the words you speak. This is a good thing. Also aids in typing papers.
Kiss of Death- Everyone experiences this one in one way or another, and usually remembers it. Mine took place when I was a freshman in high school, throwing the baseball in the front yard with a teammate. I soon said “wait a minute”, hunched over, and vomited violently due to the fact the world was now spinning on a different axis, or so it seemed. Said dip occurs when a person inserts a dip for the first time, often too large for what is needed (aka biting off more than you can chew). Hogger then becomes disoriented after a short period of euphoria that leads then to believe “This shit is great!” Often followed by puke.
Recycler- This dip is performed when a hogger who is too lazy to go out and buy a new tin has used a hog, the juices and freshness are gone, but then removes the dip from one’s lip and places back in the tin to allow the dip to fight another day. More prevalent in the cheap fiscal hoggers, or the new home owners who are trying to save money. This dip is rated low on the hog totem pole.
The Grinch- This is no real type of dip, but rather an action that follows the act. Occurs when the dipper begins farting uncontrollably or begins belching or complaining of heart burn after inserting a hog.
Newtons Law or Wounded Solider- This is done when a dipshit spills half the tin trying to insert a greedful amount of hog into their mouth. Kind of pisses us true hoggers off and can be a sure tell-tale sign of a beginner. Watch out for these people. They’re monsters.
Meathead Dip- This is done when you live with a bunch of dumb jock football players. Because they think they’re athletes, they think at times that they have to dip too to be considered a real jock. Action is taken by the said meathead, when they say “Gimme One” and you do because they’re big and you’ll get punched in your throwing shoulder or in the dick if you don’t. Plus they’re bigger than you are.
Pebble Beach- Performed when a hogger has a designated area outdoors that he throws his hogs after usage.
The Clint Eastwood- I had an old landscaping supervisor that was an expert at this. He had Kodiak wintergreen in all day long, yet he never spit. I studied him and for 8 or 9 hours a day in the hot sun, he NEVER, EVER spit, not once. He also never spoke. He just fucking stared, pointed, grunted when he wanted things done. He never spit it out, just reloaded for more. This is for the hardcore. Kodiak not reccomended.
Bumpin’ Uglies- Performed when said dipper inserts a large amount of “chaw” (Levi Garrett or Redman) into side cheek then inserts a dip. I have seen it done several times, but usually resulted in puke. I have never tried this, there’s just no sense in it. Also has a variation when a cigarette is added, it’s called “Cancer”.
Stay tuned for more…..Hogger.