A Scouts Take: The Baltimore Orioles


With the preseason now in full swing, the scouting department here at Diamond Hoggers is hard at work. Today, we spoke with a few scouts about the Baltimore Orioles outlook for the 2007 season. Here is what we found:

Daniel Cabrera has a huge cock. This thing belongs on a zoo animal. Watch out for this kid to emerge as a staff ace very soon. Sammy Perlazzo, the team’s manager looks like a rat. Hopefully he is sneaky enough to get this team to 80 wins, but I doubt it. He has a very nice hue of color to his skin though. My bet is he spends his offseasons in Florida with the rest of the snow birds. In college, I was at a frat party with Aubrey Huff. I stole a few of the beers in his fridge and he hit me right in the dick. He’s an asshole. Brian Roberts might be their best player, but his size is concerning. He’s so little! If Pujols took a shit, you’d find a Brian Roberts in the toilet. Also, Roberts could be a sesame street character. Reminds us of kermit the frog. A source close to the team told us that the reason Danys Baez pants look painted on him is because he likes to wear them tucked under his heels inside of his shoes. That’s gay. He also spells his name with an “s” on the end, off the record that’s gay too. Melvin Mora and Miguel Tejada are roomates on the road. The duo likes to play playstation against eachother, with Tejada always getting to sit on the bed and Mora having to sit on the floor. Rumor has it that Mora once said he’s really tired of sitting on his knees and his ass gets numb from this activity. He said that when it comes to video game duels he would be better if his legs were just cut off from his body. He said if he wasn’t a ballplayer he’d just like to be all torso and fucking head, with arms of course. Paul Bako once donkey-punched a groupie. He was drunk and it actually ended up becoming more of a flaming dragon, still no excuse. Ramon Hernandez likes Taco Bell. No shocker there, but what is interesting is that the morning after when he takes a shit, he stinks up the clubhouse lavoratory for the entire day. That’s gross. Steve Trachsel is missing a 10th toe on either his right or left foot, he also has the clap. One of those is true, and one was a rumor started by reliever Scott Williamson. Williamson was mad because Trachsel snapped a picture of Williamson’s wife’s growler and posted it in the clubhouse.

  • haha, like kissing suzy kolber, but hey, it’s still funny

  • This is tremendous. great find on Deadspins part!