It was an early March day much like this one my freshman year in college. A fantasy baseball laid spread open like Paris Hilton on my dorm room floor, along with scattered and empty Natural Light cans and empty Skoal straight tins in Smith Hall East, floor five. I was playing John Madden Football, when my suite-mate Joey the Italian (a fellow Indians fan) entered the room. He sauntered over and laid on our broken love seat, eventually sprawling out in full and laying there. He said, ‘hey, toss me that magazine would ya?’ and with that I tossed him my Street & Smith’s guide that I had been studying much for than Intro to Psychology that semester.
He looked through it, reading about the players he liked, gathering my thoughts about several big name bashers. You must remember, it was 2002, and earlier that freshman year in that very same dorm room I watched Barry Bonds smack his 73rd homerun of the season, so meathead freakazoids disguised as baseball players were at an all-time high, even moreso than today.
As he paged through it, it happened. He went to the Colorado Rockies page, why? I do not know. That very picture you see above, of our friend Mr. Pierre (no word yet on if he is French) was headlining the Rockies’ team page. Joey began to laugh and could barely get the words out. Part of this was he was still drunk, as was I, and part of it is because what he was thinking.
“Look at this shit man,” as I turned to him to see what the fun was about. “Fuckin’ Juan Pierre.” I didn’t really know what was so funny, then I realized all at the same time it was pretty good shit.
“What is he the fuckin’ batboy?” Joey laughed hard and I laughed with him. It was the way he said it, combined with the fact that Juan Pierre was 135 pounds wet and dry, and was holding a bat that looked like something Mickey Mouse would swing. I coined the term ‘Mickey Mouse Bat’ from a former pro who taught me how to hit, actually. In 8th grade I attended a week long camp at Denison University, with a former Major Leaguer head-lining the event. A kid in my group showed up with an old, dented, black and gold Louisville slugger. It belonged in T-Ball but this kid was easily nearing high school age. Gene Woodling was giving my group hitting lessons and wanted to use the bat to demo a drill. He took one look at it in his hands after demo, and said “what is this shit? A mickey mouse bat? I’d rather hit with my fucking arm.” With that the late Mr. Woodling handed the bat back to the ashamed, hang headed kid and walked away. For the rest of the week I taunted and tortured that runt of a kid. I called him “Mickey Mouse Bat”. Real fucking creative, I know. I’m pretty sure somewhere in this world, that guy is out there, with much longer hair, and I’m on his ‘people to kill list’. No matter, it was funny and it helped get me through the 90 degree heat that week without any air conditioning in the dorms we stayed in.
Long story short, Juan Pierre uses a Mickey Mouse bat. He posted a career high last season, tying his previous career high in homeruns in a season with three homeruns, previously done in his 2004 campaign. Now when you can spell the number of a players career high in homeruns, and not have to list it in numerical value, there’s probably a pretty good chance that said player is staying away from the devil in a syringe known as “El Steroid”. Frenchman Pierre however, cannot be underestimated.
There are a few things that were alarming to Diamond Hoggers which make us question the validity of Pierre’s power numbers. Afterall, he did play in Miami last season, which is just a short car trip away from that mini-BALCO like lab that Gary Matthews Jr. and Evander Holyfield got busted in. Besides that, Frenchman Pierre also sports a shit eating grin in most of his photos, leading us to believe that he could be up to some shenanigans.
In all likelihood though, we hear that the closest thing to steroids Mr. Pierre uses in his nutrition training are bolognese sandwiches, and pepsi. We also hear that he doesn’t have any French blood in his body, but that somewhere down the line his great grandaddy was owned by a french slave-owner with the surname “Pierre”, and instead of calling Juan’s grandad “Slave”, he said at the slave auction, you’re a ‘Pierre’ from now on, nigger.
Steroid User Rating/Probability: 4.4% Roider
Status: Playfully Innocent